fo shizz

crazy kids these days
what the damn hell they sayin’?
mama’s getting old

I used the word "gank" today. I think I used it in the wrong context. Still, I’m trying.

You hear that, craxy kids? I am hip to your shit.

This milf is not fronting. I is ridonculous.

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counting to 3

blogging is calming
not cathartic like screaming
less traumatizing

The wee-er one is incredibly over tired right now. She didn’t sleep last night. I’m trying to get her down for an early nap and she is vociferously complaining. She’s also playing that fun game where she screams for water, I give her a cup of water, she angrily throws the cup at me, and then screams WATA WATA WATA even louder as if I was the one who took it from her.

So I thought, what are my choices here? Lose my mind and holler at a toddler who’s just tired and recovering from being sick? Find something small and hard – like a shoe or a book – and throw it across the room? Clap my hands really loudly like I do when I need to startle the dog out of whatever mess he’s causing? Or I could sit here, take some deep breaths, and blog.

So blogging it is. I’m trying to be a calmer person. Less hair-trigger, lightning-action reaction, and more thoughtful, patient response. This is probably going to make me explode, so anyone in the lower half of the 48 states, listen for the loud boom.

What I actually wanted to talk about is the really fantastic dress I just bought to wear to the Fancy Vegas Wedding coming up in just over a week. I am so stoked over this dress. I’m actually afraid it’s too nice for me – this level of fanciness is not something often attempted by the Short Girl With Glasses. But I never ever get the chance to dress up, or act like a girl, so I’m going for it full force. And thank god for friends who go shopping with you and talk you out of buying some nice slacks and a white shirt. I am not wimping out this time. I mean, how many times do you get to go to an evening wedding at the Wynn?

Hey! Holy shit! She’s asleep! I’m going to go take a nap. But don’t fret, I’ll be back for more boring self-deprecation and dreams of being rich enough to buy BCBG dresses for everyday wear.

Back. OK. That was a 24 minute nap for me and a 40 minute nap for her. Not great, but I’ll take it.

So now that I have this fabulous dress I’m feeling very spendy. What I am craving is a trip to Sephora, where I can splurge on all kinds of serums and potions and powders and cremes. Also, I need shoes. And maybe a little purse. And the wee-er one needs a dress. And did I mention we are leaving in just over a week?

I am feeling a maelstrom of spending barreling down on me. I will channel all my toddler rage into buying shit that makes my skin soft and that makes the wee-er one seem less like Anton Chigurh, and more like, I don’t know, Glinda the Good Witch?

We have work to do.

Quarantine!

she’s got the fever
the scarlet fever, oh yeah
it is not awesome

I knew the rash looked awfully familiar. I didn’t want it to, but it did. It said, Hi! Don’t you recall my tiny spots and sandpapery texture? And I replied by closing eyes and covering my ears and going lalalalalalala you are just roseola.

2293193198_3c11cdede8

But that was just wishful thinking on my part. The good news is that wee-er one’s fever seems to have broken over the night. She’s as cool as a cucumber this morning, and fairly jolly, too. Well, jolly if I never put her down or leave the room or try to reclaim my boobs.

So, if the fever stays at bay, we only have 24 hours until we can remove our gas masks and not worry about contagions. We’re leaving a week from Thursday for some wedding shenanigans in Vegas, and being able to go on that trip WITHOUT all having a 19th century plague would be excellent.

Strep. Boo.

should but can’t. can’t but won’t? don’t know.

I know! I know! I should liveblog the Oscars, but how can I sully it with my ridiculous jokes when it’s going to be so ridiculous on its own?

Love, love the Oscars.

eeeee.

****
Note – it’s 9:32 and seriously. What is up with Nicole Kidman’s face? Something funky going on there.

It’s 10:54 and the show just ended. Holy crap that was a long one. Before I collapse where I sit I just want to say – Marion Cotillard? Gorgeous. Diablo Cody? Bad ass. The amount of women writers nominated this year? Stunning. It feels like it was a good night for the ladies tonight. But maybe that’s because I’m tired and delirious.

