Dear Person Who Invented Fried Chicken That Is Not Really What I Would Count As Fried Chicken,
I get it. Really. I do. You were thinking about my health. And you were thinking about presentation, and ease of eating. But seriously, PWIFCTINRWIWCAFC… boneless, skinless chicken fried chicken breasts are BULLSHIT. Do you hear me? They are bull. shit.
Is it wrong that I want to go sit at a restaurant and have a nice waitperson bring me a glass of sweet tea, a plate of fried chicken (legs preferably), a mess of mashed potatoes, and some turnip greens? Is that so horrifying? I don’t want to eat it everyday, I promise. But every now and then, mama needs to get her grease on. And shoveling handfuls of Golden Chick fried chicken livers into my mouth while I sit in the car is maybe not what I had in mind.
What IS on my mind? Thanks for asking. It’s on-the-bone fried chicken, meant to be eaten with hands, sitting on a plate that is not made of paper, placed on a table with a red-checked tablecloth and maybe a vase with a bluebonnet in it.
This is what I want.
Why is it so hard to find? I live in the south, dammit! Sure, it’s not the deep south, but it’s Texas, and people talk funny and wear boots and vote republican *shiver*, so it counts.
Why then, PWIFCTINRWIWCAFC, did you have to come along and muck things up? We do not need dressed up fried chicken in Texas. We do not need knives and forks to eat our poultry. Skinless, boneless breasts?? Really?? Everyone – and I mean everyone – knows that the skin is the best damn part.
My grandmother is floating around somewhere right now, and she is fucking pissed off at you PWIFCTINRWIWCAFC, for ruining fried chicken as we know it. Her ghost is whispering into my ear that you are also probably the person responsible for inventing biscuits in a can. Convenient? Yes. Should they be called "biscuits?" Hell no!
I just can’t believe your scheming ways have ruined fried chicken for an entire Texas town, PWIFCTINRWIWCAFC. Ruined it!
Now I have to go eat Popeyes in my car and dry my tears with hard, not-very-buttermilky biscuits.
Fie on you PWIFCTINRWIWCAFC.