Much like Mothra, she is bent on my destruction

13-month-old girl
she loves: shoes and causing pain
my cute dictator

We’re at the point now with the wee-er one where she doesn’t really know her own strength. She’ll attempt to pet the puppy and I can see his eyes bug out of his head in slow motion as she grabs tufts of fur, folds of skin, and internal organs while she gives him "sweet pats."

And now, when she nurses she wants to pull my hair, so I reach around and tuck
my hair behind my neck. This does not fool her. But instead of hunting around for my hair, she grabs whatever is available, namely the skin under my
chin. Up until a few days ago, I was proud of my slender, not-quite-old-lady neck. But now, her talon-like baby fingernails have created a waddle out of sheer force. A red-streaked, scratched and mottled waddle. One of these days I’m afraid she’s just going to rip out my throat and that will be unpleasant for everyone.

She’s also mastered the evil laugh-cry of a mustachioed villain. It’s a kind of "waaaaah ha ha ha wahhh" that, when coupled with a staggering drunk walk is a sure sign it’s bed time. Or nap time. Or lunch time. Or time to call the doctor because my child is an evil dictator as portrayed by 1930s cartoons.

I can hardly stand how adorable she is as she hones her destructive machinations, though, so all is forgiven. Plus, I’ve realized that she’s at a point in her cognitive abilities where she mimics a lot of what she sees – she plays with her hair as I lacquer my head with gel, she hands me a diaper when I sit on the toilet, she looks at a book upside down and babbles sing-song nonsense in the exact same intonations I have when I read to her.

So I’m thinking maybe I’m really the mustachioed villain. Perhaps I try to rip out people’s throats and I don’t realize it. Maybe I laugh-cry and stagger around. It’s very possible.
Sometimes PMS hits hard and fast.

I never try to fondle the dog’s internal organs, though. I do have some boundaries.

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