Perhaps I will be one of the millions of people who try to write a Juno knock-off screenplay now. Well, not right now. Right now I have to………….. [we’re sorry, this sentence cannot be completed because the blogger has collapsed from exhaustion and fallen of the sofa. Stay tuned tomorrow for more Oscar-inspired dreams of ripping off successful screenplays and/or hairdos of the rich and famous.]

Obama – Clinton Debate Live Blog! Hoo Yeah!

Here we go, folks. Austin is live on CNN. I see the Capitol! I’ve been there!

7:00 – Campbell Brown! Jorge Ramos from Univision! Some other old white dude! These are your questioners. Say hello.

7:02 – Hillary is looking snazzy in a navy suit. Obama looks trim in a sleek black suit and red tie. i think it’s a black suit. It could be navy, too. My TV is crap.

7:04 – I think that Hillary has decided to dress as a bat, in honor of Austin’s famous critters. She is also pandering to the crowd like cah-ray-zy. Barbara Jordan, Ann Richards, those names are going to earn cheers no matter who says them. She should also throw in a Hook Em’ and a woo hoo for Salt Lick BBQ.

7:08 – Obama’s turn!

7:09 – He’s not dressed like a bat, and he’s not kissing up to Austin. What? Talk about our keeping it weird! Talk about our greenbelt. This is a debate about what’s good and what’s great about our fair city. Right?

7:12 – Hillary should be wearing this hat
Il_430xn19640216

7:14 – Jorge from Univision wants to know if Hillary will sit down with Raul Castro now that his bro has retired to enjoy an Arch Villain’s Twilight Years.

7:15 – No. She would not. It’s illegal to travel to Cuba, duh.

7:16 – Obama would go. It’s actually perfectly legal for the President to travel to Cuba. And to always quote JFK in a debate.

7:20 – I’m distracted by what the candidates are saying because the gigantic red, white and blue background has given me a seizure. A seizure of patriotism.

7:26 – Hillary wants to appoint a Trade Prosecutor to protect us from toys. Seriously, I could totally use one of those guys living in my house. The wee one keeps sneaking his toys to school and trading them for questionable things. A Trade Prosecutor would stop that shit. But i don’t know if the wee one would be up for all the beaurocratic paperwork.

7:31 – Hey, i just thought of something! When I get my check from Dubya – the tax break check made of invisible money – I can buy myself a kickass new TV where I can figure out if Hillary’s suit is black or navy. And thanks to the fact that I have two kids, my check can buy a HD TiVo, too. Republicans and children – not as pesky as you might think.

7:34 – Yes. There is still a debate going on. Immigration reform is what they’re talking about now. Raids on families = bad. Hillary has a look on her face that says, "Hell yeah I’m going out for tacos after this."

7:36 – The wee-er one is rubbing her chest and plaintively demanding for Noke! Noke! Noke! this is her word for milk. Is it terribly obvious that I often say no when she wants milk? Best mom ever!

7:37 – the ratings would be a lot higher if Jorge Ramos from Univision was wearing this:
Il_430xn12030936

7:38 – Obama is doing his upward chin tilt gaze to the heavens. The angels sing: thankyouformakingthetexasprimarymatterrrrrrrrrr

7:42 – Hillary has been asked if there should be limits to making the US a bilingual country. She says, "Hell no. How else will we be able to properly order chorizo breakfast tacos at Taco Shak in the early morning before we catch our plane to Ohio. Wait, what were we talking about again?" No, no, she didn’t say that.

7:44 – But she’s thinking it.

7:45 – Obama takes the first shot at No Child Left Behind. Boo standardized tests! Yay foreign language!

7:48 – You can buy a Volvo with a heartbeat sensor in it. That way you know if someone has snuck into your car while you were at Old Navy buying stacks of capris. The real question is: can you use this heartbeat sensor on Presidential candidates? Is there a real person stowing away behind that politico facade? We’ll never know because no one can afford a new Volvo in this economy. Washington conspiracy!

7:52 – OH! DAMN! Hillary has dissed Kirk Watson in his home town. Crickets.

7:54 – Obama is not in favor of boondoggles. He IS in favor of early childhood education. Is he in favor of early childhood education that teaches about boondoggles?

