Category 7 Part II!

Back by popluar demand (well, back because I’m a dork and have no life and instead of reading or going to bed early or learning how to knit, I would rather watch terrible TV and make fun of it)!

Again, I’ve missed the beginning, and I don’t know if I’ll make it all the way to the end, but nevertheless, I bring you: Category 7, Part Deux (for Part Un, click here).

8:08 – Hey! They’ve figured out all those kids were nabbed by terrorists. And it looks like the kids have been taken to Steven Soderberg’s version of Mexico. It’s very blown out and yellow-y green and dirty and there are doors that are rusty. Scaaaary.

8:11 – I wonder why crazy people always button their plaid shirts all the way up their necks? Maybe it’s lack of oxygen that makes them crazy. Monty/Krychek is all kinds of buttoned up and crazy here. Maybe if he unbuttoned his shirt he would welcome the end of days and possibly even find a cure for it in a small green vial buried in the cold Russian earth that he could then hold over Mulder’s head FOREVER. Wait.

8:15 – Shannon Doherty has survived the Statue of Liberty’s ARM OF DEATH. And it’s day time now. And she’s back in Randy Quaid’s truck. And there are twisters. And I have not been paying attention or something because time continuity? Confusing me.

8:23 – What a wimp. Picket Fences Iboooprofrin guy doesn’t want to fly into the storm that’s "an explosion wrapped in a minefield". What a friggin puss. It’s not like he doesn’t have tons of ibooooprofrin to ease his likely exploded minefield hurricane/tornado/mesosphere battle scars.

8:26 – There’s a kid named "Lira" just like the money.

8:28 – By the way, Gina Gershon’s hair this time around is not poofy. It’s very long and bang-y. And her boobies are showing more now. Is this supposed to make her vulnerable? It’s definitley better than a buttoned up plaid shirt like CRAZY MONTY who is apparently behind the kidnapping of all the kids and putting them in Steven Soderberg’s prison.

8:30 – Monty’s shirt is unbuttoned! There’s weird VO about hell and lust and temptation! He’s SHOT Swoosie after kissing her! Damn, Monty. I said loosen up, but this is a little extreme.

8:32 – I’m pretty sure the "footage" that "GNN" just showed of the storm hitting DC also showed people seeking shelter underneath moving army trucks. That just doesn’t seem very helpful.

8:38 – Colonol ibooooprofrin is on a suicide mission to "get the data." His motherboard is on fire! And that’s not a metaphor. But he has the data, folks. You can stop holding your breath. And also, Gina Gershon talks on the phone by holding it horizontally in front of her mouth like it’s a harmonica.

8:44 – "Turning off DC’s heat is the key" This TOTALLY sounds like something an ABC football announcer would say.

8:46 – Also, "thermal plume" sounds like something that once shot out of the wee one’s ass when I stuck a thermometer in it..

8:50 – Meanwhile, back in Soderberg’s prison, the Scooby Gang of rich kids has conveniently found a drawer full of palm-sized door-banger thingies. ??? I don’t get it either. But I agree with The Girl Named After Money. With a CATEGORY 7 storm coming, maybe they’re safer in the yellow prison than if they escape. Oh wait, she’s going along with the escape plan. It, of course, doesn’t work. Monty’s gang o’ thugs isn’t that dumb, yo.

8:57 – Monty is shot! By his own gun. But not really on purpose. The girl with Willow hair did it. Up on a catwalk. In the church. (What kind of effed up Clue game does THAT sound like?)

9:00 – If I was in a CATEGORY 7 storm, I would maybe not drive my mini cooper convertible around and look for a shelter. But that’s just me.

9:01 – It’s mayhem at the white house! What’s that, Pat Robertson? The white house is being punished for all it’s sins?

9:07 – If we made a drinking game out of every time someone said, "When these storms collide, it’ll be CATEGORY 7" I would be too drunk to type right now.

9:11 – The Girl Named After Money has used her spidey sense to detect that the air pressure has changed in Soderberg’s prison and that means THERE’S A WAY OUT. Again, ???. I thought she didn’t want to escape. Oh well. It’s lucky her popping ears just showed everybody there’s a hollow wall. I guess.

9:24 – I don’t get why the weather place’s T1 line is up in the heavens of an old theatre. But again, maybe I haven’t been paying close enough attention. I’m bored. Where’s Randy and Shannon?

