out of touch Fie! A

out of touch

Fie! A pox on malls!
victoria’s secret is
that I’m flat broke now

It’s been a long time since I had new underwear. Wearing sagging old nursing bras and holey undies isn’t really helping my self-esteem, so I figured, Hey! I’m going to be a published author! Published authors aren’t supposed to wear grayish nursing bras when they aren’t nursing anymore! Published authors aren’t supposed to wear falling apart Hanes Her Ways! Published authors are supposed to be bookish, yet sexy. So I went out in search of bookish, yet sexy, coverings for my bathing suit areas.

This is when I did the unthinkable. I dragged the wee one out to suburban hell for a little Chik-Fil-A and some secreting around with victoria.

$44 for a bra! One bra! Is women’s underwear now priced by OPEC?

I had to hold onto the stroller for support. (There’s a pun in there somewhere.)

The salesgirl was nice, though. Really nice, actually, like earning commission nice. But I don’t think she was earning a commission. Is it true that salesgirl’s will be nice to you for no reason? I’ve never experienced this before today. It was kind of nice. After I choked over the high-dollar brassiere, she helped me find some that were a better price. And some stripey panties, too.

So yay. New undies for me.

Is this one of those TMI posts? Sorry about that. It’s just very exciting to have new underwear. It’s almost as good as getting a haircut.

PS. Is it just me, or is there an abundance of lecherous looking, mustachioed guys that work at those dumb kiosks that sell toy airplanes and candles and embroidered shirts? Seriously, it’s as if they have to go to Perfecting The Wink, Polo Shirt Collar Popping, Mustache Grooming School before they can work a kiosk. It gives me the creeps.

good news how much protein

good news

how much protein is
in Wendy’s finger chili
Atkins specialty?

Well, the good news is that the finger found in some lady’s chili at Wendy’s is NOT – and I repeat NOT – the same finger that was eaten off by a leopard and then misplaced.

I had no idea so many human fingers were being consumed lately.

This Atkins diet fad is out of control.

Offer! Offer! Offer! what is

Offer! Offer! Offer!

what is that squealing?
a pig stuck in the back door?
nope, it’s me. All me.

OK, remember how last week I was all pouty because I thought I was close to a book deal, but I really wasn’t?

Well, LO!

Another publisher is interested, and in fact has sent an offer to my agent!

No papers are signed, but there’s an offer on the table. An advance and royalties and everything!

Holy crap.

Did I tell you this is for a haiku book, not the novel? How crazy is that?

ee m(akesm e feel s)o

ee

m(akesm e feel s)o good
reading ee cummings’ (stuff)
an: uplifting breeze

Every now and then I forget how much I love ee cummings. And then I check out a book of his poetry from the library and it feels like the first fresh breath of air I’ve had in years.

Have you ever read something you loved so much you ran your hand over the words?

Have you ever caught a glimpse of something beautiful from the corner of your eye and when you turned to see it full on it was gone, but you still felt its beauty to your very core?

This is (poorly described and even more poorly grammar-ized) ee cummings to me.

The less you try to analyze it, the more meaningful it is. I really love that. It seems like the poetry equivalent of butterfly kisses, but it’s so much more.

Great stuff, that.

misunderstanding to be literal seems

misunderstanding

to be literal
seems so cute until you mess
things up totally

The wee one has special Flintstones vitamins – they’re formulated for those under the age of 3 (or maybe it’s under the age of four – I’ll have to check on that.) Anyway, he LOVES them. He begs for vitamins. It was cute at first, and then a little dangerous when he tried to climb onto the cabinet to reach the vitamins in the cupboard. We sorted that out, though, and now he knows better and the vitamins are kept in a secret location, that requires me to use a step stool.

Our big adventure with the vitamins now is naming all of the characters. The wee one will grasp his tiny vitamin and look at it with such concentration. "Is this one Bama Bam, mommy? Or Dino dinosaur?"

He’s pretty good at figuring it out, and when no one can figure it out, he happily eats the vitamin anyway. But the other day we had some confusion. For the first time ever, he had a Pebbles.

"Who is this one, mommy? Bama Bam?"

I took the red vitamin, held it close to my face and squinted. "I think it’s… shoot. I don’t remember."

"Gimme Shoot!" the wee one yelled. "It’s time to eat Shoot!"

"Uh, no baby, her name’s not Shoot, it’s… shoot." I still couldn’t remember.

So for the past few days, the wee one has been obsessed with Shoot vitamins. I’ve had to search the bottle to find a Shoot for each day. No more Bama Bams or Dino Dinosaurs. All he wants is Shoot.

Finally, this morning I remembered her name. "Eureka!" I shouted (I really did shout that) "It’s Pebbles! Pebbles is her name! Shoot is Pebbles, baby… got that?"

