make it stop the Donald’s

make it stop

the Donald’s voice grates
even carolyn winces
make the VOs stop

Damn, Donald. Do you think we’re idiots? The dubbed voiceovers in the board room are TERRIBLE. You don’t have to be an A/V geek to hear how bad they are – and to tell that they’re not part of the live flaying you’re giving to the contestants.

You’re a billionaire. Can’t you afford good dubbing? Jeebus.

crazy bullshit maymay day I

crazy bullshit maymay day

I can think of squat
synapses misfiring
hibernating brain

I stole this from Baldomom. It seemed like the perfect thing to do on a day where I can’t put two words together because of election angst and my fall down excitement over the Texas Book Festival this weekend.

So here’s the first handful of the 100 Questions Maymay Thing I Stole:

1. What is the geekiest part of your music collection?

2. What do you eat when you raid the fridge late at night?
I don’t raid the fridge. I raid the pantry for any and all Little Debbie Cosmic Brownies

3. What is your secret guaranteed weeping movie?

4. If you could have plastic surgery, what would you have done?
I might go for lasik – or maybe that underarm botox that keeps you from sweating like a wild animal.

5. Do you have a completely irrational fear?
only about a million of them

6. What is the little physical habit that gives away your insecure moment?
chewing my fingernails

7. Are you a pyromaniac?

8. Do you have too many love interests?
counting subconscious crushes that manifest themselves in bizarre dreams that scare me for days? Yes.

9. Do you know anyone famous?
I know people who know people who are famous, does that count?

10. Describe your bed:
big. and usually soaked with remnants of butt lick from my gross dog.

11. Spontaneous or planned?
planned spontaneity. Sounds like an oxymoron, but it isn’t. I swear.

12. Who should play you in a movie about your life?

13. Do you know how to play poker?
I know the basics, but I don’t get the betting part. So, I guess, no.

14. What do you carry with you at all times?
the wee one, my phone, an Imodium AD caplet, a constant nagging urge that I should be writing

15. What do you miss most about being a kid?
having grown-ups hand me money when I need it

16. Are you happy with your given name?
yeah. I dig it.

17. How much money would it take to get you to give up the Internet for one year?
The Internet? Not that much. E-mail? A quadzillion dollars.

18. What color is your bedroom?
white and imaginary orange or yellow or green. One day we’ll paint.

19. What was the last song you were listening to?
Float On, Modest Mouse

20. Have you ever been in a play?

21. Have you ever been in love?
I grow more in love everyday. Being in love is exponential for me.

22. Do you talk a lot?
with friends and family, yes. In social settings? I snort and grunt and have the sophistication of the Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer.

23. Do you like yourself and believe in yourself?
hell yeah

24. Do transient, homeless, or starving people sometimes annoy you?
I mostly hate people, so yes. I try to not take it out on the panhandling people, though. I like to focus my blame on evil politicians, because they’re such easy targets.

25. Do you consider yourself to be a nice person?

26. Do you spend more time with your girlfriend/boyfriend or your friends?
My husband

27. What is your ideal marriage location?
any beach except a Texas beach

28. Which musical instrument do you wish you could play?

29. Favorite fabric?
that really thin flowy cotton that you can see through and thus never wear in public. Oh – and threadbare t-shirts. Basically any fabric that makes me feel as close to naked as possible.

30. Something you love and hate?

31. What kind of bedding do you use?
the regular kind

32. Do you tell your friends about your sex life?
not really

33. What’s the one language you want to learn?
russian. I know the basics, but damn I’m rusty.

34. How do you eat an apple?

35. What do you order at a bar?
a margarita on the rocks

36. Have you ever pierced your body parts?
belly button, ears

More to come later. Aren’t you excited?

It’s alive! utter revulsion it’s

It’s alive!

utter revulsion
it’s not a bad wake-up call
if you can take it

This morning I discovered something even better than coffee for shaking off the dregs of sleep.

A scorpion in the shower.

That’s right. Why spend all that money on Columbian roast when you can just drop a squirming, tail-snapping, angry arachnid onto the floor of your shower? It’ll wake you up in an instant!

Even better is the feeling you get once you hop screaming from the shower and put your glasses on. Then the once seemingly three inch scorpion is perceived at its actual size – that of a mini cooper.

After throwing all the shoes you can find into the shower, hoping that one will be large enough to smash the scary interloper, you can enjoy a sigh of relief, and the jittery hands of someone who has had maybe 4 or 5 cups of joe.

