Dear Heartless Grinchy Thieving Bastard(s),

Am trolling craigslist
I will track you down, assholes
you should be ashamed

So, Heartless Grinchy Thieving Bastards, I understand that animatronic light-up yard reindeer and their light up sleigh and their sleigh’s stuffed and jolly inhabitants are pretty ridiculous. I, myself, constantly make fun of them. But just because I make fun of them doesn’t mean I don’t like them. I actually like them a lot. I think they make the yard look festive and funny. And though I can’t find anything ironic about them so that I can passive-aggressively feel superior to my neighbors, that’s OK. Christmas is not about feeling superior to your neighbors. That’s what well-behaved children are for.

Anyway, HGTBs, you guys fucking suck. You suck for stealing our reindeer. You suck for stealing our reindeers’ sleigh. And you suck for stealing the Santa and Elf who were happily residing in the reindeers’ sleigh. You suck for making the wee one have to chew his cheeks as he fought away the tears this morning when he discovered the deer were gone. You especially fucking suck for making me unable to enjoy the extra hour of sleep I get on Sundays. I had to get up early today to fill out a goddamned useless police report, and explain to my kids why there are people in the world who steal CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS.


I hope you’re enjoying them. I hope your kids think you hung the fucking moon for getting them animatronic reindeer for your yard. I hope you’re not trying to sell them on craigslist or eBay. I hope you didn’t steal them to throw at cars off of highway overpasses. I hope you didn’t drown them in the pond across the street. I hope you’re all happily fucking sitting together in your yard, drinking light-up animatronic beers and enjoying a beautiful afternoon.

I also hope I don’t find you. Because if I do, you’re going to find out what it feels like to have a light-up animatronic reindeer, plus his two buddies, plus a sleigh, plus santa and an elf, all having a throwdown in your ass.

You have made the baby Jesus cry, Heartless Grinchy Thieving Bastards. I hope you’re happy.

concerned mom


6 thoughts on “Dear Heartless Grinchy Thieving Bastard(s),

  1. That sucks, I’m sorry! When I was a kid, we’d always go to my grandparents for Christmas. My mom would pack up the car the night before, then we’d leave really early in the morning. One year, when I was about 9, someone broke into the car and stole everything–ALL our Christmas presents, handmade stockings, ALL of it. I don’t understand people who do things like that!


  2. Wow…I can’t believe someone actually did that. They suck. They really, really suck. And personally, I’d like to come over and help you go all reindeer on their asses if I wasn’t on bedrest.


  3. So, so heartless of people to do shit like that. Your comments remind me of how I felt last winter when we discovered that some assholes stole our sleds from our yard. The worst is telling the kids about it.


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