This is an open letter to the person (you know who you are) who has gotten me hooked on watching QVC:

I will get you.

It will be when you least expect it.

I will pop your Quacker Factory cherry with a handsome sweater set. Or I will get your kids hooked on pretzel-wrapped hot dogs. Maybe I’ll use a multi-faceted nut wrench in some nefarious way. Don’t even get me started on the animal print tweezers.

All I’m saying is that you better watch your back. I have nine seasons of the X-Files just looking, looking for a new convert. Especially the episode with Burt Reynolds.

You think Chuck Woolery slinging socks is bad? Just wait until you’re knee deep in alien-human hybrid mythology and you call me crying about what’s going to happen now that the X-Files have been shut down.

Just wait.

quack, quack,

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