A dog’s cry for help
after four doses of pills
motives are unclear

Howdy folks.  Adam here, getting a late start to the guest blogging.  Just to maintain continuity with my estimable sister-in-law, I’d like to talk about Kari’s dog.  See, I’m taking care of Kari’s dog whilst she and the family are on vacation.  And he’s a great dog, very sweet, friendly (or at least he’d like to be.  My dogs tend to crowd him out if he tries to get too close).  But he has this thing–at about 9:00 or so, he starts whining, and I don’t know why.  He has ear issues, so at first I thought it was that.  But Kari helpfully supplied me with exactly four (!) different medicines for his ears, and I’ve judiciously, and at some personal risk, applied them all.  And when the dog whines, he doesn’t fuss with his ears or anything.  And he gives no other sign for what he wants.  My dogs (I have two of my own) tend to make it obvious what they want (really, the only thing they ever want is to be let outside so they can dig under the fence and make merry around the neighborhood).  But Kari’s dog is a mystery.  He just sort of sits there and whines.  It’s kind of funny, because my wife and my two dogs all just sort of stare at him and he stares back at us and there’s just this big communication void between us and the dog.  After a few minutes, he just stops.  And he seems happy enough, at least when I’m not giving him four different kinds of medicine.  He goes outside with me and chases a ball around and even plays a little bit with my dogs.  So I don’t know what’s up with the Mystery of the Whining.  I guess he could miss Kari.  So Kari, if you’re reading this, know that your dog misses you between 9:00 and 9:15 or so every night.

quick question

all day riding planes
not as bad as you might think
so what is the jinx?

Technically, I’m on vacation and I was going to not post for a few days, but I just had to pose this question:

Why is it that the 28-minute flight to Houston is on a brand-new 757 jet with video monitors and perfect cabin pressure, but the much, much longer flight to Atlanta takes place on a weeny 737, smells like a toilet and makes your ears implode?

To Infinity… and Beyond!

party detritus
still litters the living room
hazardous walking

In the spirit of the wee one beginning to truly believe that he is Buzz Lightyear, his birthday party on Saturday was Buzz all the way. Buzz plates. Buzz napkins, Buzz hats, Buzz blowy things, Buzz stickers, Buzz pinata, the list goes on and on.

The party was two parts insanity, three parts fun – and with only four kiddos total, it was still exhausting. But it went off without a hitch, pretty much. With a handful of kiddos three and under, there really is no such thing as a "hitch," though. As long as everyone survives the hour and half without major bodily damage or emotional trauma, the mama gets congratulated for the best birthday party ever. Yay!

Of course, Saturday was the first day of the season to hit 100, so we were all out in the backyard absolutely melting. But the kids didn’t seem to mind. They had an obstacle course, army men to dig out of the sandbox, and a pinata to abuse. Plus the requisite cake and presents. This year I hand crafted a rather amateur-looking spaceship birthday cake. But it didn’t look too bad and the wee one loved it.

Possibly the best part of the whole shindig was the pinata. We bought the kiddie kind, where instead of beating on each other with sticks, the kids can just pull strings at the bottom of the pinata. After a few strings are pulled a trap door opens and all the candy falls out. Simple enough. I was especially proud of the goodies- nerds, lollipops, glow-in-the-dark jelly bracelets, bouncy balls, etc. Cool stuff.

Anyway, I was trying to line the kids up so they could take turns grabbing at the strings, when one young gent comes barreling out from the house onto the porch. He shoved his way to the front and grabbed every single string in one handful. BAM. All the candy was out. In about 2 1/2 seconds flat. The kid’s mom was mortified, but none of the other kiddos cared at all. They were just happy to wade through the candy and fight over bouncy balls. ha!

After a round of serious present unwrapping, everyone dispersed and we were left up to our ears with Star Wars toys and Buzz Lightyear paraphernalia. Not a bad day at all.

Of course earlier that morning, I tripped on the cord of my new ibook and took a header onto the kitchen floor. Actually, it was more of a knee-er. You should see the bruises. Very impressive. I am, in fact, on my way to the doctor this morning to see how come when my right knee turns, this wonderful grinding thing happens as my leg fills with stabby pain.

Sigh.

The amazing thing is that during most of the party I felt no pain. I guess there’s no pain reliever better than the adrenaline you get while herding three-year-olds.

