I thought those segways
were supposed to solve this shit
where’s my damn prius?

Here’s a transcript of the conversation I had with my budget this morning:

"Hey Budget, how’s it hangin’?"

"Everyzing eez fine." (I don’t know why my budget has a French accent.)

"I have a question for you…"

"Hurry up wiz it. I haff to reconcile your reckless purchase."

"Um, right. Well, I was wondering if it would be OK for me to spend a little more than $80 a week for gas?"

(Budget spits out his french decaf) "WHAT?! Zis iz not in me! I haff no wiggle room for zis!"

"I know, and I’m really sorry, but what can I do? My hubby has to go to work. I have to get out and buy groceries…"

"Grozeriez?! You will not be eating grozeriez if you spend the $80 a week for petrol!"

"Seriously. Is there anything you can do? Any way to manage at all?"

"Say gootbye to Netflix, sweethart. Bye-Bye Netflixy. Bye-Bye to zee name-brand lunch meats. Bye-Bye to zee soft TP. Bye-Bye to keeping zee house at zeventy-eight degrees during zee day. Zen maybe you are haff-way zere."

*sigh* "You’re a pain in the ass, Budget."

"At least you ztill haff your ass to have pains in."

"Excellent point, Budget."

"Mmm-hmm. Now go away. I haff a lot of work to do."

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