Here we go, folks. Austin is live on CNN. I see the Capitol! I’ve been there!
7:00 – Campbell Brown! Jorge Ramos from Univision! Some other old white dude! These are your questioners. Say hello.
7:02 – Hillary is looking snazzy in a navy suit. Obama looks trim in a sleek black suit and red tie. i think it’s a black suit. It could be navy, too. My TV is crap.
7:04 – I think that Hillary has decided to dress as a bat, in honor of Austin’s famous critters. She is also pandering to the crowd like cah-ray-zy. Barbara Jordan, Ann Richards, those names are going to earn cheers no matter who says them. She should also throw in a Hook Em’ and a woo hoo for Salt Lick BBQ.
7:08 – Obama’s turn!
7:09 – He’s not dressed like a bat, and he’s not kissing up to Austin. What? Talk about our keeping it weird! Talk about our greenbelt. This is a debate about what’s good and what’s great about our fair city. Right?
7:12 – Hillary should be wearing this hat
7:14 – Jorge from Univision wants to know if Hillary will sit down with Raul Castro now that his bro has retired to enjoy an Arch Villain’s Twilight Years.
7:15 – No. She would not. It’s illegal to travel to Cuba, duh.
7:16 – Obama would go. It’s actually perfectly legal for the President to travel to Cuba. And to always quote JFK in a debate.
7:20 – I’m distracted by what the candidates are saying because the gigantic red, white and blue background has given me a seizure. A seizure of patriotism.
7:26 – Hillary wants to appoint a Trade Prosecutor to protect us from toys. Seriously, I could totally use one of those guys living in my house. The wee one keeps sneaking his toys to school and trading them for questionable things. A Trade Prosecutor would stop that shit. But i don’t know if the wee one would be up for all the beaurocratic paperwork.
7:31 – Hey, i just thought of something! When I get my check from Dubya – the tax break check made of invisible money – I can buy myself a kickass new TV where I can figure out if Hillary’s suit is black or navy. And thanks to the fact that I have two kids, my check can buy a HD TiVo, too. Republicans and children – not as pesky as you might think.
7:34 – Yes. There is still a debate going on. Immigration reform is what they’re talking about now. Raids on families = bad. Hillary has a look on her face that says, "Hell yeah I’m going out for tacos after this."
7:36 – The wee-er one is rubbing her chest and plaintively demanding for Noke! Noke! Noke! this is her word for milk. Is it terribly obvious that I often say no when she wants milk? Best mom ever!
7:37 – the ratings would be a lot higher if Jorge Ramos from Univision was wearing this:
7:38 – Obama is doing his upward chin tilt gaze to the heavens. The angels sing: thankyouformakingthetexasprimarymatterrrrrrrrrr
7:42 – Hillary has been asked if there should be limits to making the US a bilingual country. She says, "Hell no. How else will we be able to properly order chorizo breakfast tacos at Taco Shak in the early morning before we catch our plane to Ohio. Wait, what were we talking about again?" No, no, she didn’t say that.
7:44 – But she’s thinking it.
7:45 – Obama takes the first shot at No Child Left Behind. Boo standardized tests! Yay foreign language!
7:48 – You can buy a Volvo with a heartbeat sensor in it. That way you know if someone has snuck into your car while you were at Old Navy buying stacks of capris. The real question is: can you use this heartbeat sensor on Presidential candidates? Is there a real person stowing away behind that politico facade? We’ll never know because no one can afford a new Volvo in this economy. Washington conspiracy!
7:52 – OH! DAMN! Hillary has dissed Kirk Watson in his home town. Crickets.
7:54 – Obama is not in favor of boondoggles. He IS in favor of early childhood education. Is he in favor of early childhood education that teaches about boondoggles?
7:57 – By the way, Obama, it’s a good thing you didn’t drop by fr the lentil soup. It tasted like perfume for some reason. Too much tarragon? I don’t know.
7:58 – Obama says it’s "silly season" in politics right now. That’s a daddy thing to say. And he’s right. He’s no plagiarist, and that’s a ridiculous thing for the Clinton campaign to bring up.
8:01 – Hillary’s collar has flipped up. She’s done dreaming of tacos.
8:04 – Really, these guys could be up here honking like the grown-ups in the Peanuts cartoons, and either one of them would still be an excellent choice to run the country.
8:06 – I wonder what these two are doing during the commercial breaks? Brushing each other’s hair and telling secrets about how svelte Campbell Brown’s butt looks in her suit?
8:09 – dessert break. brownie or blondie? It’s a tough choice.
8:10 – brownie. with nuts.
8:11 – Hillary is talking a lot a lot a lot about Edwards tonight. Do I smell a VP nod? Or just pandering for an endorsement?
8:13 – Finally. A debate! Health care has them all riled up. Obama’s body language has changed. He’s pointing skyward a lot, and leaning towards Hillary. I wonder what he smells like? I smell like a tropical paradise (aka: chemical pina colada) because I bought the wrong deodorant. this is not what I imagine Obama smells like. He’s probably more of a Spring Breeze kind of guy.
8:21 – War talk. Every. One. Speaks. Slower. When. Talking. Of. War. And. I. Fall. Asleep.
8:27 – We all agree. McCain sucks. Obama is still talking and talking. Hillary looks like she’s dreaming of those tacos again.
8:28 – I am dreaming of tacos, too.
8:29 – Will the candidates allow the debate to be over? They’ve just now gotten warmed up. And they’re pretty good at walking all over Campbell Brown.
8:30 – Yay! UT! It’s the tower. I’ve been there!
8:32 – Oh yeah, this debate is never going to end.
8:33 – They’re going to have to order in Jason’s Deli instead of going out for tacos. I HATE it when meetings go long and that happens.
8:36 – Obama is straight talkin’. And he’s right. People don’t think Washington listens to them. Washington makes us cynical. Elections make us cynical. Can anyone really change that? I am cynical.
8:37 – If I ever try to reenter the workforce full-time, can I use "cumulative life experience" on my resume? I’d like to.
8:40 – Hillary makes a veiled reference to Bill’s infidelity. Cheers from the crowd! Now she’s trying to make herself cry again, but the creaky robot eyes are not behaving like she wants them to.
8:42 – prayers, blessings, faith, wounded warriors – she’s bringing out the big guns for her finale now.
8:43 – And we’re done. Whew.
8:44 – Let’s get some goddamned tacos and watch Lost.