Happily, the party was a success. Even more happily I don’t think my knee is that badly damaged. I’m just getting it checked out to be on the safe side. Why be anal like that? Well, we’re leaving for vacation tomorrow! To the beach! And if I’m gonna have a busted leg I don’t want to spent one second of beach time at an emergency room. Gonna get that shit fixed now.

While I’m gone, Adam, The (not unfrozen, not caveman) Lawyer Brother-in-Law, will be guest-blogging. And whenever I find a wireless coffeshop I’ll pop in and say hello.

So be nice to Adam. And have a swellegant week.

dirty

experimenting
well, not really, just shopping
busted anyway

Did you know that Amazon sells vibrators? They do! I had quite a grand time the other day looking through the gazillions of options for sale. There’s all kinds of dirty stuff on there.

One thing I didn’t think of, though, was to log off before I did my dirty search. Normally this wouldn’t have been a big deal. No one uses this computer but me, and if my husband decided to do an Amazon search, well, he’s not going to be upset to see full body chocolate sauce as an Recently Viewed Item.

Anyway, after the dirty search, I totally forgot about it. Until my in-laws arrived. And my father-in-law was talking about finding a movie for the wee one. And doing a really quick search online for it.

Knowing he’d probably go to Amazon first, I choked on my pretzels. Then I tried – as inconspicuously as possible – to race him to my computer. Heart pounding, face burning, I  quickly brought up Amazon and freaked. My Recently Viewed Items were a hot sheet for everything forbidden by the Pope. And good Lord above – the Page You Made! With everything from the Black Beauty to something called Angel Kisses (!), to assorted flavored oils and whatnot. There wasn’t a respectable Black & Decker "hand massage" anywhere to be seen.

Frantically, I began clicking on non-objectionable things so that my Recently Viewed Items would become much, much more chaste. That was quick and easy. But the Page I made. That was a lot harder (ahem). I opted for Disney movies to erase my depravity. Soon, Black Beauty erased, well, Black Beauty. Pinocchio made an appearance, as did Dumbo and the Little Mermaid.

Feeling much better better about sharing my computer, I had the brief thought that I could have just logged myself out of Amazon and let my father-in-law search from a non-marred version of the site. But I don’t think of reasonable ideas very quickly. I tend to take the more difficult path.

Anyway, just as I was ready to relinquish my computer, I clicked one last time on The Page You Made and much to my delight I saw a list of g-rated Disney movies.

With K-Y Warming Liquid right in the middle of them.

In my desire to look less like a horny housewife I became a Disney-watching pervert.

Excellent.

I just left it there. I figured it would make good dinner conversation.

My father-in-law went to BestBuy.com anyway.

Star Wars!

embrace inner nerd
time to go stand in long line
where’s wookie costume?

If I was a really hip, cool, fresh person I’d be all, "Star Wars? Bah. That shit hit it’s peak twenty years ago. I’m going to go see Kung Fu Hustle and laugh my ass off at the subtitles."

But I’m not really a hip, cool, fresh person (wait, who am I kidding? Of course I am!). I heart Star Wars a lot, even with Hayden Christensen and a totally digital Yoda. So I’m gonna go right now and stand in line for the 7pm showing of Star Wars!

Well, I’m not gonna go stand in line right now, but I will in a few hours. And it will be fun. And a little nerdy. But I’m not going to dress in costume. I draw the line at movie line costumes.

weird day

All day long I’ve had this feeling like I’m forgetting something. As soon as I start a task I get the heebie-jeebies that I should be doing something else. It’s irritating and I’ve never had a feeling like this last all day long before.

WHAT IS IT? WHAT AM I NOT DOING?

It’s making me a little crazy.

Strike that. It’s making me a lot crazy. I feel like I have a mystery project – something that needed to be turned in today that just totally slipped my mind.

It’s probably the book. Not the haiku book, the other book. The novel. I just got two editorial letters from fancy-pants editors at fancy-pants publishing houses. Both of the editors "love" the book, but not enough to start the acquisitions process. The letters are really fantastic – lots of praise scattered among suggestions and questions. And now it’s almost too much. I know I need to start editing so I can get the book back to these editors. I can actually envision the rewrite – at least somewhat… but I’m paralyzed. I don’t know if it’s immobility due to excitement or fear or what, but I can’t even open up the book on my computer. I just read the letters over and over, making small notes and intermittently panicking. Then I put the letters down and just stare at them. Then I pick them up and make more notes. Etc.

Can it be that I’m scared shitless?

No.

Maybe.

