Dear Mean Faerie or Goblin or Spawn of Satan Who Is In Charge Of Making People and Animals Barf,

Hi.

I know it’s been a while since we’ve spoken, and to be perfectly frank, that’s been just fine with me. Yet, you’ve forced the conversation today, haven’t you? In fact, you have ruined a perfectly good post I was writing about getting to meet Mary Roach last night, co-opting it, and forcing me to, instead, write you a mean letter.

Listen, MFOGOSOSWIICOMPAAB, I know that you know I’ve hated you for pretty much my whole life. This has not seemed to bother you, and we’ve been able to happily coexist without bothering each other very often. So what confuses me is why you had to come after me with such a vengeance today.

Well, I should clarify. You didn’t come after me, you came after the wee-er one. While she was in her car seat. And we were 35 minutes from home. And I had nary a wipe or change of clothes in the car.

Because of you, MFOGOSOSWIICOMPAAB, I am now not only going to have to set fire to the car seat, I am going to have to set fire to my car, too. Not cool.

And then, just as a little haha joke you thought it would be funny for us to finally make it home (after completely dismantaling the car seat, strapping a nearly naked wee-er one into her brother’s booster, strapping the wee one into the front passenger seat, and high-tailing it down the highway as fast as I could go while holding my breath from the stench) and discover a GIANT PILE OF PUKE on the newly cleaned carpet.

WTF, MFOGOSOSWIICOMPAAB, W. T. F.?

At first I was really pissed. Why would you make the dog puke everywhere like that? But then I noticed the empty box of raisins full of the teeth marks from a really stupid dog. Are you laughing hysterically now that I can’t hate you for making him puke? Are you pleased that even though I want to swiftly kick your ass for the drama you caused in the car today, I can’t, because you might have saved the dog’s life? Of course, we still have to watch him carefully all night so that we can catch the first signs of kidney failure, because the moron seems to have re-eaten a portion of the regurgitated raisins (gross), but at least there was that initial puke to keep him from croaking.

So thanks, MFOGOSOSWIICOMPAAB. You have reinstated contact with me after radio silence for quite some time. You have killed the car seat, which pisses me off. You have altered the smell of my car, which really pisses me off. But hopefully you have saved my dog. So I guess I can’t hate you as much I want to.

Still. You suck.

Sincerely,
Kari
concerned mother

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