9:28 – Yawn. Yawn. The scooby gang of rich kids is escaping and they keep stopping to replay the same scene over and over again. Mean Rich Kid: Why can’t I be the leader of the escaping rich kids? Other Rich Kids: Because you’re mean. Mean Rich Kid: [gives surly look]. Seriously. They’ve done this like 4 times. And my dialogue is better.

9:33 – By the way, Overstock.com has a sale on sheets and if you buy this weekend you get free shipping. I just bought some real live actual satin sheets for a mere $30. This sounds like a commercial. It’s not. I’m just updating you on my fascinating life.

9:35 – Those damn shitty suburbans don’t deploy their airbags when they get hit by flying trees! (this is not a commercial either.)

9:37 – I have a CATEGORY 7 zit on my chin right now and when it collides with the CATEGORY 7 zit on my cheek, my face will explode with CATEGORY 14 magnitude. Can I sell that concept to CBS for its next TV movie?

9:39 – I take it all back. It’s a damn shitty volvo with no airbag. (That means it IS a suburban commercial.)

9:42 – I just realized I’m doing this all backwards. I’m supposed to be liveblogging the newest entries at the top of the post not at the bottom. At least that’s how wonkette does it when she’s liveblogging a news conference. What can I say? I’m no wonkette.

9:47 – Is it wrong that the McDonald’s sausage biscuit I just saw on the teevee looked really, really good? No. But it is wrong to admit it I think.

9:49 – Gina Gershon has forsaken all FEMA duties and it now at Soderberg’s prison not very smartly shouting out her kid’s name and showing off her bra straps. She’s found the mean rich kid! Meanwhile, the Not Mean Rich Kid has acquired a gun and shot open a door allowing for the Monty’s gang to be sucked out the open door and into a tornado. Luckily for Not Mean Rich Kid the tornado’s strength of sucking power only reaches mid-room.

9:53 – "The storm’s officially dead, thanks to you Ibooooprofrin" And no thanks to all you other suckers who were manually turning off the power and warning people to get into shelters, etc.

9:55 – Gina says that FEMA mitigates weather. Hmm.

9:56 – Randy and Shannon! He just called her a redneck! ARGH. They’re DOING IT. It’s CATEGORY 7: THE END OF MY EYES.

the end.

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Just FYI

I am done with poop
whether from my child or dog
no more poop for me

You know what doesn’t help you feel better when you’ve spent all day feeling nauseous? Watching (and then smelling) your dog take a giant crap in the middle of the living room floor (ostensibly to get back at you for making fun of him on your blog) while at the same time reading a book that goes into detail about severed heads and plastic surgeons practicing their art on them.

Wait. That makes it sound like my dog was reading the severed head book while he was crapping. I admit, this would make the story more interesting, but I was the one reading the book. Just to clarify.

Evil Dog

he acts so helpless
really, his brain is planning
how to make me nuts

What my dog is thinking right now:

"Wow! What a great day! I want to go outside and lay down in fire ants and soak up the sun!"

WHINE WHINE WHINE

"That alpha mommy dog sure is nice letting me outside. Ah, this is the life."

3 minutes later

"Huh. It’s kind of hot. I wish I had a drink. Are these fire ants?"

WHINE WHINE WHINE

"Thanks, alpha mommy dog for letting me back inside. Why are you making that face? This is how dogs smell. Damn, lady."

3 minutes later

"Wow! What a great day! I want to go outside and lay down in fire ants and soak up the sun!"

WHINE WHINE WHINE

"That alpha mommy dog sure is nice letting me outside. Why did she give me that dirty look, though? Ah, this is the life."

3 minutes later

"Huh. It’s kind of hot. I wish I had a drink. Are these fire ants?"

WHINE WHINE WHINE

"Thanks, alpha mommy dog for letting me back inside. What is up with with the dirty looks all of a sudden?"

3 minutes later.

"Wow! What a great day! I want to go outside and lay down in fire ants and soak up the sun!"

WHINE WHINE WHINE

"Hey, hey, hey, why is alpha mommy dog trying to strangle me?"

3 minutes later

"Huh. It’s kind of hot. And I wish I had a drink. And are these fire ants?"

WHINE WHINE WHINE

"Uh, alpha mommy dog? I SAID, ‘whine whine whine.’ Hello? I SEE you in there at the table staring at me. WHINE WHINE WHINE. What is your deal lady?"

etc. ad nauseum.

I AM GOING TO GO INSANE AND IT WILL BE THE DAMN DOG’S FAULT.

