today it begins
such a momentous morning
in such subtle ways
The morning started off like they all do, just earlier. We ate oatmeal, chatted about the day to come, got dressed and ran out the door. There was some picture taking, and we happily didn’t have to search for clean underwear and socks, but otherwise, it was just a morning like all the rest.
Except that it wasn’t.
And now I’m home and I did not expect to stand in my living room not knowing what to do. The wee one is at school. I met with some friends for breakfast, came home, put the wee-er one down for a nap, and now… what?
My husband is off today so maybe we’ll go shopping. The sitter whom I thought was coming is, in fact, not, so we won’t be going to a movie. That’s OK, though. I don’t know that I could sit still for a movie today.
I feel… weird. Exhausted, excited, muddled. If you’ve read The Golden Compass, I feel like my daemon has been pulled away from me; the creature who shows the world my emotions, who’s so tightly woven into my soul that my heart aches when we’re not together – he’s not here. And I don’t know what to do with myself.
The wee-er one will keep me busy, sure enough. And I have plenty of writing to get done. Over the weeks, we’ll go to storytimes and maybe catch a music class or something. Find a new sitter. Get into a routine. But it still feels weird.
I always thought I’d immediately get down to work as soon as the wee one was in school, not pace the living room. But there you go. I guess I’m kind of bogged down with opportunity as weird as that sounds. The wee-er one and I can do anything. Go to the park, watch a show, write a story, read a book. No one is commandeering our afternoon. And yet, it’s so quiet. I haven’t had to answer a question in three and half hours.
I don’t know what to do with myself.
Maybe I should grab the vacuum and put this pacing to work.