yoga nice, healthy stretching the

yoga

nice, healthy stretching
the chants are pretty fun, too
“leave my mat alone!”

I bought yoga pants. I bought a yoga top. I bought a yoga mat. I bought a yoga DVD. What I should have done was scrap all that crap, put on some old sweat pants, hire a babysitter and take a class at the Y.

Instead, here is a transcript of me trying to feel “enlightened” as I “listen[ed] to my body” and feel “the energy extend from my fingertips.”

ME: Mommy’s gonna do some yoga this morning, then we’ll go to the grocery store.

WEE ONE: Are we gonna yoga dance with the new DVD?

ME: That’s exactly right.

[I lay out mat on the floor, turn DVD on, try to follow instructions]

INSTRUCTIONS: Be aware of your breathing…

ME: Wee One, can you stop playing drums on my butt?

WEE ONE: hee hee hee hee

INSTRUCTIONS: Align your hips and your spine as you—

WEE ONE: Can we watch Dora?

ME: Later. Mommy needs to find her inner peace.

INSTRUCTIONS: For this next pose, you should place your foot—

WEE ONE: Can I have some more milk?

ME: [out of the corner of my mouth, as if the DVD yoga lady can actually see me] In a minute.

WEE ONE: [going all flopping armed and headed while making these “unh” “buh—” “now” noises]

ME: What do you say?

WEE ONE: [unhappily] please.

ME: [pausing the mocking smiling visage of Yoga Lady on my TV, going to get milk]

ME: Here’s your milk, baby. Can mommy do yoga now?

WEE ONE: [grabbing yoga mat] Can I do yoga too?

ME: Gimme the mat back. It is not a cowboy rope. [grabbing mat, placing it back on the floor] OK. You can do yoga with me. [unpausing DVD]

INSTRUCTIONS: Make sure your hips are turned out, your face is turned up, your ass is all clenchy, your armpits are sweating, your anger is welling…

ME: OUT OF MY WAY. I CAN’T SEE THE SCREEN!

WEE ONE: [going all floppy again] UN, buh– I was just. I wanna do the yoga dance.

ME: [calming down]: Can you do the yoga dance behind me?

WEE ONE: [going behind me, pretending to cut my hair with his toy dr. kit clamp] Sure.

INSTRUCTIONS: Now use your legs to lift your spine and—

DOG: whine whine whine whine whine whine whine

ME: What the hell is the matter with you, Newman? [pause] Sorry, Newman. What’s wrong boy? Oh, you’re about the pee on my carpet because I was so concerned with yoga I forgot to let you out this morning? Sorry. Here you go. [pause DVD, open back door.]

WEE ONE: Let’s have oatmeal.

ME: [building to a simmer, talking very slowly, trying to remain calm] I’ll fix you more oatmeal. You watch mommy do yoga. Deal?

WEE ONE: [dances around room, throws one lego, hammers the wall with toy found under sofa] Sure.

[Oatmeal is served. DVD unpaused. I go stand on my mat one more time.]

INSTRUCTIONS: The whatthefuck warrior pose is my favorite. It relaxes me and makes me feel confidant.

DOG: [from outside] whine whine whine whine whine

ME: [gritting teeth, stomping to open door]

INSTRUCTIONS: Can you feel the stretch? Isn’t this relaxing?

WEE ONE: Mommy, I’m booooooooored.

ME: JUST LET MOMMY DO YOGA SO SHE CAN RELAX AND BE ALIGNED WITH THE FRIGGIN WORLD

ME: Sorry. We never never say ‘friggin’ OK, baby?

WEE ONE: [staring at me like I’m crazy, which assuredly I am]

INSTRUCTIONS: As you feel the world float away, let your eyes relax. Your mouth relax. Your whole face relax. Now let your mind relax.

WEE ONE: Can we play legos, mommy?

ME: [big sigh, felt though my rib cage and diaphragm and all that bullshit] Sure, little man. Let’s play legos.

INSTRUCTIONS: Now you can go about your day feeling relaxed and refreshed.

ME: [giving unfriendly finger salute to the TV as I reach for the remote]

INSTRUCTIONS: Namaste.

ME: I got yer namaste in that diaper right over there.

WEE ONE: Mooooooooommy, COME ON.

ME: [turning TV off, walking down hallway] How was your oatmeal? Can we change that diaper?

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