this is a test of the emergency vacuuming system

they are a small gang
baby and furry cohort
conspire against me

This morning the wee-er one and the dog were giggling furiously in the living room (yes, I swear this dog laughs at me). I went in there to investigate and they had somehow snatched a tea bag, destroyed it, and were busy grinding the tiny tiny tea leaves into the carpet.

"Ahh!" I said. "No!"

I was rewarded with a laugh from the wee-er one, and a few calories burned from the pursuit of the dog, who began running around like crazy, refusing to drop the mangled mess of the bag.

Finally, I got the bag away from him. I turned my back for maybe 3 seconds to throw it away and when I turned around again, he had snatched the tree skirt from under the Christmas tree and was doing his best to disembowel it.

"Ahh!" I said. "No!"

It was easier to wrest the tree skirt from him, because it’s about four times his size and slowed his escape by tripping him several times.

So, on the floor? A million gazillion tiny, tiny tea leaves ground into the carpet, topped with a spray of pine needles from the abused Christmas tree, and seasoned with a sprinkling of sequins from the filleted tree skirt.

Out comes the Dyson! We’ve had it for a few month now, but it hasn’t had a real test, yet. Nothing of this magnitude. I flip that sucker on and the wee-er one and the dog run for cover.

As quickly as one can strangle a beloved pet, the mess was sucked comfortably into the vacuum canister. I was very impressed with the sucking power. It’s like the vacuum version of, uh, something that sucks a really lot. The vacuum version of Celine Dion. The vacuum version of Aveda Be Curly (why doesn’t that shit work on my hair? WHY?). It was amazing.

In other, non-impressive and non-related news, I’m having a bit of a problem with a growing addiction to Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton Christmas song duets. There’s this one where she talks about "a fast-talking lover and slow-burning wood" and I chortle hopelessly every single time I hear it. I am Beavis. My immaturity is staggering.

But at least I’m Beavis with a nifty vacuum. Huzzah!

One thought on “this is a test of the emergency vacuuming system

  1. re: ‘slow-burning wood’ Omigosh!! I just heard that for the first time last night and I also chortled, tho sadly, I sounded more like Butthead. 🙂


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