Ah, scorpions. At least I didn’t get stung this time.

hep me guru is in

hep me

guru is in jail
not that she’d help anyway
I ain’t rich, Martha

I posted this on a mama discussion board, but I haven’t gotten a lot of advice yet, so I’m looking to you, Blog People. Hep me with my stunted crafting abilities…

Even if I play the Beastie Boys “She’s Crafty” and I put Martha on in
the background, I still cannot glue, sew, iron-on, or decopage my way
out of a paper bag.

Even so, I’m still attempting to make the wee one a knight in
shining armor costume. So far, it’s a couple of pieces of poster board
covered in aluminum foil, and it doesn’t look half bad (well, really,
it looks a lot a gladiator outfit). I’ve come to the conclusion that
the only way to avoid looking like a gladiator/baked potato is to add
some chain maille.

Anybody have any ideas on how to make some safe, fake chain maille –
like a hood and something to go over his arms? I found some kind of
aluminum netting at Michaels that looked pretty cool, but it was about
800 million dollars and seemed awfully stabby.

If we lived in the Matrix I could just have Trinity slam a spike in my
head and download all the info I need to learn how to knit some chain
maille. Alas.

Any help out there? Bueller?

repositioning my corporation always in


my corporation
always in turmoil, messy
but I don’t cook books

A while back Dell Computer repositioned itself to become just Dell Period. This way they can go into lucrative markets like plasma TVs and world domination.

A lot of corporations do this. Remember Firestone of death by SUV fame? Now they’re pretty much just Bridgestone. And Kentucky Fried Chicken? That’s Kitchen FRESH Chicken now (even though it still kills you from the inside out).

Anyway, I’ve been thinking about how it would be interesting if families could be repositioned like this. You slog home from work one day, throw your bag o’ work crap on the ground, gather the kids together and say, “Hey guess what? We’re no longer the Smith family, OK? We’re now the Smith Fam, LLC. We’re going to produce happiness and organic homemade lasagne instead of familial discord and non-digestible Hamburger Helper. Everyone on board? Good.”

Except that, on a fundamental level, you’re still the same old group of scraggly junk-food eating, reality TV watching, butt-scratching folks. Just like the corporations.

Maybe it’s kind of like that grotesque Extreme Makeover show. You can take the junk out of the trunk, but it’s still the same damn trunk, you know? Don’t corporations realize that the public knows they’re the same on the inside as they used to be? It takes more than an altered name to become something new.

It takes a good ad agency. Haha. Just kidding. Well, not really.

I guess maybe I’m confusing repositioning with rebranding. That is, if they’re actually two different things to begin with.

I’m going to stop writing this now, not just because I’ve lost track of what I was thinking in the first place, or because the wee one has appeared wearing only a diaper and my calf length high-heeled black boots and is looking disturbingly like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman.

I’m stopping because this post reminds me of the esoteric, yet meaningless conversations I used to have when I was young and thought I knew everything. Now that I’m not so young and still think I know everything, I can at least recognize when I’m being boring.

Sorry about that. More poop jokes forthcoming. I promise.

joke crazy ass fusion way,


crazy ass fusion
way, way stronger than chicken
an aquired taste

Saw this on saturday night live:

This year’s winner of Family Circle’s Presidential Cookie Bake-Off contest were Laura Bush’s oatmeal chocolate chunk cookies. They beat out Theresa Heinz Kerry’s Portuguese ketchup rhinoceros bars.

I laughed until my guffaws degenerated into slobbering gasps.

God, I love Tina Fey.

(And I love THK, too… but can’t you just SEE her baking Portuguese ketchup rhinoceros bars?)


method to my madness mops,

method to my madness

mops, brushes, poison
cleaning house sucks donkeyballs
or at least it did

There’s this stuff. It’s called Method and you use it to clean your house. There’s Method floor cleaner, Method dish washer stuff, Method bathroom cleaner, etc. Normally, I don’t really get all crazy about cleaning supplies. In fact, I hate how they make my house smell. I don’t want to live in an old folks home until I’m old, you know?

But I bought some of this method stuff anyway, because 1) it smells damn good and 2) it won’t kill my baby. Other benefits are that it’s biodegradeable and little bunnies aren’t tortured to make sure it won’t sting your eyes.

I guess this means I’m sort of like one of those people who puts “Save the Planet” bumper stickers all over their Hummer, because practically everything else in my house is poisonous and/or going to outlast a million and one nuclear winters.

But I like the Method stuff. It cleans off dried up oatmeal from my walls and it smells like pink grapefruit. How awesome is that?