Category 7 Part II!

Back by popluar demand (well, back because I’m a dork and have no life and instead of reading or going to bed early or learning how to knit, I would rather watch terrible TV and make fun of it)!

Again, I’ve missed the beginning, and I don’t know if I’ll make it all the way to the end, but nevertheless, I bring you: Category 7, Part Deux (for Part Un, click here).

8:08 – Hey! They’ve figured out all those kids were nabbed by terrorists. And it looks like the kids have been taken to Steven Soderberg’s version of Mexico. It’s very blown out and yellow-y green and dirty and there are doors that are rusty. Scaaaary.

8:11 – I wonder why crazy people always button their plaid shirts all the way up their necks? Maybe it’s lack of oxygen that makes them crazy. Monty/Krychek is all kinds of buttoned up and crazy here. Maybe if he unbuttoned his shirt he would welcome the end of days and possibly even find a cure for it in a small green vial buried in the cold Russian earth that he could then hold over Mulder’s head FOREVER. Wait.

8:15 – Shannon Doherty has survived the Statue of Liberty’s ARM OF DEATH. And it’s day time now. And she’s back in Randy Quaid’s truck. And there are twisters. And I have not been paying attention or something because time continuity? Confusing me.

8:23 – What a wimp. Picket Fences Iboooprofrin guy doesn’t want to fly into the storm that’s "an explosion wrapped in a minefield". What a friggin puss. It’s not like he doesn’t have tons of ibooooprofrin to ease his likely exploded minefield hurricane/tornado/mesosphere battle scars.

8:26 – There’s a kid named "Lira" just like the money.

8:28 – By the way, Gina Gershon’s hair this time around is not poofy. It’s very long and bang-y. And her boobies are showing more now. Is this supposed to make her vulnerable? It’s definitley better than a buttoned up plaid shirt like CRAZY MONTY who is apparently behind the kidnapping of all the kids and putting them in Steven Soderberg’s prison.

8:30 – Monty’s shirt is unbuttoned! There’s weird VO about hell and lust and temptation! He’s SHOT Swoosie after kissing her! Damn, Monty. I said loosen up, but this is a little extreme.

8:32 – I’m pretty sure the "footage" that "GNN" just showed of the storm hitting DC also showed people seeking shelter underneath moving army trucks. That just doesn’t seem very helpful.

8:38 – Colonol ibooooprofrin is on a suicide mission to "get the data." His motherboard is on fire! And that’s not a metaphor. But he has the data, folks. You can stop holding your breath. And also, Gina Gershon talks on the phone by holding it horizontally in front of her mouth like it’s a harmonica.

8:44 – "Turning off DC’s heat is the key" This TOTALLY sounds like something an ABC football announcer would say.

8:46 – Also, "thermal plume" sounds like something that once shot out of the wee one’s ass when I stuck a thermometer in it..

8:50 – Meanwhile, back in Soderberg’s prison, the Scooby Gang of rich kids has conveniently found a drawer full of palm-sized door-banger thingies. ??? I don’t get it either. But I agree with The Girl Named After Money. With a CATEGORY 7 storm coming, maybe they’re safer in the yellow prison than if they escape. Oh wait, she’s going along with the escape plan. It, of course, doesn’t work. Monty’s gang o’ thugs isn’t that dumb, yo.

8:57 – Monty is shot! By his own gun. But not really on purpose. The girl with Willow hair did it. Up on a catwalk. In the church. (What kind of effed up Clue game does THAT sound like?)

9:00 – If I was in a CATEGORY 7 storm, I would maybe not drive my mini cooper convertible around and look for a shelter. But that’s just me.

9:01 – It’s mayhem at the white house! What’s that, Pat Robertson? The white house is being punished for all it’s sins?

9:07 – If we made a drinking game out of every time someone said, "When these storms collide, it’ll be CATEGORY 7" I would be too drunk to type right now.

9:11 – The Girl Named After Money has used her spidey sense to detect that the air pressure has changed in Soderberg’s prison and that means THERE’S A WAY OUT. Again, ???. I thought she didn’t want to escape. Oh well. It’s lucky her popping ears just showed everybody there’s a hollow wall. I guess.

9:24 – I don’t get why the weather place’s T1 line is up in the heavens of an old theatre. But again, maybe I haven’t been paying close enough attention. I’m bored. Where’s Randy and Shannon?

9:28 – Yawn. Yawn. The scooby gang of rich kids is escaping and they keep stopping to replay the same scene over and over again. Mean Rich Kid: Why can’t I be the leader of the escaping rich kids? Other Rich Kids: Because you’re mean. Mean Rich Kid: [gives surly look]. Seriously. They’ve done this like 4 times. And my dialogue is better.

9:33 – By the way, has a sale on sheets and if you buy this weekend you get free shipping. I just bought some real live actual satin sheets for a mere $30. This sounds like a commercial. It’s not. I’m just updating you on my fascinating life.

9:35 – Those damn shitty suburbans don’t deploy their airbags when they get hit by flying trees! (this is not a commercial either.)

9:37 – I have a CATEGORY 7 zit on my chin right now and when it collides with the CATEGORY 7 zit on my cheek, my face will explode with CATEGORY 14 magnitude. Can I sell that concept to CBS for its next TV movie?

9:39 – I take it all back. It’s a damn shitty volvo with no airbag. (That means it IS a suburban commercial.)

9:42 – I just realized I’m doing this all backwards. I’m supposed to be liveblogging the newest entries at the top of the post not at the bottom. At least that’s how wonkette does it when she’s liveblogging a news conference. What can I say? I’m no wonkette.

9:47 – Is it wrong that the McDonald’s sausage biscuit I just saw on the teevee looked really, really good? No. But it is wrong to admit it I think.

9:49 – Gina Gershon has forsaken all FEMA duties and it now at Soderberg’s prison not very smartly shouting out her kid’s name and showing off her bra straps. She’s found the mean rich kid! Meanwhile, the Not Mean Rich Kid has acquired a gun and shot open a door allowing for the Monty’s gang to be sucked out the open door and into a tornado. Luckily for Not Mean Rich Kid the tornado’s strength of sucking power only reaches mid-room.

9:53 – "The storm’s officially dead, thanks to you Ibooooprofrin" And no thanks to all you other suckers who were manually turning off the power and warning people to get into shelters, etc.

9:55 – Gina says that FEMA mitigates weather. Hmm.

9:56 – Randy and Shannon! He just called her a redneck! ARGH. They’re DOING IT. It’s CATEGORY 7: THE END OF MY EYES.

the end.

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