So much. Too much.

terrified, guilty
those two don’t make good combo
they make headaches, though

Well, first and foremost, today is the wee-er one’s birthday. She is two! I will post a picture of her cake when I get to the other computer. It was a Westie cake. I think she really liked it.

Before we got to enjoy the cake, though: drama. No, make that Drama. It really deserves the capital this time.

Forgive me, for those of you who’ve already seen a version of what comes below. I am just too tired to write it out again.

So I woke up at 2:30am to a gush. Not a bloody gush, but a watery one. Oh shit, right? It was a funky color, though, and I’ve never had my water break on my own so I didn’t know what it was. I called the on call doc and he said it was probably my bladder and to go back to bed and go see my doc in the morning. I was reasonably freaked out, but I tried to heed his advice.

Then, at 4:30 a bigger gush. So watery and scary and definitely not my bladder. By this time I’d worked myself into a good frenzy and was really starting to prepare for the worst. Like really think out what we were going to tell the wee one, how we needed to pick out a name, etc. 20w3d is not when you want your water to break. I drove myself to Labor and Delivery while my husband stayed with the kids.

I got to the hospital and they admitted me right away and did a sterile exam to test the fluid. By this time, the gushing had stopped. (This has me concerned that the test wasn’t accurate, but I am trying to not be so paranoid.)

The ferning test was negative for amniotic fluid, and the ultrasound
showed plenty of fluid around the baby. He was happily kicking his
coiled up cord. I could hardly believe it. In fact, I still have a hard time believing everything is "OK."

I am afraid to say whew. But whew.

So. The fuck is going on? The best answer the doctor could come up
with is that the subchorionic hemorrhage (aka the fucking fuck clot
from hell) decided to have a little leak. Apparently when these clots
hang around for a while they can develop pockets of fluid and/or the
old blood gets very watery. The doc had a fancy word for this that I
will never remember even under hypnotic memory regression. So he said I
probably just overdid it yesterday, or the baby gave a good kick and
WHUSH out came a flow of clot water (he didn’t say "clot water" but I wish he would have). Then an hour and a half later
WHUSH, more clot water. That was went I went total meltdown
straightjacket freak out apeshit.

I am still not convinced there isn’t a leak. Tonight I have had two more huge gushes, both coming during a fairly strong contraction. I will call the doc in the morning if I can wait that long.

I will have to
trust the doctors from the hospital that things are not as dire as I feel like they are. I’m going back to my doc next week for a follow-up ultrasound.
And then I am getting PTSD counseling or something because fuck me,
y’all, this shit is just. not. cool.

Almost breathing again…. but mostly still pretty freaked. And so terribly guilty about this happening on the wee-er one’s birthday. She was oblivious, but I still feel bad.

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2 thoughts on “So much. Too much.

  1. Big hugs to you. I’m sorry this one is already being such a pain in the ass…maybe this means that this one will be your calm, obedient, serene child since he’s giving you so much grief now? I hope things calm down so you can sit back and enjoy the pregnancy more.
    Big Happy Birthday to the wee-er one!

    Like

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