a new word!

shissues /shih-shoos/ noun

1. The new name for Kleenex after your 5-year-old tries to use them in lieu of toilet paper. ex: I was going to blow my nose until I realized the box on the sink was actually full of shissues, and thus needed biohazard tape and an alarm system.

2.  A dog’s mental block, causing him to only shit on carpet or grass that is cut so low it might as well be carpet. Also, the mental block must include the fact that to shit on the grass requires the dog being leashed, as he will not shit in the backyard, no matter how short the grass is. ex: My dog’s shissues really keep the backyard looking nice. The carpet on the other hand….

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The Emmy’s!

liveblog in haiku
could rattled brain handle that
oh, probably not

I was thinking about trying to liveblog in haiku, but then I thought, "Holy shit, it’s going to be hard enough to stay awake to do this. Adding to that actual brain use… well, I don’t know about that."

So it’s about time to start. My ranch flavored chips are right here. My Cinnamon buns ice cream is over there. And my humility and shame are both out the window.

7:00 – And they’re starting off with Family Guy. Not a way to endear yourselves to me, Emmy.

7:03 – Ryan Seacrest is wearing a patent leather tie – or maybe it’s made of licorice. Or maybe it’s made out of all the tiny black hearts of the executives at Fox.

7:07 – And we’re working on a little bit of a delay because the wee-er one keeps turning the TV off and I have to keep pausing the TiVo so as not to miss ONE SECOND of this scintillating Seacrest monologue.

7:09 – WTF was that? you can’t make fun of Frasier on TV? Why the dead air? I guess one of the cameramen’s wee-er ones turned off his mic.

7:12 – Oh, Ray Romano. Your jokes about married sex are so orginal and hilarious. On Opposite Day.

7:13 – Jeremy Piven
your endearing scruffiness
makes you a winner

7:15 – TAKE THAT, SHAT.

7:17 – Terry O’Quinn is married to a beautiful giantess. I wonder if maybe she tossed him over her shoulder and waded through the Pacific to get to the awards show?

7:19 – The baby is upstairs now, so I no longer have to dodge flying binoculars, tiny pinchy fingers and very, very bad behavior (like turning off the TV while mommy tried to liveblog). Man. Kids are so pesky when you’re trying to ignore them.

7:21 – We’re celebrating women actors and their "talents." I wish my "talents" looked like most of theirs. Alas.

7:23 – I used to watch Conchata Ferrell when she was on the first ER, a half-hour comedy with… who? Who was that guy? That’s right, TV fans… George Clooney!

7:25 – Joy is all choked up
the real Joy would kick her ass
and then play quarters

7:27 – I haven’t seen any of these minseries or TV movies but I think Thomas Hayden Church won because he’s channeling Peter O’Toole with his crazy collar and low brow.

7:32 – I wonder if Leo has a salon in Austin. I don’t want straight hair, and yet, the poodledoo doesn’t work either. Also, my hair is turning gray and falling out. Tresemme Leo, where are yoooooouuuuuu?

7:34 – I bet Leo uses Tresemme on Conan’s hair.

7:37 – Hi-jul just cursed on TV! And also she must have just stopped by on her way to her wedding. And her mom has no sense of humor. Well, that was a crappy haiku.

7:44 – Oh those variety show writer montages are so funny. Like waaay funnier than what I’m doing here. Maybe that’s why I’m not a writer for a TV show.

7:49 – Uh-oh. The wee-er one is back. And she’s turned the TV off and run away with the TiVo remote. Now she’s heaved the remote onto the kitchen floor and little black pieces have scattered into the dog food. Shit. I may be liveblogging the wee-er one for the rest of the night instead of the Emmy’s.

7:52 – Wouldn’t it be funny if people talked like Xtina sings? "I wooo-uh-uh-uh-uuuudd lai-ai-ai-aike a cuh-uh-upofcoffeee"

7:56 – sweet Robert Duvall
I’ve loved you since Cole Trickle
but your speech bores me

7:59 – for better or worse, the remote is not broken

8:06 – That quick scene of all those Emmy’s that you see just before they show the nominees – does anyone else think that looks like a scary robot spine?

