stupid “acceptance” how dare they

stupid “acceptance”

how dare they try to
promote acceptance to kids
we want them to hate!

File this under Give me a Friggin’ Break.

bah TV off limits at


TV off limits
at least for this afternoon
I might go crazy

This exact day, in 1997, I was in Washington DC with my boyfriend (now my husband), celebrating the second inauguration of Bill Clinton. It was bitter cold. I mean freezing ass, toes turning black, cold. Something like 11 degrees, not factoring in the windchill.

We wandered around, listened to bands, drank champagne under a tent, ate state fair type food, and capped the day watching some really gorgeous fireworks explode over various monuments.

It’s a great memory. If I had more than five seconds to write this post, I’d fill you on more details. But I can’t. The wee one has smuggled rocks from the playground into the house and is trying to stick them into the computer tower. Not cool.

I’m sure there’s something clever I could write about the passage of time, the changes in my life, the changes in politics, etc. But right now I really, really have to go get the rocks out of the CD burner.

wrong life ruled by TV


life ruled by TV
the mood-altering colors
make me so happy

I shouldn’t admit this, but around this time every Wednesday my heart skips a beat because I remember that Lost is on in approximately 6 hours. And now Alias is on after it. And it is as if the world has come into focus for the first time all week. I feel celebratory and cheerful.

This is so wrong on many levels. But it’s true.

Lost is on tonight. eeeeeeeeee.

Globe Odes I used to

Globe Odes

I used to hate her
but she called herself “has-been”
and that was too cool

am I a sucker
to watch these pats on the backs?
most definitely

please tell me, Jamie
did it hurt real bad when you
got a head tattoo?

Marc Cherry thanked mom
cameraman showed Racquel Welch
I almost peed pants

no one ate dessert
spied no confections at all
eating butt-kiss pie?

I love Meryl Streep
when she attacks young winners
she can be my girl

lisa marie’s cape
defied Edna Mode’s advice
will cause big trouble

hoo hah could have been

hoo hah

could have been blinded
without some quick reflexes
attack of nose hair

Just a friendly note for any police officers out there: if you’re going to be out pulling people over for very, extremely minor offenses (like an expired registration), please make sure your nose hair is trimmed. ‘Cause, damn. It’s not only a hygiene thing… looking up into your Nostrils of Doom could seriously put out an eye.

Dr. Strangehoover the future is

Dr. Strangehoover

the future is now
atoms trump wiley dog hair
a great idea!

Did you know that around 1957, a man named Alexander Lewyt, president of Lewyt Vacuum Cleaners stated that, “Nuclear-powered vacuum cleaners will probably be a reality in ten years.”

I tell ya, Alexander, if a nuclear-powered vacuum cleaner would get all the damn dog hair out of my carpet, I’d buy one.

Heebie Jeebies thanks for scaring

Heebie Jeebies

thanks for scaring me
is this how you order fries
you insane banshee?

Dear Psycho Nutjob,

Hi. You don’t know me, because I was inside the Post Office while you were going apeshit outside the Post Office. But I know you. I heard your harpy wailing just like everyone else did who was waiting in line to mail stuff.

Just because you either:

A) can’t read
B) think the world revolves around you
C) both of the above

doesn’t mean you should cause a truly terrifying experience for others. Seriously. Did you think that laying on your horn and screaming obscenities at the PO guy would really make him reopen the closed drive-through window? I mean, come on. Every other living soul in town knows that the drive-thru at the Post Office closes a half an hour before the rest of the place does. And for those who are unsure… guess what? THERE’S A GIANT SIGN WITH POSTED HOURS.

Choosing to ignore the sign and instead wail and curse and honk your horn for ten minutes is… and listen closely here… NOT the right tactic to take if you want someone to help you out. It’s the perfect tactic for having the PO guy call the police. Which he did. I watched him.

It’s also the perfect tactic for giving every single person in the PO a heart attack. Because as a situation like the one you created escalates, we all begin to truly worry for our safety. Luckily you didn’t have a loaded gun in your car. If you would have, I’m pretty sure you would have shot through the drive-thru window. Maybe you would have heaved your fat ass (and, yes, I’m sure you have a fat ass) out of your car and held us all hostage until you got your $7.40 worth of stamps. I’m glad your gun was in the shop. Or wedged so tightly into your wrangler jeans pocket that you couldn’t wrench it out. Either way… you scared the shit out of me and several other people yesterday and you should be ashamed.

A violent hissy fit for stamps?

You suck, bitch.


Concerned Mother