aw, sheet

so luxurious
like sleeping on some crisco
except with static

A few weeks ago I bought some satin sheets. Well, they’re 100% polyester, but they LOOK like satin – all shiny and red and decadent. It took us a while, but we finally washed them and dressed the bed.

The other night we tried them out. Let’s just say my hubby and I were akin to beached whales on a glacier. We were sliding too and fro, with no control whatsoever. Every now and then we would crash into each other and get slightly electrocuted from the static.

In fact, lots of bodily damage has been caused by these sheets. The first night (despite the ice skating effect) went OK. But then I woke up with a seriously scratched ass. Like a little kitten had just gone to town on my booty. Yeah, laugh it up. It hurt. And I still have no idea what happened to my poor ass. Maybe a poltergeist? An errant crumb? Who knows?

Then, last night, once we finally fell sleep, I was woken up by being poked in the eye, yet again. This time, though, my hubby had the presence of mind to partially wake up, blame the sheets, and go back to sleep. I was able to fall back asleep, because I now have a Poked In The Eye Protocol, which only requires me to curse myself back to sleep while I clutch my damaged face. "Stupid effing dumb ass pokey fingers and overstock.com sheets," etc.

Let’s just say, the sheets have not won us over. They look gorgeous – all shiny and deep red, but they’re hurting me and, you know, that’s not very Christmas-like of them.

Stupid pretty shiny sheets.

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