the emmy’s will suck
let’s see if I can suck more
wait. that’s not— uh. gross

OK. I’m going to try and liveblog the emmy’s. Not that anyone is going to be reading this, or that anyone cares about the emmy’s anymore, but whatever. This is a liveblogging experiment. When I get bored I’ll stop.

7:31 – OK. I’m late to the liveblogging, but just to quickly recap: SUCKFEST. WTF Shatner just won Best Supporting ACtor in a Drama. Brad Garret won for Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy, and I just threw up in my mouth a little. Hugh Jackman won for the Tony’s and he thanked his wife and some gay dude sitting by his wife. Is Hugh Jackman really hetero? Really? He had on his wolverine lambchops. not that that means anything sexuality wise. Whew the TiVo is done with the Simpsons so I have some back up now.

7:34 – oops I have it on HSN. Why is this more entertaining?

7:35 – ooh Blue Man Group.

7:36 – Uchenna and Joyce. aw. they were so awesome. They never fought at all. Yay Amazing Race for winning the Emmy for Reality Show.

7:37 – who’s that blond chick in the audience? hase she time travelled from 1973?

7:39 – Keifer BABYSAT gwyneth? Crazy.

7:40 – I guess I need to see Huff now. Yay Blythe. Yes. The whole Iraq thing… it sucks.

LIVEBLOGGING NOTE: Please ignore all pathetic misspellings. Gracias.

7:43 – holy shit, ellen’s with dick cheney. no wait. just a producer. is halliburton producing the emmy’s?

7:45 – I have officially seen none of these tv movies

7:47 – look how pretty Jane Alexander’s hair is. My hair will be that white in about 5 years. Then I won’t get carded anymore. Huzzah. Uh, sort of.

7:49 – seriously. do the stars get paid extra to humilate themselves singing? AT least an extra coupla hundred just for the legwarmers? At least whtsherface’s eyeball is still in its socket. unlike when she was on deadwood. and got kilt. in a very scary way. ee.

7:51 – Mrs. Landingham! She looks like a halloween reeses peanut butter cup!

7:52 – uh. this guy’s name is Bucky Gunts. RIGHT ON.

7:55 – I am so let down by the letterman writers funny nominating video thing. I guess nothing can top a monkey washing a cat. I am, however, NOT let down that the Daily Show won. Jon Stewart is my hollywood boyfriend.


8:00 – wow. has anyone ever thought that if there weren’t ten minutes of commercials after every three minutes of show then maybe the broadcasts WOULDN’T LAST ALL FREAKING NIGHT? Well, one good thing about ten minute commercial breaks is that it solves the conundrum of how to eat my phish food ice cream and liveblog at the same time.

8:02 – if jessica walter doesn’t win, I’ll eat my shoe

8:03 – shit

8:07 – Dave Letterman has said both "gaseous" and "aplumb" in this speech. this is why I love him so. He’s like a funny SAT practice test.

8:18 – Holy Crap. I’ve always hated Raymond. but Peter Boyle is pretty funny.

8:19 – My boyfriend won again!

8:20 – It doesn’t matter where I see here, it always looks like Portia DeRossi’s just gotten out of a convertible.

8:22 – look at macy gray. she’s got on a great dress – and that voice! She’s kicking that CSI guy’s ass with this song.

8:24 – I take it all back, JJ Abrams is my hollywood boyfriend. look at those glasses. Yay winning for best director of a dramatic show or whatever that was.

8:26 – nuts. should I watch House? Is it really that good? Good enough to beat the Wire for writing? Really?

8:31 – my laptop battery has 1 hour and 24 minutes left on it. I can’t believe that isn’t going to be long enough to liveblog this whole show. Anyone want to take bets?

8:32 – is this boring? it is isn’t it. I am just not Wonkette witty, am I? I should have gotten tipsy first, huh? Forget the ice crea, I need booze.

8:33 – I haven’t seen the peter sellers movie, but I bet Geoffry Rush wins

8:34 – I was right! Can I take back the shoe eating thing from before? Damn.

8:36 – ellen pompeo walks like a duck! and her boobs sit at her waist! that’s really a shame. No one should have Waist Boobs unless they’ve had babies (and even then, it still feels like a cosmic practical joke). Has she had babies?

8:41 – when Haiku Mama gets adapted for television and wins an Emmy, I’m going to thank my husband for letting me watch award shows while he washes dishes.

8:46 – the emmy’s go multicultutral! And this funny lady has lost her speech in her boobs! If I had big boobs that would be something I’d do for sure. She’s doing it, though. She’s working through it. She just thanked Cyclops! Who the hell is that?

8:49 – uh-oh, chris – liberal bias!

8:50 – and puppies



8:52 – thank god someone just beat Raymond. but how can this stiff direct something like desperate housewives? I. Am. Honored. To. Direct. Blah. Blah. Twenty one years. Blah. Kari’s asleep.

8:53 – Yahtzee! Arrested Development wins for writing. Mitchell Hurwitz is insulting people and he’s RIGHT. Why don’t people watch this show? It has never nudes! And a banana stand! And Tobias. Tobias alone is worth watching the show. Well, except George Michael is freakin’ hilarious. Those facial expressions. That desire for maeby. His chaste love for Anne (who? Anne, dad, my girlfriend? Oh, AAnne. Have I met her before?)

8:59 – my husband has retreated to another room to watch Collateral. Why cannot he embrace the awards shows? alas.

9:00 – marg is blowing QT. not really. but damn. we get it. you liked working with him. you want him to put you in a movie. now they’re laughing insanely together and seriously, what are their hands doing? good lord. they’re on x (qt and marg – not their hands). Warm Springs wins. Yawn.

