Like a Phoenix from the

Like a Phoenix from the ashes…

Thanks to the patronage of a very generous benefactor, Haikuterbury Tales has FIVE NEW STANZAS! That puts us almost half-way to a haiku across my forehead (and, of course, to a well thought-out epic tale of neighborhoood shenanigans).

So take a look at the new stanzas, revel in their haiku-ness, be glad you’re not my neighbor and then become a deMedici yourself. All artists need partons. Even artists who hijack respectable forms of poetry and turn them into cheap entertainment.

Huzzah!

new obnoxious poll! For those

new obnoxious poll!

For those who are interested, here are the results for the Preferred Way to Edit Your Cursing poll:

you republican! 35%
you chalksucker! 25%
you turkey! 20%
you fargin bastich!10%
you evildoer! 10%
you bleepin’ punk! 0%
you toad! 0%

This is the only time, ever, you will hear me say “Congratulations, Republican!”

Thanks for voting, everyone. I hope you enjoy the new poll. It’s as lame-o as ever!

have you heard about this?

have you heard about this?

super strong baby
has wild, mutant muscle mass
the X-Files live on

Have you heard about the German Super Baby who was born with incredible muscle mass and is like a real-life superhero?

From the New York Times:

The moment the little boy was born, the hospital staff knew there was something unusual about him. His muscles looked nothing like the soft baby muscles of the other infants in the nursery. They were bulging and well defined, especially in his thighs and upper arms.

“Everybody noticed,” said Dr. Markus Schuelke, a pediatric neurologist at Charité University Medical Center in Berlin.

The baby, it turned out in the first such documented case in a human, had a double dose of a genetic mutation that causes immense strength in mice and cattle.

The child’s mother was strong – she had been a professional sprinter in the 100-meter dash – and she came from a strong family. Her grandfather, a construction worker, had unloaded curbstones by hand, hefting stones weighing at least 330 pounds. (There was no information on the baby’s father.)

The little boy is healthy and very strong, able to hold two 6.6-pound weights horizontally with his arms extended. But while the muscles in his arms and legs are twice as big as the muscles of other children his age, Dr. Schuelke said, “he is not extreme: you wouldn’t recognize him if you saw him on the street.”

All I can say is, yes, it’s cool to be strong and everything, but can German Super Baby eat an entire can of corn for breakfast?

I didn’t think so. That feat is reserved for only my little super hero.

(Here’s the link to the whole story if’n you want to read it:
Very Muscular Baby Offers Hope Against Diseases You’ll note that I removed all of the interesting facts from my snippets and just left in the sensational stuff)

L.A.M.E. stupid magic dudes suckered

L.A.M.E.

stupid magic dudes
suckered me in and bored me
T.H.E.Y. suck

I was all excited about the magic show on NBC last night. I’m such a sucker for that kind of stuff. But seriously. A hidden camera, Allen Funk-esque street magic practical joke show? It was just too much. If only there had been a guy dressed in a tux jumping off a building while eating a maggot, holding a check for a million dollars to be given to the girl he landed on unless he wants to keep the check himself or use it to pay Donald Trump to give him a job. Well, then we would have had a good show.

I was duped by T.H.E.M. And I don’t mean the dumb magic people. I mean:

The
Honchos
Expecting
Miracles in ratings

Honchos? You suck. Why can’t you show repeats of the West WIng? Oh, wait. Cause IT SUCKED THIS SEASON TOO.

Eh, I need to read more books anyway.

oh, great tried to write

oh, great

tried to write haiku
about equal rights, hummers
but they all sucked ass

I was reading the paper today (while the wee one tossed little bits of English Muffin pizza at me from his high chair) and I read the most startling headline. It said:

Estrogen, Dementia Linked

At first I laughed. Then I felt like a traitor to my sex for laughing. Then I felt briefly frightened. Then I was glad to finally have an excuse for my impending insanity. When all of those thoughts dribbled away I was left with a sense of dread. Because if there was ever a headline created to spawn jokes on the late night TV shows, it’s this one. I can hear Jay Leno now…

“So I just saw this headline that said estrogen and dementia are linked. On behalf of all the men out there I can say, ‘duh. We’ve known this for years.'” [insert canned laughter]

or

“The other day the Austin American Statesman proclaimed that estrogen and dementia are linked. As I’m sure you men will agree, this comes as no shock. What worries me is the mental state of my uncle Bob. Or should I say Uncle Bobara.” [insert canned laughter]

I just wish the estrogen headline had been accompanied with something like “Testosterone, Ass-Scratching in Public Linked” or “Small Prostate, Tendency to Drive a Hummer Linked” Because if the newspaper is going to give late-night comics fodder for making fun of one sex, shouldn’t there be fodder to make fun of the other one, too? I mean, isn’t there a section of the Equal Rights Amendment that says something like “Heretofore all sexes should be stereotyped and generalized equally within all forms of media, not limited to television, radio, cigarette advertising and condom packaging.”

Maybe not.

random dialogue from Excited One

random dialogue from Excited One Liner Guy

I’m debating whether or not I should trade in my usual expression of excitedness (Awesome!) for something new. For a while I was all about “Yahtzee!” But for some reason it didn’t really catch on. Then I tried “right on!” and it was OK for a little while, but it sounded a little surfer dude-ish. So I went back to “Awesome!” Now I’m thinking of branching out again – maybe something a little more risque. Something different. Fun. My hubby suggested “Chaka Kahn!” which I thought was a wonderful idea. So I’m gonna test it out here with Excited One Liner Guy and see how it sounds in comparison to other exclamations of joy.

PERSON 1: I just found a dollar in my pocket.

EOLG: Score!

PERSON 1: Oh no, wait. It’s FIVE dollars.

EOLG: Yahtzee!

PERSON 1: And look – here’s another ten dollars in my pocket.

EOLG: Sweet!

PERSON 1: Maybe I should buy some lottery tickets.

EOLG: Right on!

PERSON 1: [buys tickets, scratches one off] I just won $50!

EOLG: Awesome!

PERSON 1: [scratches off another ticket]And another fifty!

EOLG: Chaka Khan!

Eh. I don’t know. What do you think? It seems like it’s lacking in something. Maybe it needs jazz hands or two thumbs up to really work. I don’t know if I can make that kind of commitment.