I think I heard it whistle just before it landed

three days and no poop
need bucket and umbrella
on day number four

The wee-er one just went three days without pooping. This may not seem like a big deal, but she’s usually a master pooper (like four times a day). I was somewhat concerned, but we were saving tons of money on diapers.

Then she started making an initially hilarious noise – a combo growl/grunt – that signified her growing distress. I say "initially" because after 48 hours of that "waaaauuughhhh" noise it was like, "SORRY? WERE YOU ASKING ME A QUESTION? I COULDN’T HEAR YOU OVER THE BABY’S GRUNT-GROWLS." "WAIT. WHAT WAS THAT? THE PHONE? THE ALARM CLOCK? AN EARTHQUAKE? I CAN HEAR NOTHING OVER THE GRUNT-GROWLS."

It was time for action.

I put the wee-er one into her excersaucer – a favorite pooping place – and I whipped up her first batch of solids. I know that seems ass backwards (pun intended?), but she is a child of my own loins and I knew that some banana would do the trick, and right quick, too.

I mashed the banana with a whole bunch of expressed milk, we got the video camera ready, and…. three seconds later the bananas were gone and she was looking at me like, "Why haven’t you given me this stuff sooner, dee-otch?" She gobbled the bananas off the spoon like a seasoned pro. It was quite amazing to watch.

Anyway, a few minutes later the grunt-growls stopped. It was eerily quiet, which is ironic, because when I took a look at my baby it was like a poop bomb had gone off. When I was done cleaning her off I had to change her shirt and pants, MY shirt and pants and the sheets on her bed. I had two towels to wash, the seat to the excersaucer needed to be handled by a haz-mat crew, and my husband’s shirt was pretty much trashed.

Then, for the rest of the day she was so quiet I kept thinking I’d forgotten her somewhere. We’d be in the car and I’d get that Catherine O’Hara Home Alone look and whip my head around to look in the backseat. But there the wee-er one sat, perfectly happy and perfectly quiet. I knew the bananas would work, but I didn’t realize how well they’d work.

It was a happy New Year poop bomb bananapalooza yesterday. We’re all still exhausted. But at least we can hear the TV now. And that’s all that really matters.

4 thoughts on “I think I heard it whistle just before it landed

  1. This cracks me up! My nephew had the same thing happen when we were out of town. Three days with no poop. Then, when we were at the baggage claim at ABIA, my sister noticed an odd smell, so she took him to the bathroom. She was gone forever. When she came back, we learned why. His saved-up poop had exploded from his diaper and FILLED his footed pajama things that he was wearing. It was puddeled down in the feet of his jammies and was stuck all in his toes. Nastay!
    And we used to call the bouncy seat the back-up laxative. EVERY time we’d put our kids in that thing – POOP. Every time.

    Like

  2. Our nicknames for the exersaucer were “The Poopalater,” “The Poopasaucer,” and “The Exer-pooper.” It was a guaranteed way to get poop out of a baby. I think it was being upright and getting some help from gravity that did it.
    I just love a good poop story.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s