7:57 – By the way, Obama, it’s a good thing you didn’t drop by fr the lentil soup. It tasted like perfume for some reason. Too much tarragon? I don’t know.

7:58 – Obama says it’s "silly season" in politics right now. That’s a daddy thing to say. And he’s right. He’s no plagiarist, and that’s a ridiculous thing for the Clinton campaign to bring up.

8:01 – Hillary’s collar has flipped up. She’s done dreaming of tacos.
Maleficent

8:04 – Really, these guys could be up here honking like the grown-ups in the Peanuts cartoons, and either one of them would still be an excellent choice to run the country.

8:06 – I wonder what these two are doing during the commercial breaks? Brushing each other’s hair and telling secrets about how svelte Campbell Brown’s butt looks in her suit?

8:09 – dessert break. brownie or blondie? It’s a tough choice.

8:10 – brownie. with nuts.

8:11 – Hillary is talking a lot a lot a lot about Edwards tonight. Do I smell a VP nod? Or just pandering for an endorsement?

8:13 – Finally. A debate! Health care has them all riled up. Obama’s body language has changed. He’s pointing skyward a lot, and leaning towards Hillary. I wonder what he smells like? I smell like a tropical paradise (aka: chemical pina colada) because I bought the wrong deodorant. this is not what I imagine Obama smells like. He’s probably more of a Spring Breeze kind of guy.

8:21 – War talk. Every. One. Speaks. Slower. When. Talking. Of. War. And. I. Fall. Asleep.

8:27 – We all agree. McCain sucks. Obama is still talking and talking. Hillary looks like she’s dreaming of those tacos again.

8:28 – I am dreaming of tacos, too.

8:29 – Will the candidates allow the debate to be over? They’ve just now gotten warmed up. And they’re pretty good at walking all over Campbell Brown.

8:30 – Yay! UT! It’s the tower. I’ve been there!

8:32 – Oh yeah, this debate is never going to end.

8:33 – They’re going to have to order in Jason’s Deli instead of going out for tacos. I HATE it when meetings go long and that happens.

8:36 – Obama is straight talkin’. And he’s right. People don’t think Washington listens to them. Washington makes us cynical. Elections make us cynical. Can anyone really change that? I am cynical.

8:37 – If I ever try to reenter the workforce full-time, can I use "cumulative life experience" on my resume? I’d like to.

8:40 – Hillary makes a veiled reference to Bill’s infidelity. Cheers from the crowd! Now she’s trying to make herself cry again, but the creaky robot eyes are not behaving like she wants them to.

8:42 – prayers, blessings, faith, wounded warriors – she’s bringing out the big guns for her finale now.

8:43 – And we’re done. Whew.

8:44 – Let’s get some goddamned tacos and watch Lost.

Debate Liveblog!

It’s irresistible. I think I have to liveblog the Obama-Clinton debate tonight. I mean, how fair is it that it’s on cable when so many people don’t have cable?

Now that I finally have cable I feel that it is my duty, nay civic imperative, to inform you of how many times Hillary smiles with her mouth but not with her eyes, and how many times Obama gazes to the overhead lights, seeking out a mandala of florescence.

7-8:30 central time. Barring any bath time or dinner emergencies, of course.

Throwdown!

liberal bastion
hippies are going apeshit
debate is tonight!

Mere miles down the street, the Obama and Clinton peeps are furiously preparing for tonight’s CNN debate. Austin is going crazy.

Word on the street is that Hillary and Chelsea will be at Guero’s tonight, in case you want to eat tacos and star-gaze.

I wonder where Obama will be after the debate? Perhaps he will be smiling beatifically in the corner somewhere, eating Hillary’s lunch. Haha. (Yes, Yes, I’ll be here all all week. Yes, yes, I’ll be recycling old jokes the entire time. Try the roast beef, it’s excellent.)

Normally, I’m not big on watching debates. They make me nervous and uncomfortable, with all of the finger-pointing and truth-bending and question avoidance. But maybe this one will be different. Austin loosens people up. If ever there was a debate with the potential to not suck, this would be the one.

Obama, baby, I’m cheering for you tonight. You can come to my house for dinner. We’re having lentil soup.