important public service put big

important public service

put big brain to use
assist google and yahoo
helping out weirdos

Haiku of the Day gets a lot of visitors from various Google, Yahoo and Baidu searches (with a bit of MSN and AOL searches thrown in). Some of these people find what they’re searching for (like the throngs of people searching for fauxhawk info). Others, though, are out of luck. So just to be nice, I’m going to try and answer some of their questions in case they ever come back.

(And, yes, following the footsteps of more famed bloggers, I’m totally stealing this idea from someone else. Namely Mark Hasty – who could very well have stolen the idea from someone else, too.)

So here we go:

listerine “causing pain”
All I’m gonna say for this one is, Damn. I totally know what you mean. The first time I used Listerine (the original rust-colored “flavor”) I thought I’d been poisoned. It burned my mouth like crazy, and tasted like ass.

As far as causing real pain, though, maybe you’re allergic to one of the eighteen-syllable main ingredients. Or maybe you ate a bunch of tortilla chips (or Capn’ Crunch) and didn’t realize you’d torn the inside of your mouth to shreds until you drowned it in acid listerine.

Also, if your mouthwash is old it can cause a sore throat.

Karianne Sparks
I don’t know who the hell this is. But when I googled the name something came up about a chapter in a book called Keeping Good Teachers. Someone named Karianne Sparks wrote the chapter titled “Why Teachers Leave.” Presumably, the answers to this age-old question are:
1. the pay blows
2. your kid is an asshole
3. you don’t really get summers off like everyone says
4. the pay blows

fingernails crescents deficiency
Well, here’s what I know about this: the crescents in your fingernails don’t have anything to do with a deficiency (at least I don’t think so – but I’m an art history major, not a doctor). The crescents are just your new nail growing in. Now maybe those little white spots on the pink part of your nail indicate a vitamin deficiency of some kind. I don’t know. My mom told me I got a little white spot every time I lied. Right now I have three of them. Hmm. Sounds about right.

boobs sized as head
Can’t help you much here. My boobs are not sized as my head. They were once, right after my son was born. But believe me, ain’t nobody wants to see those (except, I guess, a starving newborn.) This picture is as closed to noggin’ sized boobs as I could find. Admittedly, though, I didn’t look very hard. (I stole this picture from Steve, don’t eat it!)


 
small movie in person
OK. I don’t really know what this means. But I can tell you something kind of cool… to promote I, Robot, the studio hired a bunch of people to wear t-shirts that actually played the movie trailer. That would be a small movie ON person. Close enough?

HEB low carb tortillas
Seriously, if you want to eat tortillas, don’t you think a low-carb diet is not for you? Isn’t that a little bit like thinking that you can eat diet chocolate cake or something equally ridiculous, and not gain weight? Just stick with the regular, fresh tortillas they make at HEB. They taste awesome. And eating one or two (even with -gasp- carbs) are not going to turn you into a killer whale.

popsicle haiku
wet, sticky, phallic
perfect for summer day
popsicles are cool

giraffe cake
There’s an awesome giraffe cake in the Martha Stewart Baby special issue magazine from Spring 2002. I made this cake for my son’s first birthday and it turned out swell. The toasted coconuts spots are especially yummy. If I had a scanner I could show a picture of the cake, but alas, I do not. Just know that it was a kick ass cake.

fargin bastich movie
A movie I have grown to love… Johnny Dangerously. Now, icehole, don’t be so lazy next time and just go straight to IMDB.

Rumsfeld haiku
no one talks about
Rumsfeld helping Saddam use
chemical weapons

tomatillo picture
here’s one with the husk on: 
 

Here’s one with the husk off:

They’re like little fruity tomatoes (only not quite so wet inside). They have a nice kind of citrus-y taste and they make a heckuva good sauce when you blend them with some jalapenos and avocado. Plus, they grow like crazy in the hot, clay-filled Texas soil in my backyard.

how to write a haiku alien
Again, I don’t really know what this means. But I can tell you that writing a haiku is simple – just 5 syllables on the first line, 7 syllables on the second, then 5 syllables on the last line. Easy as pie.
Now, writing a “haiku alien” is something I’m not altogether familiar with.

parents magazine barn cake
yeah, you don’t want to make this cake. Why? Because in order to make the cake red you have to layer strips of fruit roll-ups along the side of the cake like Sears siding. Who wants to eat cake covered in fruit roll-ups? Gross. Of course, the barn cake I made entailed using about 50 gallons of red food coloring, so I guess you just have to weigh what you think is grosser. Here’s a pic of the barn cake I made for the wee one’ big 0-2. Not as fancy looking as the Parent’s Magazine cake, but I can garandamntee you it tasted a whole lot better.

(side note: blogger spell check tried to replace “jalapenos” with “calvinists.” I’m sure there’s a joke in that somewhere.)

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