The wee one gave me a confused look. "Shoot Pebbles?"

"No, no we don’t shoot anything. Even pretend shooting is not cool. No shooting."

He stared at me for a long time. Then he took the vitamin from my hand slowly as if I had turned into a ranting crazy person. He said, "O. K. Mommy. I won’t shoot Shoot." And then he gobbled her up.

off da hook incredible ass

off da hook

incredible ass
you attract so many folks
with your britishness

Over the past few days, Haiku of the Day’s traffic has increased by more than 100%. Of course, I thought it was due to how wonderfully witty I am. But it’s not. It’s because I have a link to a picture of a british ass. That’s right. If you do a google image search for "Ass," this blog is something like the 5th result.

So to all you ass searchers out there… welcome.

hmph should know better than

hmph

should know better than
to express some excitement
excitement be damned

For future reference: if you write a book and an editor likes the book and you talk to the editor on the phone about the book and you make a few minor changes to the book and then you talk about marketing the book and how the cover of the book might look… don’t get excited. Because you’ll still get an email that tells you the sales team doesn’t think the book will make a profit, therefore the book gets "passed" on.

Hmph.

Hmph.

Side note: I know it’s still awesome that a publisher is even taking interest in any of my books right now – they’re new and just making the rounds. I feel very fortunate to have made it this far, even if it ultimately turned into another rejection. But for the next day or so I’m going to pout. Then I will be fine.

uh-oh long-term memory probably kicking

uh-oh

long-term memory
probably kicking in now
better be careful

I was trying to figure out what my earliest memory is. I have some vague images of Jimmy Carter on television – and of Sarah Purcell. I also seem to remember playing with blocks on the unfinished floor of a house my parents were having built. I remember my mother becoming very upset because the old Volare station wagon we had wouldn’t make a left turn without stalling. I remember jumping into the deep end of the pool, and as I hit the water suddenly realizing that my arm floaties were still on the lawn chair about twenty feet away.

All of these memories are from around the same time – when I was about 3 years old.

So what does this mean? It means I have about a month and a half to get my shit straight because the wee one’s 3rd birthday is coming up (!) and he is going to start remembering things. Forever.

If I don’t shape up now he’s going to be telling stories to his future wife (or therapist) about how his mommy sat in a chair, stuffing her face with combos, reading Jonathan Safran Foer novels and pretending (badly) to also play trains with him.

He’s going to remember eating lunch twice in one day because mommy forgot they already ate lunch that day.

He’s going to remember how excruciatingly nasty the kitchen floor is. All. The . Time. (Because I don’t own a bucket and when do I have time to get on my hands and knees and clean a damn kitchen floor?)

He’s going to remember that I once kicked the dog in the ass for eating a newly shmeared bagel that was left unattended (for five seconds) on the kitchen table.

He’s going to remember that I woke up one morning, took one look at him and cried because it seemed like he’d grown 12 inches overnight and was suddenly, spontaneously a little boy and not a baby anymore.

He’s going to remember that I let him eat a grilled cheese sandwich with ketchup on it. For breakfast.

He’s going to remember me hollering, "DON’T CLIMB ON ME WHILE I BLOG!"

But, you know, I guess I don’t really care if he remembers all of that stuff. Just as long as he remembers he’s a great kid. (And that he gets his facts straight when he writes his tell-all memoir.)

Unbelievable you just never know

Unbelievable

you just never know
how crazy people can be
oh, yeah, we’re all nuts

Got a certified letter today from the AKC (the American Kennel Club). Apparently they own copyrights and trademarks and all that stuff for the term "wee one". It’s a breed of some tiny dog and blah blah. So now I have a cease and desist letter. Here’s part of what it says:

Dear Owner of Haikuoftheday.com:

It has come to our attention that you have made repeated unauthorized use of our copyrighted word WEE ONE ("Word"). We have reserved all rights in this Word, first published in 10/18/1974, and have registered copyright therein.

As you neither asked for nor received permission to use the Word nor to make or distribute copies, including electronic copies, of same, we believe you have willfully infringed upon our rights under 17 U.S.C. Section 101 et seq. and could be liable for statutory damages as high as $150,000 as set forth in Section 504(c)(2) therein.

We demand that you immediately cease the use and distribution of all infringing works derived from the Word, and all copies, including electronic copies, of same, that you deliver to the American Kennel Club, if applicable, all unused, undistributed copies of same, or destroy such copies immediately and that you desist from this or any other infringement of our rights in the future.

If we have not received an affirmative response from you by 04/15/05 indicating that you have fully complied with these requirements, we shall take further action against you.

Very truly yours,
T.  Rick Lirpa
Head Counsel
A.K.C.

Can you believe that? What craziness is this?