here we go my peeps
will she make it through whole show?
only time will tell
7:02pm – An early caveat… I don’t know who half these people are. So probably I will just describe people by their clothing. Example: Pretty Green Dress Girl Who I Think Is Alycia Keys is singing a duet with Sinatra. She has attractive pancake boobs tonight. Not a fan of the dress’ train, though.
7:06 – I would like to have a flaming ceiling like Carrie Underwood has right now. Whenever I’m angry, or the kids are driving me crazy – SHAZAM – flaming ceiling.
7:07 – or is that a wall? whatever.
7:10 – Prince and I could wear the same clothes. Does he shop at Anthropologie? I could totally use some jeans, but I am not forking over $188 for pants.
7:15 – Wachovia commercial. I always thought it was pronounced with the ch-ch-ch sound. So that it’s like a bank with a New York accent. "Yeah, dat’s right. I "watch ovee ya" money.
7:18 – These guy’s are performing for the first time in how many years? Ten? O-wee-o-wee-o my they are not good. Simon would have cut them off two minutes ago.
7:20 – Somewhere an emu is very cold because Rihanna has sheared it to make her dress.
7:24 – Not a fan of the praying hand thank-you gesture that famous people do.
7:25 – Yoko is wearing a tiny top hat! Well, not that tiny, really. Hillary Clinton should totally get one of those. You know she would rock it.
7:26 – If my umbrella had feet maybe I would stop losing the damn thing. I could just holler for it and it would come running. Awesome.
7:29 – This musical number has taught me an important lesson – do not take the wee one to cirque de soleie (dude I don’t know how to spell that). "An exploding punch buggy!" "Why is that lady on that swing?" "What is she up there for?" "Is that dangerous?" "What happens if she falls?" "Are there fireman at the grannies?"
7:33 – Note: I can play Hey Jude on the accordion but no one invited ME to the grammy’s
7:34 – Amy Winehouse wins best new artist. (i think that’s what the award was. I should pay more attention). Yay! I haven’t actually heard of any of the other nominees, though. I’m sure none of them have lyrics like "what kind of fuckery is this?" though. That line alone deserves a grammy.
7:36 – Also? Cyndi Lauper is hot.
7:38 – "A violin with a thyroid problem" hahaha. I miss arrested development.
Just a note here, I’m not doing a very good job of describing what’s going on, am I? Ah, well. If you aren’t watching the show, or have come by at a later date to read this, you must be like, wtf? Violins with thyroid problems? Huh? I just like to keep things mysterious, that’s all. Also, I am lazy and I’ve been reading Cormac McCarthy, so I’ve lost all ability to describe things.
7:46 – Kanye. Stronger. I like this song. And, in fact, was listening to it in the car today when I was driving behind a Toyota Corolla with a tiny tiny bumper sticker on it that said "I Heart My Vagina."
7:48 – Who backs up Kanye? A pyramid filled with midget Trons. Duh.
7:53 – [end PSA against elective plastic surgery]
7:55 – I never thought I would say this, but y’all? Fergie is boring. Bo-ring. Where is this Fergie?
8:01 – a message for Target, sponsor of the Grammy’s: Hi. If you’re reading this, could you email me? I have a fantastic idea for you. It’s very win-win. For real. Email me. Do it, Target. You won’t be disappointed.
8:05 – Tina Turner! Wrapped up like a ding dong with great legs! Somewhere Oprah is wetting herself!
8:08 – every time I finish putting the dishes in the dishwasher I’m going to do that arms apart, vibrating hands, spirit fingers thing. And I will sing Proud Kari Keeps on Burnin (Plastic Spoons In The GE).
8:14 – Nellie Furtado has on a great asymmetrical dress. Pretty.
8:15 – Score another one for Amy Winehouse! Sucks that her appealed-for visa came through too late. I bet that girl can give a kick ass acceptance speech. Somewhere, though, the person in charge of hitting the censor button is very, very relieved.
8:21 – Dave Grohl’s very nicely shampooed hair is trying its best to look greasy and gross but the product is winning this battle. His hair even looks like it smells good. Just barely floral… like the Honolulu airport.
8:27 – Do people win awards on this award show?
8:31 – In another existential question… is there anyone out there actually reading this? That is probably a resounding no.
8:33 – George Lopez is shiny and there’s a white strip across his forehead. I’m guessing he was wearing a hat while his bronzer was applied. George Lopez + bronzer = joke only he is allowed to tell.
8:38 – Best rap album. It is safe to say I haven’t listened to any of these. Kanye takes it. The Staples Center just exploded from his ego being unleashed. I wonder if he’s allowed to fly on airplanes with that thing?
8:44 – If I make fun of the gospel number, the tiny baby jesus with his tiny balled up fists will get mad at me. Sorry TBJWHTBUF, but dude. What is up with the chorus guy back there? It’s like his head ate a fauxhawk and then he stood in front of a jet engine.
8:46 – Sorry again, TBJWHTBUF, but even you should recognize the crime against humanity that is a floor length satin skirt with random ass-expanding ruffles. I mean, for real.
