puff of tuna foam
atop sweet pickle glazed bread
powdered garlic spritz

I’m standing in the kitchen mixing up some tuna for my lunch – tuna, mayo, sweet relish, a dash of celery seed, a dash of garlic powder, a dash of dried mustard – and as I pile it onto my bread I wonder what the Top Chef contestants eat for lunch on a regular basis.

You’d think it would be something frou frou, but I bet they eat Cheetos and ham sandwiches just like everyone else. (Though they surely pretend otherwise.)

I would very much enjoy seeing someone, camera rolling, sneak into a closet and catch Hung wiping Cheeto dust across his shirt as he reaches for a half-finished cherry Slurpee. BUSTED, ASSHOLE.

Though I bet in reality, he’d be busted eating Cheeto glazed cherry foam sprinkled throughout a PB&J lobster parfait.