8:08 – Five magic Chinese girls are the reason why Robert Duvall is back on stage. I don’t understand either, but I’d share a beer with him while he explained it to me.

8:11 – Leslie Caron has always reminded me of a vampire.

8:15 – suck it sopranos
you bullies beat the cylons
shouldn’t be surprised

Well, at least we got to hear the words "Battlestar Galactica" at some point during this broadcast.

8:23 – We may have talked about this before, but for real, Jon Stewart is my TV boyfriend.

8:26 – Also for real? This is the most boring Emmy awards show ever. Except for that part where the dude next to Tony Bennett just thanked Target. I thank Target, too – for siphoning every penny out of my wallet, and for me loving every minute of it.

8:29 – The egg sacs hanging from Marcia Cross’ ears are flapping to and fro as she looks for Judy Davis. If I was in the Starter Wife, I might hide, too. Well, unless I was Gigi Edgely, formerly Chiana on Farscape. Then I’d be all, "Look at me, assholes! I’m a great actress even when I’m not covered in gray make-up!"

8:32 – Maybe this broadcast is so incredibly slow and boring because it’s being brought to us by Cadillac. We all know that, despite what the commercials say, Cadillacs only go 35 mph, with one blinker perpetually flashing, as the car weaves languidly from lane to lane.

8:35 – and speaking of commercials, what does Verizon have against vowels?

8:36 – Yay girls! Boo mermaid dresses!

8:39 – Also boo? Bugs flying up my nose. Stupid gnats in the house.

8:41 – God forbid anyone wanting to netflix the Sopranos without having the entire show spoiled first. Though I guess even if you’ve seen the whole show, this little montage would spoil it for you, too. I can sort of get behind the irony, but I kind of don’t think whoever it was that planned this thought of it as ironic.

8:46 – Holy shit, Audi!
41 grand for a car
guess we’ll just get squished

8:55 – maybe louis black should’ve hosted the show. or maybe he should have his own network.

8:59 – I’d like to see the desks of the writers who win. I’d also like to see them in the clothes they wear when they write. Is that weird?

9:04 – Masi Oka is just so adorable. His geeky aura is hott.

9:06 – but maybe that’s because of global warming.

9:09 – Tony Bennett beats Jon Stewart. Well, at least I get to hear about how intelligent Target is.

9:13 – Oh man, Elaine Stritch is funny. I don’t care if she’s drunk.

9:17 – In The Office versus 30 Rock writing smackdown, The Office takes it. I can’t be too disappointed, though, because this speech is frickin hilarious and subtle and awkward and I love it.

9:28 – tiny wee Kanye
Napolean complex much?
at least you’re not Brit

9:33 – that was a terrible haiku. I’m running out of steam. And, also, my computer smells like armpits and is making a rattling noise. I think it might be catching on fire.

9:37 – private jet sandwich
best first haiku line ever
thanks, mr. colbert

9:40 – Sally Field is on the smack, she is. But her sentences are complete and her cheeks are apple-y, so I can dig her memorized speech.

9:43 – Why do they keep censoring people? Can we figure out what Ray Romano’s Frasier joke and Sally Field’s acceptance speech have in common?

9:51 – so. many. commercials.

9:53 – America Ferrera is pretty great, but where’s the love for my girl crush? And why don’t they ever cut to Tina Fey in the audience? Maybe she’s trapped in an elevator. That’s what would happen to me if I ever made it to the Emmy’s.

9:55 – It’s a tie between Ian McShane and Edward James Olmos for Best Actor in a Dramatic Series! Just kidding. Stupid James Spader just won. Again.

9:59 – Anti-aging foam
not fancy Top Chef dish or
semen metaphor

Maybe that’s why I have wrinkly eyes. I don’t cover my face with Olay foam.

