sometimes nature sucks
give me time to catch my breath
and then we can talk
Dear Mother Nature,
Excuse me, but WTF?
I’ve had the baby pangs something fierce lately. For this, I squarely blame you. You have infiltrated my psyche and caused me, for about two weeks, to dream every single night that I am out-to-here pregnant. I wake up and feel simultaneously disappointed and relieved. This is too much for my aging brain to handle so early in the morning, Mother Nature. You of all sentient/godly beings should know that.
I also don’t appreciate the fact that you’ve ratcheted things up a notch lately. Like how, for the past few days, I’ve had this feeling. This obsessive, pretending-to-be-intuitive feeling that I should get pregnant RIGHT NOW. As if the world depended on it. WTF is that, Nature? Why are you doing this to me? I have a sixteen month old who still doesn’t sleep through the night. By 5 in the afternoon I often want to crawl in the bathroom and cry myself to sleep. YOU KNOW THIS, NATURE. So, why? What is your deal?
Wait. Before you go off to create a tsunami or a tiny little flower or something, I have one more thing to talk to you about. Can we talk about today for a moment? Today I’ve really enjoyed how you’ve made me have to pee about 49,000 times. You have either seen to it that I have a(n?) hysterical pregnancy or a bladder infection.
YOU BLOW, NATURE.
I want to kick you in your ear.