ew. ew. ew. One baby

ew. ew. ew.

One baby with a sore throat
+
many, many colorful popsicles
=
one large poopy diaper and a whole new understanding of color theory

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important public service put big

important public service

put big brain to use
assist google and yahoo
helping out weirdos

Haiku of the Day gets a lot of visitors from various Google, Yahoo and Baidu searches (with a bit of MSN and AOL searches thrown in). Some of these people find what they’re searching for (like the throngs of people searching for fauxhawk info). Others, though, are out of luck. So just to be nice, I’m going to try and answer some of their questions in case they ever come back.

(And, yes, following the footsteps of more famed bloggers, I’m totally stealing this idea from someone else. Namely Mark Hasty – who could very well have stolen the idea from someone else, too.)

So here we go:

listerine “causing pain”
All I’m gonna say for this one is, Damn. I totally know what you mean. The first time I used Listerine (the original rust-colored “flavor”) I thought I’d been poisoned. It burned my mouth like crazy, and tasted like ass.

As far as causing real pain, though, maybe you’re allergic to one of the eighteen-syllable main ingredients. Or maybe you ate a bunch of tortilla chips (or Capn’ Crunch) and didn’t realize you’d torn the inside of your mouth to shreds until you drowned it in acid listerine.

Also, if your mouthwash is old it can cause a sore throat.

Karianne Sparks
I don’t know who the hell this is. But when I googled the name something came up about a chapter in a book called Keeping Good Teachers. Someone named Karianne Sparks wrote the chapter titled “Why Teachers Leave.” Presumably, the answers to this age-old question are:
1. the pay blows
2. your kid is an asshole
3. you don’t really get summers off like everyone says
4. the pay blows

fingernails crescents deficiency
Well, here’s what I know about this: the crescents in your fingernails don’t have anything to do with a deficiency (at least I don’t think so – but I’m an art history major, not a doctor). The crescents are just your new nail growing in. Now maybe those little white spots on the pink part of your nail indicate a vitamin deficiency of some kind. I don’t know. My mom told me I got a little white spot every time I lied. Right now I have three of them. Hmm. Sounds about right.

boobs sized as head
Can’t help you much here. My boobs are not sized as my head. They were once, right after my son was born. But believe me, ain’t nobody wants to see those (except, I guess, a starving newborn.) This picture is as closed to noggin’ sized boobs as I could find. Admittedly, though, I didn’t look very hard. (I stole this picture from Steve, don’t eat it!)


 
small movie in person
OK. I don’t really know what this means. But I can tell you something kind of cool… to promote I, Robot, the studio hired a bunch of people to wear t-shirts that actually played the movie trailer. That would be a small movie ON person. Close enough?

HEB low carb tortillas
Seriously, if you want to eat tortillas, don’t you think a low-carb diet is not for you? Isn’t that a little bit like thinking that you can eat diet chocolate cake or something equally ridiculous, and not gain weight? Just stick with the regular, fresh tortillas they make at HEB. They taste awesome. And eating one or two (even with -gasp- carbs) are not going to turn you into a killer whale.

popsicle haiku
wet, sticky, phallic
perfect for summer day
popsicles are cool

giraffe cake
There’s an awesome giraffe cake in the Martha Stewart Baby special issue magazine from Spring 2002. I made this cake for my son’s first birthday and it turned out swell. The toasted coconuts spots are especially yummy. If I had a scanner I could show a picture of the cake, but alas, I do not. Just know that it was a kick ass cake.

fargin bastich movie
A movie I have grown to love… Johnny Dangerously. Now, icehole, don’t be so lazy next time and just go straight to IMDB.

Rumsfeld haiku
no one talks about
Rumsfeld helping Saddam use
chemical weapons

tomatillo picture
here’s one with the husk on: 
 

Here’s one with the husk off:

They’re like little fruity tomatoes (only not quite so wet inside). They have a nice kind of citrus-y taste and they make a heckuva good sauce when you blend them with some jalapenos and avocado. Plus, they grow like crazy in the hot, clay-filled Texas soil in my backyard.

how to write a haiku alien
Again, I don’t really know what this means. But I can tell you that writing a haiku is simple – just 5 syllables on the first line, 7 syllables on the second, then 5 syllables on the last line. Easy as pie.
Now, writing a “haiku alien” is something I’m not altogether familiar with.

parents magazine barn cake
yeah, you don’t want to make this cake. Why? Because in order to make the cake red you have to layer strips of fruit roll-ups along the side of the cake like Sears siding. Who wants to eat cake covered in fruit roll-ups? Gross. Of course, the barn cake I made entailed using about 50 gallons of red food coloring, so I guess you just have to weigh what you think is grosser. Here’s a pic of the barn cake I made for the wee one’ big 0-2. Not as fancy looking as the Parent’s Magazine cake, but I can garandamntee you it tasted a whole lot better.

(side note: blogger spell check tried to replace “jalapenos” with “calvinists.” I’m sure there’s a joke in that somewhere.)

time for a new poll

time for a new poll

Congratulations to “Goddamn Fucking Shit!” With 32% of the vote, it wins the coveted Favorite Way to Blaspheme poll.