10:02 – HOLY SHIT! 30 Rock wins!

10:04 – I just wet my pants a little bit.

10:08 – I would sell a leg or a kidney to be able to sit quietly and chew my fingernails amongst the 30 Rock writers.

10:10 – sopranos takes it. I should write a haiku about this, but I don’t really care. 30 Rock won! Suck it, gangsters!

10:13 – It’s over, Token Conservative. You can wake up to go to bed now.

10:14 – Thanks to everyone who read this, the longest, least exciting post in the history of liveblogging. Your sadism love for TV is perhaps greater than my own.

Aaaaaaannnnd scene.

Dare I?

threatened a boycott
come on, who am I kidding
nothing will stop me

Even Ryan Seacrest cannot tear me away from what is sure to be the trainwreck of all trainwrecks – this year’s Emmy’s. With no acting nominations for Deadwood, the Wire, or Battlestar Galactica, it’s kind of pointless to even watch. (At least BSG got a directing and writing nom.)

However.

My Tina Fey girl crush requires me to watch, as does my love of Weeds and my love of the character Joy on My Name is Earl. So I’ll watch like I always do, I’ll be disappointed as I always am, and then I’ll promptly forget everyone who won while I wait for the next awards show.

I have a bad habit of liveblogging these things (and other things, and even more other things), so stay tuned. I make no promises, what with the wee-er one being ornery about sleep and this being a school night and all, but I might just make an attempt. I also might just make that attempt while drinking a margarita.

You have been warned.

early to bed, early to rise

alarm clock: suck it
your screeching howls anger me
not a morning gal

I went to bed at 8:45 last night. I haven’t been to bed at 8:45 since the first trimester of my last pregnancy. But I just could not keep my eyes open. This whole, wake up a 6 am, go to bed at 10:30pm, wake up again at 1, then 2:30, then 3:30, then 5 and then 6, is not working for me.

1) Molars suck
2) stuffy noses suck
3) sudden extreme, screaming "babybabybabybaby!" attachments to baby dolls the same size as the actual baby are not very cool, either. Especially when the baby doll has to be sandwiched between mama and baby while nursing at all hours of the day. Mama’s nips only stretch so far.

I’m not the only tired one, though. The wee one is finally starting to understand that school is everyday and that this requires waking up "while it’s still night time" everyday.

Yesterday, at the kitchen table, eyes squinted against the harsh light, shirt buttoned crooked, hair sticking up in bedhead horns, he began protesting the fact that his bagel didn’t have very many raisins in it. His protest sounded something like this:

[say out of your nose, multiply your normal pitch about six times higher than normal] "Buh whuh bagel noooo mommy! Raaayyyy! Unh, guh, buhbuhbuh!" It was simultaneously ef. fing. hilarious and also disturbing that he could be so tired his little nervous system wouldn’t allow his mouth and his brain to work as a team.

But, dude. As I told him, "I know, man. I know."

And HE gets like 10 and half hours of sleep!

Though, as a natural night person, I think I could go to bed at 4pm and if I had to wake up at 6am I’d still need a nap at some point in the the day. If I could swing staying up until 2 or 3 am and sleeping until 11, that would be pure bliss. Of course, just sleeping a consecutive 8 hours at any point of any day would be pure bliss at this point, so I shouldn’t try to get greedy.

OK. The wee-er one is down for her nap. Can mama catch a couple of zzzs as well?

Let’s find out!

nononononononono

the heebie jeebies
while quite fun to say outloud
not much to have

maggots! maggots! on the trashcan outside! maggots!

gross
gross
gross
gross
gross
gross

I have nowhere to throw away poopy diapers now, because while I may clean up poop and puke and snot and chewed up snails, squished scorpions, etc, I WILL NEVER touch anything with maggots on it. Never ever ever never ever. So there are poppy diapers on the porch. And they will stay there until someone braver than me takes care of our wiggly, horrifying problem.

That noise you hear? What I like to call the ShiverGag.