8:57 – so. many. commercials. snore.
8:58 – oh, hey, I know who Feist is after all. At least this song I know. The rock I live under has a TV. Whew. I just saw the light glint off my water bottle and I thought my phone was ringing. I think I may be delirious from hating Kanye.
9:01 – I just missed this lady’s name. Sparkly Black Dress Lady Who Won The First Grammy For A Group Thing Or Something Like That is fucking rocking with Kid Rock right now. This little number is great! Keely Smith. I know I just spelled that wrong.
9:03 – best rock album. Daughtry can suck it. How did he even get nominated? Foo Fighters takes it! Dave Grohl’s Honolulu airport hair still looks clean and shiny. He is my rockstar boyfriend.
9:13 – OK. I’m bored with all the singing.
9:14 – I don’t understand Alicia Keys’ new outfit. Formal shorts? Tights with the panties built in? The camera won’t show it. Is her hoohah showing? What is going on here? It doesn’t matter. I’m still bored.
9:18 – Vince Gill calls out Kanye! I am totally buying Vince Gill’s album now. Hahaha. I hope Vince Gill has a bodyguard. I am just going to keep saying Vince Gill because why stop now? Vince Gill Vince Gill Vince Gill.
9:26 – Rhapsody in Blue. This will always make me think of my mom’s Hooked on Classics tape. Oh I loved this song when I was little. Why don’t I ever go to the symphony? Right. Pesky children.
9:29 – It’s a piano race! I think i HAVE seen this on Tom & Jerry. Which one is Herbie Hancock? He’s Tom, I think.
9:33 – Best Rap Song Corroboration. Rihanna feat. Jay-Z for Umbrella. I don’t know what any of those words mean. I just write them down. Rihanna has traded in her emu dress for a blue number. Not great, but not bad. Jay-Z is funny, by the way. He was giving her shit. I like that in a man.
9:37 – Did you know that after the Super Bowl QVC was selling Giants gear? Like immediately after – 5 seconds after the game. It would be funny if they did the same thing after each Grammy winner. For a limited time only! Three easy payments! Rihanna feat. Jay-Z fitted ball caps! $29.95! You can’t beat this price, folks! This is a once in a lifetime opportunity! We have a caller. Hi there, Mary, where are you from? Des Moines? Awesome. WHya re you calling today, Mary? Because you love the suggestive lyrics of Umbrella? Of course you do, Mary. We all do, honey. How many of these ball caps are you getting today, Mary? Three?! Awesome, Mary. Awesome.
9:42 – Amy Winehouse!
9:42 – Her stick legs make me sad.
9:43 – But her hair is great. And her eyes are great. And her lyrics are great.
9:44 – Boy she looks nervous.
9:45 – Maybe they shot her with a blow dart before this performance.
9:46 – Not that kind of blow.
9:47 – Also, they put a bra on her tattoo. That is crazy.
9:49 – Record of the year. Amy Winehouse takes it! She looks stricken. Absolutely stricken. Now she’s picking it up a bit. "For my Blake, incarcerated." Oh man, that girl is messed up. I hope the aliens fix her, because really, she’s a great talent.
9:59 – I like the piano guy behind the grammy guy. The piano guy is Eldar. Did I hear that right? Am I delirious again? Is it L-Dar? Why doesn’t he have words shaved in his hair like Kanye? L-Dar has strangely segued into the the dead people montage. This is all very confusing. I need food.
10:04 – This may not be popular for me to say, but Josh Grobin makes me want to stab my ears with railroad spikes.
10:06 – Maybe I just hate his hair. It’s like a too-long flapper bob, but fuzzy. he sounds like he’s trying to gargle.
10:14 – Jerry Lee Lewis. When he "woooooooos" his waddle shakes tremendously. It’s great. It almost makes me want a waddle.
10:16 – When I went to Russia and spent 24 hours traveling on a train, with no sleep and little food, I was met at the train station by the family I was going to stay with for a few weeks. Instead of offering me food or sleep, they took me immediately to a gigantic talent show filled with singers and dancers and circus performers and tap numbers and may pole things. It never ended. In fact, it is probably still going on somewhere. At some point during the show I actually burst into tears because I began hallucinating that the dancers were dancing in thin air and glowing red. This Grammy show? It is that never-ending Russian talent show.
10:24 – For real. SO MANY COMMERCIALS! HOLY CRAP!
10:25 – It IS the never-ending talent show. Will.i.am is killing me here with his medley. Do we really need this? Does this add to anything? Even he looks like, "The fuck, yo? Why am I here?"
10:26 – I’m changing my name to kar.i.anne
10:28 – Album of the year. How is this different from record of the year? Herbie Hancock surprises everyone! Kanye is going to tackle him and do that girl slappy thing I bet he does when he fights, and then he’s going to steal the grammy. Run, Herbie! Run!
10:38 – Done! And we are hasta la vista’d by a dude with bagpipes on his head. It is really the only fitting end. Good night, my peeps. This was weird.