No.

Maybe.

I seriously need to get off my ass, though.

Allergy Dog!

who would have thunk it
ass licking has an excuse
my poor bubble dog

For years now, poor Newman dog has gotten these grody, stinky, chunky ear infections. Diligent ear cleaning, a couple of weeks of prednisone and some horrifically expensive antibiotics usually get them mostly better but never always better.

So now the vet says it’s allergies causing the ear funk. This is something we’ve suspected over the years, but never really confirmed. The vet says it’s probably a full body itch that manifests in the ears (hence the ear gunk and ass licking).

We don’t know what he’s allergic to, though. Probably a combo of his food and pollen or something like that. A few months ago we switched him to vegetarian food (which he utterly despises) hoping that would help, but it really hasn’t. The vet says we need to try the $70  prescription Kangaroo and Oatmeal dog food.

!

But we’re going to try it. Poor Newman. I hope it helps him. The only other option seems to be having surgery to basically clean out his ears and then sew them shut.

!!!

So we’ll try hacked up kangaroo. Cause I don’t want to sew Newman’s ears shut. Poor baby.

trying out cute

going all girly
forgoing an Ellen suit
wearing real live dress!

Next week the fam and I are going on vacation! Hooray! While we’re on said vacation we are going to a wedding. A beach wedding. Hooray again!

This beach wedding has given me a fantastic excuse to do many things I’ve been wanting to do for a while, namely buying sunless tanner and finding a darling sleeveless, strapless dress.

I’m still on the hunt for the tanner, because every time I’m about to buy some I wimp out a little bit, fearing the Tara Reid Orange. But I’m going to do it. Ain’t no farmer tan ruining my cute new ditty.

Speaking of the ditty, it’s white – with the textured pattern reminiscent of a tennis skirt. And it has a skinny, skinny, green gingham belt. And a green gingham flower pinned to the right side of the bodice. And it reminds me of a Back to the Future prom dress, only without the petticoat and without Biff’s arm up under it.

A good fake tan (not orange), better posture, and a good push-up bra will turn this dress into the things legends are made of.

I have a week to work on it.

eyeballs

seeing in the dark
hell, seeing in the day time
quite a temptation

Some people do a really good job of saving their money. They have IRAs and 401ks and saving accounts with more than $25 in them, etc. A person like this… this is what I aspire to be.

But wouldn’t it be nice to be able to SEE those statements of my voluminous savings? Wouldn’t it be awesome to be able to read the street signs on my drive to the bank to open up a new savings account?

What’s my point here?

Well, in order to maximize my ability to be more productive; to be able to make more money and thus save more money… well, maybe I need to make a different kind of investment in my future.

Maybe I can take some of the money from my book advance (it is still SO WEIRD to say that) and sink it into my eyeballs. Lasers could shave off the bumps and hills and smooth everything down to the coveted 20/20 I haven’t had since I was like 9 years old.

Can you imagine waking up in the middle of the night and actually SEEING the digital clock? Or taking a shower and being able to see your legs as you shave them? What about street signs and computer screens and  – get this – being able to see while you’re swimming?

Peripheral vision would be really nice to have. And it would be lovely to say good-bye to the little divots on my nose from the nose pieces of my glasses.

Yet… yet… glasses are such a part of who I am. I tried to wear contacts, and did for a while, but they stung my eyes and made me forget to blink and I liked the way my glasses looked, anyway. But being able to hide behind cute glasses and being able to actually, physically see all the time.. well, those are two very different things. Duh.

And, of course, instead of spending that advance money I could save it. I mean, I already got the ibook, why go crazy and blow all the money? I hear all the time that "saving" money is "good" for your "future" so maybe I should give that a shot. My IRA has taken a beating lately, though, so maybe I should get a CD or add to my regular old savings account or get a better damn mutual fund.

See, it’s not that I don’t have any savings, it’s that my savings are not impressive. It’s hard to make your savings impressive when you quit the job that allows you to have a 401k. Quitting your job also puts a hurt on adding to your IRA. And your savings, and well, to your checking, too. Not that I miss my job. I don’t. At all. It’s not possible for me to explain how happy I am being able to stay at home with the wee one. And that’s another reason to save this money. For him. His future.

And we’re not talking a million dollars here (or even a hundredth of a million), but still, any little bit helps when it comes to saving.

Then again, unaided site would be a miracle. An affordable miracle.

I should shut up now. I’m annoying even myself.