"you’ll poke your eye out"
takes on whole new meaning with
If you get a bunch of mamas together and at least one of them is currently pregnant, the conversation invariably turns to her appearance. "She’s so tiny to be so far along," they always say, even if you’ve doubled in size and are currently floating at the top of the ceiling like a parade float. Women will then begin to go on and on about how when THEY were pregnant THEY were pregnant in their fingertips and earlobes and eyeballs, etc. It becomes a competition to see who was more grotesque at the end of their pregnancy – the lady with certifiable cankles, or the one who grew a whole extra butt cheek.
I’m here to tell you today that when I am pregnant, I enjoy cankles and a larger booty, but my real trouble is with the ladies on top. I get pregnant in my nipples. Snicker if you must, but it’s true. They’ve gotten me into trouble before, but only when pregnant. They become missile-shaped and always on guard. Even when it’s 95 degrees outside they require your attention. I feel like I should apologize for them when I walk into a room.
"Sorry for the nips, folks… just duck and then move along."
There isn’t anything I can do about them, though, so I’ve decided that instead of being embarrassed about them, I’m going to embrace them. If I go blind, my pregnant nipples will help me feel my way around a room. If I fall down, they will cushion my crash. If there is an intruder in the house, I can leap from behind a wall and poke out his eyes, or at least pin him to the floor, leaving my hands free to call 911.
Having pregnant nipples isn’t a physical feature I would have requested, but I can come to terms. And it also gives me a great one-up story when the topic turns to "Oh you should have seen ME at 32 weeks!" Even so, I still wanted to warn you in case we meet face-to-face anytime soon. You get a three-second free pass to be amazed and then I require eye contact. Don’t worry, they’ll still be there when we’re done talking. They might even start talking themselves one of these days.