Here are the rest of the results:

Goddammit!………………………………… 28%
Jesus H. Christ!…………………………… 16%
jesusmaryjosephandthecamel!…….. 12%
Christ on a bike!……………………………. 8%
and the wimpy G.D.! gets the 4% it deserves

Go take a look at the new poll, if you want… it’s another winner (even if it pokes fun at my fellow dems).

kitties is it satan’s

kitties

is it satan’s spawn
even if it has whiskers
and mews quietly?

I’m just gonna lay it all out and say: I hate cats. I’ve always hated cats. Well, maybe not always. Perhaps, in my childhood, circa 2 years old, I liked little kitties. But then I turned three. My dad took me for a walk. I remember a black cat walking along the sidewalk next to us. The cat looked at me… SMILED… and then leapt vertically from a completely still position to scratch my forearm. That’s right. Straight up in the air… a good five feet at least. (I was being held my dad, who’s no shorty). Screaming and bleeding, we ran home as we were chased by the evil, vertical-jumping satan cat.

That’s when I started hating cats.

As I got older, I had brief moments of thinking I might start liking cats but then one of the nasty critters would attack me – always unprovoked – and I would remain a proud cat hater.

So here’s the problem. The hubby has a client who has a cat who had about 8 million kittens, blah blah blah. It’s the same old story you always hear. And the kittens, I’m sure, are adorable little fur balls that the wee one would love to torture and get cat scratch fever from. But I haven’t seen the kittens yet, so my heart is still somewhat stony.

Or it was until I watched the news. Some effing psycho nutjob has been throwing kittens OUT OF HIS MOVING CAR onto the highway. Something like FOURTEEN of them so far.

Now I fully admit to hating cats, but this is just too much.

One of the kittens survived the torture and the news guys showed it, still shaking, in the corner of its cage at the spca. Its little face was kind of mangled, but the spca lady said it would be just fine, not counting the understandable post-traumatic stress it will have for freaking ever.

When I saw that little kitty, my heart broke. It shattered. So now, because of that poor traumatized kitty, I have this feeling that it’s my duty to take a kitten into my home. Otherwise, it’s going to the shelter where it may be adopted by some idiot who may throw it out of his car onto the highway. (Though I imagine the idiot who’s doing that wouldn’t actually pay money to adopt a kitten to kill.)

But, see, I hate cats. Always have. I can’t have a cat in my house. It’d be like having a republican in my house. Or a libertarian.

Would the kitty and I be able to set aside our (most likely) mutual dislike to form a bond like the one other people have with felines? Would the kitty agree not to infect my family members and dog with weird cat diseases? Would I be able to name the kitty something cool like “Fang” or “Roberta?”

Can it be that the news story made my two-sizes too small heart grow three sizes bigger?

But I can’t save all the kitties in Whoville. Just one. And I’m still not sure it’s a good idea.

-sigh-

One cat. And a little scratching post. And some scoopy litter that my hubby will have to change. Maybe.

Or I could just make a donation to the SPCA and have that be that.

friday crap Well, I never

friday crap

Well, I never do these things, but today I thought, “What they hey, how about a meme?” (Which, byt the way is pronounced MEEM and not MAYMAY. Am I the only one in the world who said MAYMAY?)

So here it is in all its glory. I kind of even made it up all by myself. Just go through and pick which one you like best of each of the two things. You can make up your own agonizing questions, too, if you want.

yee haw.

 
hot or cold?
coke or pepsi?
han solo or indiana jones?
mr. rogers or the speedy delivery guy?
casablanca or gone with the wind?
the scarlet letter or moby dick?
i love the 80s or trading spaces?
white gold or gold gold?
grits or cream of wheat?
major highway or tiny little back streets?
glasses or contacts?
chew nails or cut nails?
pearl jam or nirvana?
sidney or scully?
spiderman or superman?
twix or snickers?
huggies or pampers?
asshole or asshat?
blue or red?
CSI LV or CSI miami?
Celine Dion or ramming a spike through your head?
sharp cheese or mild cheese?
good olive oil or save $5?
oprah or ellen?

 
OK. I could do this forever, but I have to get going. y’all have fun. I’ll check back in later.

question of the day mobile

question of the day

mobile phone goes “beep!”
two new voicemail messages…
from eight days ago

Why do mobile phones do this? If I have two new voicemails, I’d like to actually hear them as soon as they’re recorded. Not having them appear until eight days after they’ve been recorded kind of, you know, DEFIES THE POINT OF VOICEMAIL.

I’m going to happily blame it all on the morons at Sprint. Jesusmaryjosephandthecamel, could one company manage to hire MORE stupid people? Ain’t nothing like a surly, whispering peabrain with an unidentified speech impediment to provide the best customer service available.

asshats. all of them.

Homer must be wetting his

Homer must be wetting his pants

nectar of the gods
a drinkable glazed donut
for those hot, hot days

Have you ever been sitting out in the summer heat thinking to yourself, “Damn. I’d eat a Krispy Kreme donut right now if I wasn’t so hot.”

Or perhaps you find yourself lying on the sofa thinking, “Damn. If I wasn’t so tired I’d reach my hand over to the table and grab me one of those Krispy Kreme donuts.”

Well, friend. Your problems are solved. With the new drinkable glazed Krispy Kreme donut, you can reward your sweat and laziness.

What a sweet deal. ahem.

Seriously. I’m not making this up.