nice, healthy stretching
the chants are pretty fun, too
“leave my mat alone!”
I bought yoga pants. I bought a yoga top. I bought a yoga mat. I bought a yoga DVD. What I should have done was scrap all that crap, put on some old sweat pants, hire a babysitter and take a class at the Y.
Instead, here is a transcript of me trying to feel “enlightened” as I “listen[ed] to my body” and feel “the energy extend from my fingertips.”
ME: Mommy’s gonna do some yoga this morning, then we’ll go to the grocery store.
WEE ONE: Are we gonna yoga dance with the new DVD?
ME: That’s exactly right.
[I lay out mat on the floor, turn DVD on, try to follow instructions]
INSTRUCTIONS: Be aware of your breathing…
ME: Wee One, can you stop playing drums on my butt?
WEE ONE: hee hee hee hee
INSTRUCTIONS: Align your hips and your spine as you—
WEE ONE: Can we watch Dora?
ME: Later. Mommy needs to find her inner peace.
INSTRUCTIONS: For this next pose, you should place your foot—
WEE ONE: Can I have some more milk?
ME: [out of the corner of my mouth, as if the DVD yoga lady can actually see me] In a minute.
WEE ONE: [going all flopping armed and headed while making these “unh” “buh—” “now” noises]
ME: What do you say?
WEE ONE: [unhappily] please.
ME: [pausing the
mocking smiling visage of Yoga Lady on my TV, going to get milk]
ME: Here’s your milk, baby. Can mommy do yoga now?
WEE ONE: [grabbing yoga mat] Can I do yoga too?
ME: Gimme the mat back. It is not a cowboy rope. [grabbing mat, placing it back on the floor] OK. You can do yoga with me. [unpausing DVD]
INSTRUCTIONS: Make sure your hips are turned out, your face is turned up, your ass is all clenchy, your armpits are sweating, your anger is welling…
ME: OUT OF MY WAY. I CAN’T SEE THE SCREEN!
WEE ONE: [going all floppy again] UN, buh– I was just. I wanna do the yoga dance.
ME: [calming down]: Can you do the yoga dance behind me?
WEE ONE: [going behind me, pretending to cut my hair with his toy dr. kit clamp] Sure.
INSTRUCTIONS: Now use your legs to lift your spine and—
DOG: whine whine whine whine whine whine whine
ME: What the hell is the matter with you, Newman? [pause] Sorry, Newman. What’s wrong boy? Oh, you’re about the pee on my carpet because I was so concerned with yoga I forgot to let you out this morning? Sorry. Here you go. [pause DVD, open back door.]
WEE ONE: Let’s have oatmeal.
ME: [building to a simmer, talking very slowly, trying to remain calm] I’ll fix you more oatmeal. You watch mommy do yoga. Deal?
WEE ONE: [dances around room, throws one lego, hammers the wall with toy found under sofa] Sure.
[Oatmeal is served. DVD unpaused. I go stand on my mat one more time.]
INSTRUCTIONS: The whatthefuck warrior pose is my favorite. It relaxes me and makes me feel confidant.
DOG: [from outside] whine whine whine whine whine
ME: [gritting teeth, stomping to open door]
INSTRUCTIONS: Can you feel the stretch? Isn’t this relaxing?
WEE ONE: Mommy, I’m booooooooored.
ME: JUST LET MOMMY DO YOGA SO SHE CAN RELAX AND BE ALIGNED WITH THE FRIGGIN WORLD
ME: Sorry. We never never say ‘friggin’ OK, baby?
WEE ONE: [staring at me like I’m crazy, which assuredly I am]
INSTRUCTIONS: As you feel the world float away, let your eyes relax. Your mouth relax. Your whole face relax. Now let your mind relax.
WEE ONE: Can we play legos, mommy?
ME: [big sigh, felt though my rib cage and diaphragm and all that bullshit] Sure, little man. Let’s play legos.
INSTRUCTIONS: Now you can go about your day feeling relaxed and refreshed.
ME: [giving unfriendly finger salute to the TV as I reach for the remote]
ME: I got yer namaste in that diaper right over there.
WEE ONE: Mooooooooommy, COME ON.
ME: [turning TV off, walking down hallway] How was your oatmeal? Can we change that diaper?