9:04 – the star trek theme hasn’t even started and it’s already painful.

9:05 – imsoembarrassedforthismezzosoprano i have to liveblogthrough my shirt

9:05 – well, hell, if I’m liveblogging I should probably vote for the sad sap famous people singers. I gotta go for macy gray. except that for sheer terror factor, maybe I should vote for the mezzo soprano star trek chick. But then Shatner would win. And that’s like terrorists winning. So Macy gets it.

9:09 – ooh. this flightplan movie? it looks awesome. I’m a sucker for these kinds of movies. I saw red eye. and I liked it. so there. rachael mcadams has the best hair. and jodie foster looks better and better as she ages. how does she do that? she’s had babies and she doesn’t have Waist Boobs.

9:12 – is the 4400 on netflix?

9:13 – PBS WINS AN EMMY. Sort of. Too bad this lady has made the miniseries sound like the most boring miniseries ever. Almost as boring as her skirt is shiny.

9:14 – what’s that x cross thing on Alan Alda’s lapel? He’s getting old, huh? i don’t think the two have anything to do with another.

9:16 – OK. Out of the young Dan Rather, the young Tom Brokaw and the young Peter Jennings, who would you do it with? I have to say Peter Jennings. He was quite sexy.

9:20 – a standing o for the broadcasters. no, not THAT kind of o.

9:21 – it’s tacky of me to talk about dirty stuff when these guys are eulogizing peter, isn’t it?

9:22 – oh, it freaks me out to see francis conroy all dressed up like that. where’s that up to the armpits jean skirt?

9:24 – have they shown jennifer garner’s belly yet? or the real question is – is her belly as plump as her lips?

9:28 – you know what I should have done? i should have liveblogged in haiku form! woo. that would be a challenge. maybe I can liveblog the next presidential address with haiku. he kind of talks in haiku form anyway. hurricanes are bad/we want to help you all now/with trailers and stuff

9:30 – if I had a cell phone that could play songs for ring tones, I’d have it play charles in charge.

9:31 – if patty heaton wins I’ll eat my other shoe

9:32 – Felicity saves me from leather poisoning! She’s so adorable. and she thanked the writers second. yay writers! yay sportsnight! yay william h macy! it was the popping pills that won her thing – the story line. not in eal life. i don’t think she pops pills in real life.

9:34 – james spader is weird. he’s like a weird cousin.

9:34 – really?? Patricia Arquette?? I watch the show, because I like the marriage dynamic, but her acting is you know, kind of wooden. her dress is falling off. rein in the boobies. Yes. Iraq is bad. whew.

9:37 – I take everthing back. Ossie Davis is my hollywood boyfriend.

9:38 – I didn’t know Herb Sargent dies. Rest in Peace Happy TV Fun House. Unless someone else writes that.

9:44 – it’s national baby safety month! during all the other months we let them drive cars while sticking their fingers in light sockets and eating peanuts in the shells.


9:47 – Aw. Zach Braff looks so sad. He’s had a good year hasn’t he? I think he won a tony for the Garden State CD. Didn’t he? He should have. That’s a great compilation.

9:48 – James Spader wins Best Actor in a Drama Series. Everyone looks shocked. Two years in a row he’s won an emmy for this. Crazy. he really reminds me of that dude that lived with the Fishers as their intern, played by Rainn Wilson. When they make a TV movie about James Spader, Rainn Wilson can play him.

9:51 – I saw Charles ask that question! Oh little Charles, you’re a smart kid. Smarter, apperently, than the entire group of FEMA authorities.

9:54 – oh, that’s right ellen is hosting the show.
9:54:30 – the green acres song wins. shatner is shattered. we’ve already talked about this, bill. if you win, the terrorists win. except that trump won. is that worse?

9:56 – I love Lost, but Deadwood is a more finely wrought show.

9:58 – JJ, I’m osrry I broke up with you for Ossie. I really do like your show. And I know I just said Deadwood is better. It kind of is. So is the Wire. but Lost is the show of my heart. I want it to be my new x-files.

9:59 – -sigh- you are fucking shitting me that Raymond is a better show than AD. Oh well. Not a better show. Just a show that old fart emmy voters like. I guess. Or something. Hmph.

10:01 – I’m still liveblogging and the show is over

10:02 – today is 9/18. that means the birthday card I’m sending to my friend Amy is going to be late. Sorry Amy!

10:02:30 – this is the crappiest music ever. I guess that means the Emmy Awards show will win an emmy next year, because CRAPPY TRUMPS GOOD. Well, for the most part.

10:03 – I think I have to stop doing this now. I’m pretty sure the laptop has microwaved my uterus.

4 thoughts on “

  1. You know where I stand on award shows. But to recap: I hate the Emmys. I hate the Oscars. I hate the whole Hollywood, stuck-up, pretentious, “my shit don’t stink”, “do you know who I am?”, anti-Bush, left-wing crowd, who gather yearly to tell each other how great they are and to laugh at the most inane, stupid acceptance speeches.
    But I love your live blogging! Very cool. Please do more in the future.


  2. Ah, Chris, haikuoftheday’s token conservative. Didn’t you see? They just showed Daily Show footage making fun of Kerry.
    I know, lame.
    I’m pretty sure Peter Boyle’s shit stinks, though. If that makes you feel better.


  3. You are so darn funny I could just die. I wish I had known you were liveblogging the Ems – maybe I would’ve enjoyed them more instead of flipping the channel to avoid the horror and then going back for more. Thanks for the giggles. My prayers go out to your uterus. -Joy


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