this is a test of the emergency OH CRAP IT’S HAILING video

http://update.videoegg.com/js/Player.js
VE_JSEmbedPlayer_Flash7_8(‘gid328/cid1096’, ‘/gid328/cid1096/CD/PM/1145418118fDYWsY0Tr1mDCUqQlI5X’, ‘Metal’, ”, ‘_auth_=1145422157_4c8f9f2bf73f8d8a99afa7a3ffae4eea%26flashfix.flv’, ‘_auth_=1145422157_abeb3b32ddb0acabef9f2c8758f9f378%26flashfix.flv’, ‘_auth_=1145422157_e9eb2b11696a71957f8cb660245322ea%26flashfix.flv’);

giant balls of ice
sometimes they fall from the sky
and then hurt your car

Check it… the wee one is quite pleased we had "pop rocks" tonight. He doesn’t mean the kind that explode in your mouth. He means the kind that explode car windows. (Our car windows are OK, though. Whew.)
 

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Get me off the crank

a spike in my eye
alan thicke makes me wish this
over and over

I am so cranky it’s become comical. I grumble, I grouse, I accidentally trip on things. My clothes are ill-fitting and my showerhead still sees fit to attack me.

It’s mid-April and it was 104 today. I shan’t need to explain why this made me cranky.

I had to file an extension for my taxes.

My Old Navy doesn’t carry maternity clothes, thus there are no tank tops big enough to fit my gargantuan tummy. Though it is legal to go topless in Austin, it is not legal for me to go topless in the suburb where I live, meaning I must find tank tops that fit my gargantuan body.

I am out of Cheetos.

Easter haiku

secret easter tryst
in dark closet, exploring
stolen bunny cake

easter day madness
non-stop talking, darting eyes
j. beans laced with meth?

pink spiral slices
ignore all Wilbur questions
eat very quickly

very many dyes
very, very many eggs
that no one will eat

helpful note for you:
deformed, trunk-melted bunny
is traumatizing

Dear Skunk-Licker Waterpick Showerhead Designers,

This morning, like most other mornings, I endeavored to clean myself. Usually this is not a life-threatening task. Usually I can just hop in the shower, get clean, and hop out. Usually my shower head doesn’t jump off the wall and hit me on the head FOUR SEPARATE TIMES. Usually I do not have to go medieval on it and bang it repeatedly on my teak shower bench (which, curiously, NEVER leaps from its stationary position to attack me).

But this was not a usual morning.

I’m just wondering which of you j-holes decided to put some kind of secret timer device into my shower head? Why would you make said device wait for me to become 7 months pregnant before unleashing its own personal water-saving jihad against me? What purpose does this serve?

All I ask for is a shower head with a little hose, so that I can CHOOSE when to remove it and use it to wash all of the soap out of my hair. I don’t need the shower head to ANTICIPATE when I might need to remove it from its little holster thing and thus end up getting repeatedly beaten over the head.

This is not an absurd request.

So work on the design, will you? Remove any hidden devices that instruct your shower heads to piss off naked pregnant women. (Have you ever seen a pissed off naked pregnant lady? Godzilla + overinflated basketball – bouncing ability / hormones. It is your worst nightmare.)

Unless you want me to unleash my rage on your own sorry asses, and beat you against my teak shower bench, you better put those engineering degrees to work and make me a non-life-threatening shower head. OK?

OK.

Sincerely,
Kari
Concerned Mother      

Super poo

faster than bullet
able to leap tall buildings
when toilet is near

I was thinking of getting these flashcards postcards to help with potty-training and then I remembered we’re done with potty-training. Maybe someone else out there would like to give them a whirl.

The Wonder Woman one may spark some interesting conversation, but really, when is it too early to have the transgender chat with your kid?

blow joke

here’s your opening
to make (lame) excellent joke
via internets

I just tried to type in http://www.bloglines.com and instead I typed in http://www.blolines.com.

Blo lines.

Are the 80s that distant in everyone’s memory that no one can pay $4.95 for a URL and harness the internets for an extremely lame joke that might or might not include having a header created by a font that is made of lines of fake coke? And this URL could possibly satirize bloglines by allowing people to subscribe to other illegal-drug-based-misspelled URLs like http://www.crackbarrel.com and http://www.harrypot.com?

Wouldn’t that be funny?
Or no?
No it probably wouldn’t be that funny.
Dang.