1. Forgetting to buy my mom a birthday card? The paparazzi
were swarming all over my Hallmark Gold Crown store and I had to get out of there.
2. Driving through the tollbooth
and throwing my change at the basket, and missing the basket, and
having to get out of my car and pick up the change off the road thus
causing a line of 40 cars to back-up behind me? My throwing arm was
weak from having to repeatedly flip the bird at the paparazzi.
3. Running out of diapers? The damn paparazzi somehow made my baby poop seven times yesterday.
4. Missing my appointment with the eye doctor? The paparazzi forgot to set my alarm clock.
5. Refusing to play Candy Land with my four-year-old? The paparazzi are
hiding behind Princess Frostine’s skirt and they’re going to ambush me.
Only cooking vegetarian burritos for dinner three nights in a row? The
paparazzi ate all of the chicken and then stole my cookbook.
Cursing out the telemarketer even though I know he’s from India and
only doing his job? The paparazzi made me miss my anger management class.
8. Leaving a load of towels in the washing machine for two
days? The paparazzi drugged me and made me sit on my couch watching
TiVo’d Ellen episodes and eating Bold Chex Mix.
9. Replacing the toilet paper with the loose part underneath instead of on top? I was trying to irritate the paparazzi.
10. All that credit card debt? The paparazzi have stolen my identity.