smush

bye-bye you spider
we’ll see ya round the s-bend
next time, who scares who?

I got a tongue lashing from the wee one today. I smushed a big ol’ scary striped spider and the wee one looked up at me horrified as I flushed him (the spider, not the wee one) down the toilet.

"DON’T MOMMY!! DON’T SMUSH HIM OR FLUSH HIM!"
"Oh. Sorry, wee one, he’s already smushed and flushed."
"But will he still get to see his spider mommy and spider daddy? Did you smush his eyes, too!?"

This, my friends, is where I actually choked up and said something like, "I’m sure his mommy and daddy are waiting for him in the potty."

Damn. No more squishing spiders for me.

poop!

saying "love" and "poop"
in same sentence can only
be uttered by mom

We have poop! In a potty! And it doesn’t belong to me! The wee one seems to be getting the hang of potty training and let me tell you – he has been rewarded greatly. Immediately after the celebrated plop we headed to Target so he could get his "special poop treat."

What does a proud as all get out three-year-old boy choose as his prize?

A Prince Charming and Cinderella value pack of Disney Barbies and underpants that look just like his daddy’s (I guess 3 is too old for Spongebob undies?).

So now he’s the happiest kid around, with one naked Barbie and one fully-dressed Prince Charming.

And I’m a happy mama. Huzzah for poop.

the big stink

accosting nostrils
fragrant plumes waft through the air
can that be fruit loops?

Yesterday I was standing in my driveway, hauling groceries out of the car, when I was accosted by a cloud of stink. I whipped my head to the right and left but I saw no one. The thing is, though, the waft of stink was definitely of the perfume variety. And not the fresh, "would you like to try a sample?" variety, but the "I’ve been wearing this all day and the chemical structure has been altered and now I smell like your elementary school librarian" variety. But there was no one. That means whomever was responsible for the smell was wearing such an excessive amount of fragrance that she left this massive stinky cloud in her wake. Either that or the atmosphere is so polluted that it is now creating air-freshener smelling invisible fog.

My long-winded point here is that a whole lot of stuff stinks. And the thing is, it stinks because it’s trying to cover up another stink. Perfume, deodorant, air freshener, spray for your sofa, floor cleaner, those things that spritz public bathrooms ever 3 minutes, etc. Granted, sometimes the stink cover-upper helps, but most of the time it just makes the stink ten-times worse (artificially scented cedar chips that cover up vomit, anyone?).

I’m guessing this obsession with stinkifying natural stink is an American thing. I know that other countries don’t worry so much about deodorant, but I’m not sure about other countries smell hiding measures. Sometimes I would really, honestly prefer to smell a person’s sweat than to be choked to death by $4.99 cologne.

Of course, to completely contradict myself, I really hate going to Costco lately. It smells only of armpits and angry people. It makes me nauseous. Maybe if it smelled of armpits and relaxed people who were all on vacation it wouldn’t be so bad, I don’t know.

Alas, I contradict and ramble on. Just feeling cranky today, I guess. I could keep going but I have to go spray my armpits, febreeze my sofa, and then go buy $17 worth of Snickers bars at Dante’s bulk store level of hell. 😛

thanks

make story-time fun
invite strangers to take part
and then cover eyes

Thanks for playing the make up a story game, everybody. It had a little bit of everything – except for maybe romance and aliens. But we can fix that with another story one day…

play along… add to the story in the comments section…

once upon a time there was a girl named Molly. She had really big teeth. The kind of teeth that are so big you kind of want to offer her a toilet paper roll to chew on. Molly was the kind of kid who really liked other kids. She would sidle up next to them on the bus and launch into her whole life story. The other kids usually stared out the window and ignored her, but this never really bothered Molly. She was just happy to be sitting next to another person. Well, another living thing. Technically, Molly wasn’t a person at all. She was a

one more thing…

the wee one? he slept until nearly 9 this morning. He usually wakes up at 6:20. I have so much extra energy today I could post all afternoon. But I won’t. Because that’s lame isn’t it? Spending all your extra energy blogging when you should be washing clothes? No wait. THAT’S pretty lame, too. Maybe I’ll make some brownies. Chocolate isn’t lame.

dream

crazy screwed up shit
what makes one’s mind do this?
bedtime Combos snack?

I dreamed of a shower curtain. Not an ordinary shower curtain; a shower curtain covered with different sized brown spots. They were liver spots. Why? To camouflage old people, of course. The shower curtain even had little turquoise spots on it (you know how some of those liver spots are kind of blue every now and then…).

What kind of a fucked up dream is that? And even more importantly, will QVC sell such a shower curtain? Maybe I would feel better if I could profit from my obviously disturbed mind.