Investing in my nemesis

extra e coli worth it
well, it better be

We’ve started Newman: butt-munching, ear-infected, allergy prone, Benadryl denying, bane of my existence and dog of the year, on a raw diet.

This diet costs approximately a lot. It costs so much "a lot" that when we went to the pet store last night in an effort to either find a voodoo spell to cure the dog, or at least something that works better than his current diet of prescription, specially processed corn meal wrapped in hundred dollar bills, we were embraced into the world of Behind the Counter. (I didn’t even know pet stores had Behind the Counter. This is like where the Dom is kept at the liquor store, or the canary diamond tennis bracelets at the jewelry store.) Swank!

As we were escorted Behind the Counter we were greeted with a sales spiel one might receive when contemplating the purchase of a Jag-oo-ar or maybe a really nice leather couch. There was no pressure, only Facts and Benefits. There were no price tags (other than a small, handwritten price sheet attached to the refrigerator containing the dietary delights). There was Serious Scientific Evidence and Real Life Testimonials.

After doing the math we figured that A) we’re already spending assloads of money on the current prescription food we feed Newman, and this food is not really working to alleviate his allergies or ear infections. B) If the raw diet actually works, we’ll save money in the long run by not having to spend an extra couple of hundred dollars every month or so on taking him to the vet, which never really helps to alleviate the allergies or ear infections. C) It’s cheaper than taking him in for doggie acupuncture, which I kid you not, is next on list of "what the hell, nothing else works, why not try it?" even though it will probably not help alleviate the allergies or ear infections.

So we’re doing the raw diet. He gets one patty of combined chicken and turkey every day. This patty also includes bones and entrails and a variety of fruits and veggies. It’s supposed to mimic what the dog would get if he ate a rabbit and the rabbit’s tummy was full of stuff freshly eaten from your organic backyard garden. Or something like that.

We’re also mixing the patties with some raw kibble so that he will not have immediate and inconvenient bowel explosions all over my rug, as is apparently possible when switching your dog to raw after a whole lifetime of regular dog food.

Want to know the real reason I know this food is so swank? We got the first three weeks of food for free. And buy one get one free coupons for the few weeks after that. See? They wean you into accepting the price. All while your dog is being addicted to the raw crack that is most likely ground up with the meat and entrails.

This better work, dammit. For something that just lays on the couch and licks its butt all day, this is an investment beyond words. This is like sending your hamster to Harvard and expecting real academic results. I feel like I need a reality show to document this.

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