Category 7!

oh yeah bad TV
how can you resist this mess?
tv movies rock

8:48 – I tried resisting this, but after all the frogs went crazy at a DC function and starting killing people, and then the Pyramids – THE PYRAMIDS – were destroyed, I had to begin the liveblog. I don’t know if I’ll make it through the whole show, but I’ll try to give a plumper, healthier looking, overly permed Shannon Doherty, and a flat-haired, juicy-lipped Gina Gershon, and a most awesome Randy Quaid, and Nicholas Lea from the X-Files (with weird fake facial hair and an affinity for Swoozie Kurtz), and about a brazillian more characters my best shot.

8:57 – Oh, it’s the guy I hate. The guy from Picket Fences and the ibuprofen commercials. What’s his name. I HATE how he says ibooopofrin. It’s like his mustache has paralyzed his upper lip.

8:59 – Gina Gershon has quasimodo’s hump hiding in her hair.

9:00 – Uh-oh – here comes a plague! Flies! Or bees! Or bees that used to be flies!

9:02 – did you know that 30 miles south of detroit means that you need to use a satellite phone? I had no idea Michigan was so rural.

9:04 – I love that there’s a tornado coming and the TV trailer park people are saving their pink flamingos instead of, you know, their kids. And a car just blew by but the trailer park guy’s trucker hat is still sitting squarely on his head.

9:07 – I think that Randy Quaid and Shannon Doherty are the new IT couple for action movies. Can anyone say "Romancing the Stone" remake?

9:14 – I totally don’t get the televangelist angle to this show. I dig Swoozie. And James Brolin has some supreme fake teeth here, but wtf? Are there not already 17,000 characters to keep track of? OK. Wait. Swoozie let the flies loose? So more people will turn to God? Yeah. I don’t get this part.

9:17 – You know the Chicken Little commerical where the animals are playing dodge ball and a bunch of dodgeballs get caught in the spikes of a porcupine? That porcupine is what James Brolin’s hair looks like.

9:29 – Man. I’m having Category 7 The End of the World in my stomach right now.

9:31 – Sooo, James Brolin’s teeth have decided to hold a big Billy Graham special in the middle of a tornado? I still don’t get this sub plot.

9:35 – James Brolin’s teeth! Electrocuted! Now he really DOES look like that porcupine! I could have told him a Billy Graham special in the middle of a category 6 tornado (whatever the hell that is) was a mucho bad idea. Now Swoozie is single and Krychek can pork her. *shiver*

9:40 – Really? Cindy Crawford furniture? Well, maybe. If the sofa is made of moleskin Haha. Yes. I’ll be here all night.

9:46 – Wait. Wait. The head of FEMA has to stay in DC where a category 5 hurricane is about to hit? That doesn’t seem quite right.

9:51 – diagrams! Forget the frongs, we’re being attacked by the mesospehere! This guy draws shitty diagrams.

9:53 – Can you tell I’m losing steam here? Much like a heat island colliding with the mesosphere.

9:56 – The weather dude for my CBS station says we’re having unusually warm weather. OH NO. REAL LIFE MIMICS TV.

9:58 – "Say hi to your storm for me" If only she would have said this in a Biff voice.

10:02 – Kidnapping terrorist bad guys have stolen the main character’s children! Just what we need. More characters! More sub plots!

10:04 – Randy Quaid is spry. Especially since a mere few hours ago he had a neck brace and casts on all four limbs.

10:06 – "If those two storms collide and our heat island collides with the mesosphere…" Well, if that’s not a to be continued line, I don’t know what is.

Stay tuned til next Sunday, folks. Shannon Doherty may have bitten it via the Statue of Liberty’s flying arm. But I doubt it.

Hey you know what? (besides the fact that Typepad still seems to be JACKED?)

not very graceful
with the falling down and stuff

should I take ballet?

Yesterday, I managed to not only fall down a bunch of rocks and almost land in a creek – I also dragged the wee one down with me! Yes, yes, I’ll be accepting my Mother of the Year Award any day now. Yahtzee.

Happily, we have only minor scratches and one major phobia of creeks now. I even got an x-ray for my elbow and everything! (That makes two x-rays in 6 months for me, possibly a record.)

Sigh. I have really got to get some better shoes or something. I am getting way too old to fall down. It fucking hurts. My left butt cheek, my elbows, my right side, my neck… I mean, damn, one splat on the ass and I’m wrecked for a week. The wee one, on the other hand, got a Star Wars band-aid out of it, and he’s good to go. As long as we never, ever, ever try to look at a creek ever, ever again. That’s a direct quote.

My poor kid. All things scary – he loves. Creeks? Scare the shit out of him. Outstanding mothering. Outstanding.