pardon me for this

WHY WON’T THE WEE-ER ONE SLEEP?

NO NIGHT TIME SLEEPING!

NO NAPPING!

I’M GOING CRAAAAAAAZZZZYYYYYYYYYYY!!!

I’ve taken to just puttering around the house in a mindless, exhausted funk, muttering obscenities under my breath while the wee-er screams and refuses to sleep.

[background noise] AHHHHHH! WAAAHHHHH! Shoes! Water! Baby! Shoes! AHHHHHH! WAAAHHH!
[me, in kitchen, talking to myself under my breath, like Gollum] Tea. Tea is what I need. 
[in quieter voice] Fucking tea cup, why are you so high up in the cabinet?
[regular muttering] Tea bag. Find tea bag.
[background noise] AHHHHHH! WAAAHHHHH! Shoes! Water! Baby! Shoes! AHHHHHH! WAAAHHH!
[in quieter voice] Cocksucker floor mat always tripping me.
[regular voice] How can we be out of honey? I just bought honey. Oh, here it is.
[in quieter voice] Stupid asshole honey making my fingers sticky.
[background noise] AHHHHHH! WAAAHHHHH! Shoes! Water! Baby! Shoes! AHHHHHH! WAAAHHH!
[regular voice] A clean spoon. Must stir tea.
[in quieter voice] Fucking dirty dishes.
[regular voice] Maybe some chocolate would be nice.
[background noise] AHHHHHH! WAAAHHHHH! Shoes! Water! Baby! Shoes! AHHHHHH! WAAAHHH!
[in quieter voice] Goddamned asshole wrappers so hard to open. So fucking noisy.
[regular voice] What was I doing again?
[background noise] AHHHHHH! WAAAHHHHH! Shoes! Water! Baby! Shoes! AHHHHHH! WAAAHHH!
[in quieter voice] Fucking cheap chocolate.

etc. and so forth.

Babies kind of suck sometimes.

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2 thoughts on “pardon me for this

  1. Yes, babies do suck sometimes. If I can revert to my high school self for a moment, “They suck donkey dicks.”
    Don’t ask me why we said that in high school. We just did. It was the 80s and we were all high on hairspray fumes.
    Anyway, I agree that babies are not all fun and sunshine.

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  2. I can’t remember how old he is, but I’ve read that sleep is often the first thing to go when they’re about to hit a big developmental milestone. Or maybe teething? Hey, a great teething gel you can use as much as you want because it has no actual medicine in it is actually a “stimulating” gel for men called Kama Sutra–you can get it at conrev.com! 🙂

    Like

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