yeah, I watch it So

yeah, I watch it

So I watch The Amazing Race. Shut up. You probably watch Big Brother, and that makes me better than you. (sort of).

Anyway, I watch The Amazing Race and I totally hate this rat bastard Brandon. He’s all “I’m into God” blah blah and then, at the first turn, he’s stabbing any other team in the back just to get ahead in the race for like five minutes. The escalating dementia of his Jesus-backed moronitude reminds me of someone else *cough*dubya*cough* and perhaps makes me hate him more than I should.

I digress.

To his credit, Brandon seems to have a pretty cool girlfriend. And I really felt for her when stupid Brandon made her get nailed with hockey pucks instead of just drinking a shot of vodka (it was a choice between challenges that I won’t get into here. You can check out this amazing race link for more info on the show and dumbass Brandon.)

Brandon refused to go drink a shot of vodka because of his “religious beliefs.” But when he had a chance to screw over teams that had helped him out, he went for it. (Again, I find some strange republican party allegory here and it irks me.) What a hypocrite this Brandon is. I bet he’s planning on running for office.

Anyway… I was flipping through my local newspaper today when lo! I found something kind of scary. No, not stories about Iraq. No, not stories about the election… I saw a real-life picture of WWJD Brandon modeling t-shirts!

(I don’t know which is more frightening, actually…. that this god-fearing “model” is strutting his stuff on page A12, or that I actually recognized him as the dude from a reality show.)

That’s right. I guess when the Amazing Race labels Brandon and his partner as “Dating Models” they ain’t foolin’. Cause this Foley’s ad had Brandon sporting one stylin’ “new vintage” (whatever the hell that means) Jimi Hendrix t-shirt – and quite a smug puss.

I wonder if he knows of Jimi’s recreational drug hobby? Not only that, I wonder if he knows Jimi probably drank his fair share of vodka, too.

-sigh-

What would Jesus think about your modeling choices Brandon?
Selling your principles to shill $19.99 t-shirts… What would Jesus think, indeed…

Here’s a bigger picture of the whole ad.
I wonder what reality shows the other dudes are on? The scary 80’s chick looks like she could kick some serious ass on The Real World.

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fawning mama alert knob and

fawning mama alert

knob and nipple day
learning at the speed of light
it’s insanity

The wee one – while pinching his chest and running down the hall – just told me he was “going to put nipples in the tub.”

I think that means his daddy just took him for a bath.

He’s also mastered doorknobs today (the wee one, not his his daddy. His daddy mastered doorknobs a while back).

No one is safe anymore.

poo-wus   not a poo-wus

poo-wus
 
not a poo-wus fan
yet they do help carry big
piles of crap around

The wee one has a thing for purses. He loves ’em. He drags a purse around the house all day, calling it a “poo-wus” (which is a fairly apt description if you ask me).

Anyway, I don’t really worry about his affinity for handbags (and tap shoes and ballet dancers and the piano) because, whatever. He’s 2. And even if he was 16, it’d still be fine (though I’m sure we’d have some issues to work through, as he’d probably be the only tenth-grade boy with a purse).

So I was picking up the constant and seemingly self-propagating pile o’ crap from the living room floor when I came across my old poo-wus the wee one had been playing with earlier in the day.

It felt kind of heavy so I unzipped it. Here’s what I found inside:
one toy wrench
one picture of Spiderman
One hair barrette

Clearly, the boy has his priorities straight.

bob by ed’s redeeming qualities

bob
by ed’s redeeming qualities

your name is bob and there’s nothing you can do-oo
the ladies won’t go out with you
because your name is bob
 
you wear a suit, three pieces made of cot-ton
you’re looking for a tie because you know you can’t win
when your name is bob
 
bob
 
it’s a name that means robert
 
bob
 
it’s a name you don’t wa-ant
 
bob
 
it’s a name that you ha-ave
 
bob
 
if you put the letters backwards it still… spells… bob
 
bob
 
your name is bob and there’s nothing you can do-oo
the doctors and nurses won’t examine you
because your name is bob
 
your name is bob and that’s something you can’t cha-ange
your parents and neighbors all think that your strange
because your name is bob
 
bob
 
it’s a name that means robert
 
bob
 
it’s a name you don’t wa-ant
 
bob
 
it’s a name that you ha-ave
 
bob
 
if you put the letters backwards it still… spells… bob
 
bob
 
it’s a name that means robert
 
bob
 
it’s a name you don’t wa-ant
 
bob
 
it’s a name that you ha-ave
 
bob 
 
if you put the letters backwards it still… spells… bob

I hope that even without the string instruments and the earnest vocals you can still appreciate this magnificent piece of music. Truly, it’s one of the greastest. songs. ever.

Hello? Amy DaSilva are you

Hello?

Amy DaSilva are you out there? Amy Elizabeth DaSilva? From Florida? Who moved out to San Francisco and disappeared? I know you’re out there somewhere.

Girl, I’m listening to some mix tapes you made me back in god knows when (93? 94?) They fucking rock. I forgot how good these things are. I’ve got to figure out how to get them on CDs.

Bratmobile, Ed’s Redeeming Qualities, the Muffs, the Minute Men… I’m never going to get any work done tonight. I’m too busy giggling and dancing around.

And I miss you.

Find me.

Cause I can’t find you.

john kerry’s wives theresa kicks

john kerry’s wives

theresa kicks butt
though she scares me a little
but not like first wife

That haiku sucked. Sorry. My game is a little off.

Anyway, in the spirit of all things conspiratorial and democratic I just thought I should point out that John Kerry’s first wife is named Julia Thorne.

Sound familiar?

Julia Thorne is the name of Sidney Bristow’s alter-ego bad guy/good guy that infiltrates the Covenant (which I still think should start with a K) and saves this guy Lazarey’s life.

I know that if you don’t watch Alias, the above sentence doesn’t make a lick of sense (and even if you do watch the show it’s still kind of confusing). That’s OK, though. My point is that the people who call John Kerry a boring stiff are obviously liars. He was cool enough to woo Theresa, and he was also cool enough to woo the ass-kicking, super spy Julia Thorne.

That guy isn’t boring at all.