yeah, I watch it So

yeah, I watch it

So I watch The Amazing Race. Shut up. You probably watch Big Brother, and that makes me better than you. (sort of).

Anyway, I watch The Amazing Race and I totally hate this rat bastard Brandon. He’s all “I’m into God” blah blah and then, at the first turn, he’s stabbing any other team in the back just to get ahead in the race for like five minutes. The escalating dementia of his Jesus-backed moronitude reminds me of someone else *cough*dubya*cough* and perhaps makes me hate him more than I should.

I digress.

To his credit, Brandon seems to have a pretty cool girlfriend. And I really felt for her when stupid Brandon made her get nailed with hockey pucks instead of just drinking a shot of vodka (it was a choice between challenges that I won’t get into here. You can check out this amazing race link for more info on the show and dumbass Brandon.)

Brandon refused to go drink a shot of vodka because of his “religious beliefs.” But when he had a chance to screw over teams that had helped him out, he went for it. (Again, I find some strange republican party allegory here and it irks me.) What a hypocrite this Brandon is. I bet he’s planning on running for office.

Anyway… I was flipping through my local newspaper today when lo! I found something kind of scary. No, not stories about Iraq. No, not stories about the election… I saw a real-life picture of WWJD Brandon modeling t-shirts!

(I don’t know which is more frightening, actually…. that this god-fearing “model” is strutting his stuff on page A12, or that I actually recognized him as the dude from a reality show.)

That’s right. I guess when the Amazing Race labels Brandon and his partner as “Dating Models” they ain’t foolin’. Cause this Foley’s ad had Brandon sporting one stylin’ “new vintage” (whatever the hell that means) Jimi Hendrix t-shirt – and quite a smug puss.

I wonder if he knows of Jimi’s recreational drug hobby? Not only that, I wonder if he knows Jimi probably drank his fair share of vodka, too.

-sigh-

What would Jesus think about your modeling choices Brandon?
Selling your principles to shill $19.99 t-shirts… What would Jesus think, indeed…

Here’s a bigger picture of the whole ad.
I wonder what reality shows the other dudes are on? The scary 80’s chick looks like she could kick some serious ass on The Real World.

fawning mama alert knob and

fawning mama alert

knob and nipple day
learning at the speed of light
it’s insanity

The wee one – while pinching his chest and running down the hall – just told me he was “going to put nipples in the tub.”

I think that means his daddy just took him for a bath.

He’s also mastered doorknobs today (the wee one, not his his daddy. His daddy mastered doorknobs a while back).

No one is safe anymore.

poo-wus   not a poo-wus

poo-wus
 
not a poo-wus fan
yet they do help carry big
piles of crap around

The wee one has a thing for purses. He loves ’em. He drags a purse around the house all day, calling it a “poo-wus” (which is a fairly apt description if you ask me).

Anyway, I don’t really worry about his affinity for handbags (and tap shoes and ballet dancers and the piano) because, whatever. He’s 2. And even if he was 16, it’d still be fine (though I’m sure we’d have some issues to work through, as he’d probably be the only tenth-grade boy with a purse).

So I was picking up the constant and seemingly self-propagating pile o’ crap from the living room floor when I came across my old poo-wus the wee one had been playing with earlier in the day.

It felt kind of heavy so I unzipped it. Here’s what I found inside:
one toy wrench
one picture of Spiderman
One hair barrette

Clearly, the boy has his priorities straight.

bob by ed’s redeeming qualities

bob
by ed’s redeeming qualities

your name is bob and there’s nothing you can do-oo
the ladies won’t go out with you
because your name is bob
 
you wear a suit, three pieces made of cot-ton
you’re looking for a tie because you know you can’t win
when your name is bob
 
bob
 
it’s a name that means robert
 
bob
 
it’s a name you don’t wa-ant
 
bob
 
it’s a name that you ha-ave
 
bob
 
if you put the letters backwards it still… spells… bob
 
bob
 
your name is bob and there’s nothing you can do-oo
the doctors and nurses won’t examine you
because your name is bob
 
your name is bob and that’s something you can’t cha-ange
your parents and neighbors all think that your strange
because your name is bob
 
bob
 
it’s a name that means robert
 
bob
 
it’s a name you don’t wa-ant
 
bob
 
it’s a name that you ha-ave
 
bob
 
if you put the letters backwards it still… spells… bob
 
bob
 
it’s a name that means robert
 
bob
 
it’s a name you don’t wa-ant
 
bob
 
it’s a name that you ha-ave
 
bob 
 
if you put the letters backwards it still… spells… bob

I hope that even without the string instruments and the earnest vocals you can still appreciate this magnificent piece of music. Truly, it’s one of the greastest. songs. ever.

Hello? Amy DaSilva are you

Hello?

Amy DaSilva are you out there? Amy Elizabeth DaSilva? From Florida? Who moved out to San Francisco and disappeared? I know you’re out there somewhere.

Girl, I’m listening to some mix tapes you made me back in god knows when (93? 94?) They fucking rock. I forgot how good these things are. I’ve got to figure out how to get them on CDs.

Bratmobile, Ed’s Redeeming Qualities, the Muffs, the Minute Men… I’m never going to get any work done tonight. I’m too busy giggling and dancing around.

And I miss you.

Find me.

Cause I can’t find you.

john kerry’s wives theresa kicks

john kerry’s wives

theresa kicks butt
though she scares me a little
but not like first wife

That haiku sucked. Sorry. My game is a little off.

Anyway, in the spirit of all things conspiratorial and democratic I just thought I should point out that John Kerry’s first wife is named Julia Thorne.

Sound familiar?

Julia Thorne is the name of Sidney Bristow’s alter-ego bad guy/good guy that infiltrates the Covenant (which I still think should start with a K) and saves this guy Lazarey’s life.

