tired of predicting
acc’dent prognostication

I don’t want to say anything or give any details because it always seems like when I update the blog something terrible happens immediately afterward. But I can’t just leave you guys hanging. So I will say we have been surrounded by family and friends in a protective circle of hope and prayers and good thoughts and distracting DVDs. I am in the bed all day and all night as immobile as one can be when one has to pee 47 times a day.

I am in the throes of the first seasons of Beverly Hills 90210, Babylon 5 and Buffy. I am getting my ass kicked in the email version of Scrabulous. (If you want to play, send me your email and I’ll start up a game. 200 simultaneous Scrabulous games will be distracting. And piss me off because I will lose them all!)

My husband has rigged up a way for the family to all watch movies in the bedroom with me via laptop transferring to computer monitor. Who knew the lightning struck TV would be missed so much?

So that’s your non-update. Still terrified, learning to lean on others, and happy to not have Brenda’s teeth.

the news, it is not awesome

The fern was positive for amniotic fluid. However, the fluid levels
around the baby were higher today than yesterday. And the nitrizine at
the doc was negative. But the nitrizine on the sample from 2:30am was


There are a variety of exhausting explanations. The one I like is that
the sample from 2:30 is contaminated with old blood, causing false
positives and there is no leak. The one I don’t like is that there is a
high leak and that might be why I’m getting gushes with a big
contraction and not a constant trickle. The one I think is most likely
true? Door number 2. I just feel like that’s what’s happening.

We’re treating it like there’s a leak. ABX, strict bed rest, regular
temp taking to monitor for infection. If I can make it to 24 weeks
without anything terrible happening I will probably be admitted to the
hospital for the duration of the pregnancy.

I am so fucking scared. I am rapidly losing all ability to be brave or
funny. But crying in bed until whatever is going to happen happens
doesn’t seem like a great idea.

How do I not panic? How will it be OK?

it continues…

I had another gush at 2:30 am. I used the nitrizine strips from the doc and bam – blue as the deep blue see. We do not want it to be blue. Blue is bad. However, I was warned by the doc not to panic if I saw blue because other things can cause it too. So we are going back to the doc as soon as I call them.

Think happy thoughts. Think No Rupture thougts.

So much. Too much.

terrified, guilty
those two don’t make good combo
they make headaches, though

Well, first and foremost, today is the wee-er one’s birthday. She is two! I will post a picture of her cake when I get to the other computer. It was a Westie cake. I think she really liked it.

Before we got to enjoy the cake, though: drama. No, make that Drama. It really deserves the capital this time.

Forgive me, for those of you who’ve already seen a version of what comes below. I am just too tired to write it out again.

So I woke up at 2:30am to a gush. Not a bloody gush, but a watery one. Oh shit, right? It was a funky color, though, and I’ve never had my water break on my own so I didn’t know what it was. I called the on call doc and he said it was probably my bladder and to go back to bed and go see my doc in the morning. I was reasonably freaked out, but I tried to heed his advice.

Then, at 4:30 a bigger gush. So watery and scary and definitely not my bladder. By this time I’d worked myself into a good frenzy and was really starting to prepare for the worst. Like really think out what we were going to tell the wee one, how we needed to pick out a name, etc. 20w3d is not when you want your water to break. I drove myself to Labor and Delivery while my husband stayed with the kids.

I got to the hospital and they admitted me right away and did a sterile exam to test the fluid. By this time, the gushing had stopped. (This has me concerned that the test wasn’t accurate, but I am trying to not be so paranoid.)

The ferning test was negative for amniotic fluid, and the ultrasound
showed plenty of fluid around the baby. He was happily kicking his
coiled up cord. I could hardly believe it. In fact, I still have a hard time believing everything is "OK."

I am afraid to say whew. But whew.

So. The fuck is going on? The best answer the doctor could come up
with is that the subchorionic hemorrhage (aka the fucking fuck clot
from hell) decided to have a little leak. Apparently when these clots
hang around for a while they can develop pockets of fluid and/or the
old blood gets very watery. The doc had a fancy word for this that I
will never remember even under hypnotic memory regression. So he said I
probably just overdid it yesterday, or the baby gave a good kick and
WHUSH out came a flow of clot water (he didn’t say "clot water" but I wish he would have). Then an hour and a half later
WHUSH, more clot water. That was went I went total meltdown
straightjacket freak out apeshit.

I am still not convinced there isn’t a leak. Tonight I have had two more huge gushes, both coming during a fairly strong contraction. I will call the doc in the morning if I can wait that long.

I will have to
trust the doctors from the hospital that things are not as dire as I feel like they are. I’m going back to my doc next week for a follow-up ultrasound.
And then I am getting PTSD counseling or something because fuck me,
y’all, this shit is just. not. cool.

Almost breathing again…. but mostly still pretty freaked. And so terribly guilty about this happening on the wee-er one’s birthday. She was oblivious, but I still feel bad.