I know that if you don’t watch Alias, the above sentence doesn’t make a lick of sense (and even if you do watch the show it’s still kind of confusing). That’s OK, though. My point is that the people who call John Kerry a boring stiff are obviously liars. He was cool enough to woo Theresa, and he was also cool enough to woo the ass-kicking, super spy Julia Thorne.

That guy isn’t boring at all.

important public service put big

important public service

put big brain to use
assist google and yahoo
helping out weirdos

Haiku of the Day gets a lot of visitors from various Google, Yahoo and Baidu searches (with a bit of MSN and AOL searches thrown in). Some of these people find what they’re searching for (like the throngs of people searching for fauxhawk info). Others, though, are out of luck. So just to be nice, I’m going to try and answer some of their questions in case they ever come back.

(And, yes, following the footsteps of more famed bloggers, I’m totally stealing this idea from someone else. Namely Mark Hasty – who could very well have stolen the idea from someone else, too.)

So here we go:

listerine “causing pain”
All I’m gonna say for this one is, Damn. I totally know what you mean. The first time I used Listerine (the original rust-colored “flavor”) I thought I’d been poisoned. It burned my mouth like crazy, and tasted like ass.

As far as causing real pain, though, maybe you’re allergic to one of the eighteen-syllable main ingredients. Or maybe you ate a bunch of tortilla chips (or Capn’ Crunch) and didn’t realize you’d torn the inside of your mouth to shreds until you drowned it in acid listerine.

Also, if your mouthwash is old it can cause a sore throat.

Karianne Sparks
I don’t know who the hell this is. But when I googled the name something came up about a chapter in a book called Keeping Good Teachers. Someone named Karianne Sparks wrote the chapter titled “Why Teachers Leave.” Presumably, the answers to this age-old question are:
1. the pay blows
2. your kid is an asshole
3. you don’t really get summers off like everyone says
4. the pay blows

fingernails crescents deficiency
Well, here’s what I know about this: the crescents in your fingernails don’t have anything to do with a deficiency (at least I don’t think so – but I’m an art history major, not a doctor). The crescents are just your new nail growing in. Now maybe those little white spots on the pink part of your nail indicate a vitamin deficiency of some kind. I don’t know. My mom told me I got a little white spot every time I lied. Right now I have three of them. Hmm. Sounds about right.

boobs sized as head
Can’t help you much here. My boobs are not sized as my head. They were once, right after my son was born. But believe me, ain’t nobody wants to see those (except, I guess, a starving newborn.) This picture is as closed to noggin’ sized boobs as I could find. Admittedly, though, I didn’t look very hard. (I stole this picture from Steve, don’t eat it!)


 
small movie in person
OK. I don’t really know what this means. But I can tell you something kind of cool… to promote I, Robot, the studio hired a bunch of people to wear t-shirts that actually played the movie trailer. That would be a small movie ON person. Close enough?

HEB low carb tortillas
Seriously, if you want to eat tortillas, don’t you think a low-carb diet is not for you? Isn’t that a little bit like thinking that you can eat diet chocolate cake or something equally ridiculous, and not gain weight? Just stick with the regular, fresh tortillas they make at HEB. They taste awesome. And eating one or two (even with -gasp- carbs) are not going to turn you into a killer whale.

popsicle haiku
wet, sticky, phallic
perfect for summer day
popsicles are cool

giraffe cake
There’s an awesome giraffe cake in the Martha Stewart Baby special issue magazine from Spring 2002. I made this cake for my son’s first birthday and it turned out swell. The toasted coconuts spots are especially yummy. If I had a scanner I could show a picture of the cake, but alas, I do not. Just know that it was a kick ass cake.

fargin bastich movie
A movie I have grown to love… Johnny Dangerously. Now, icehole, don’t be so lazy next time and just go straight to IMDB.

Rumsfeld haiku
no one talks about
Rumsfeld helping Saddam use
chemical weapons

tomatillo picture
here’s one with the husk on: 
 

Here’s one with the husk off:

They’re like little fruity tomatoes (only not quite so wet inside). They have a nice kind of citrus-y taste and they make a heckuva good sauce when you blend them with some jalapenos and avocado. Plus, they grow like crazy in the hot, clay-filled Texas soil in my backyard.

how to write a haiku alien
Again, I don’t really know what this means. But I can tell you that writing a haiku is simple – just 5 syllables on the first line, 7 syllables on the second, then 5 syllables on the last line. Easy as pie.
Now, writing a “haiku alien” is something I’m not altogether familiar with.

parents magazine barn cake
yeah, you don’t want to make this cake. Why? Because in order to make the cake red you have to layer strips of fruit roll-ups along the side of the cake like Sears siding. Who wants to eat cake covered in fruit roll-ups? Gross. Of course, the barn cake I made entailed using about 50 gallons of red food coloring, so I guess you just have to weigh what you think is grosser. Here’s a pic of the barn cake I made for the wee one’ big 0-2. Not as fancy looking as the Parent’s Magazine cake, but I can garandamntee you it tasted a whole lot better.

(side note: blogger spell check tried to replace “jalapenos” with “calvinists.” I’m sure there’s a joke in that somewhere.)

time for a new poll

time for a new poll

Congratulations to “Goddamn Fucking Shit!” With 32% of the vote, it wins the coveted Favorite Way to Blaspheme poll.

Here are the rest of the results:

Goddammit!………………………………… 28%
Jesus H. Christ!…………………………… 16%
jesusmaryjosephandthecamel!…….. 12%
Christ on a bike!……………………………. 8%
and the wimpy G.D.! gets the 4% it deserves

Go take a look at the new poll, if you want… it’s another winner (even if it pokes fun at my fellow dems).