I am impatiently waiting for the kids to get settled into bed so that my husband and I can go back to the NICU.

Isaac has been squirmy and crying today -much like his mama! I don’t think anyone is worried about his grouchiness other than me.

He’s been on his belly soaking up the bili lights and I’m wondering if I can bring in a small radio so he can relax and listen to the Horns whoop up on Florida Atlantic.

It’s funny that even as the days pass I still have a hard time believing Isaac is here and that I’m not pregnant anymore. I should still be pregnant.

It feels like he is not real or something. Does that sound strange? It doesn’t diminish my loving and aching and worrying about him, but I still have a hard time understanding that when I say his name I am talking about my own child. I am having a hard time reconciling that this is our situation – we are actually doing this. NICU, micro-preemie, the whole thing. It is somehow too real and not real all at the same time.

And man is my temper short. I don’t want to wait for things or people, I don’t want to still have to depend on everyone for everything. The exhaustion is pissing me off.

We are in the car now, off to the hoppital (as the wee-er one calls it). My pain meds made me nauseous so I am waiting for them to wear off and I am avoiding taking more. Probably not smart but the anti-nausea zofran is $430 for 10 pills so I will ache. I might as well have my insides and my outsides all be achy together.

On that note, I am not as baby-bluesy as I sound, just tired and impatient.

Ike awaits me. I can’t wait to get there and touch his fuzzy head.

In the next few minutes I’ll be on my way home after 36 days in the hospital. We have at least two carts worth of stuff.

It’s bittersweet to be leaving the Ike-a-saurus here and it makes me really sad. We’ll be back tonight to be with him, though.

Home!

Did you hear that?!

HOME!

I can’t believe it. I can’t believe any of this.

Still in the hospital, but hopefully for not much longer. I am just so tired. I can’t get enough rest. I’m sure it has something to do with having surgery after having been on bedrest for sooooooo long.

It’s also the pumping every 2-3 hours. I am starting to not like the pumping. I love that I’m able to pump and that my milk is in, or at least is coming in. But I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing. I never had to pump with my other pregnancies and so now I don’t know if I should pump until I’m empty or only pump for 15 or 20 minutes and then stop, or what. I need to find a good lactation consultant who specializes in super early babies. I am scared of getting all plugged up and/or getting mastitis. I can’t get sick because if I’m sick I can’t go to the NICU.

Also, I am stunningly short-tempered right now. Impatient, grouchy and not taking shit from anyone. I think all of my pent-up feelings about this whole situation are flooding out of me on a nice wave of postpartum emotion. It is not fun for people in the same room with me. So much crying. But maybe it will stop now that my milk is mostly in.

Enough about me.

Ike-a-saurus is on the nasal canula now, which is super fantastic. They keep saying he could destabilize at any minute, but for now, Yay! Canula! He still isn’t really digesting any of the expressed milk they put in his tummy, but the concern is not "Oh shit!" It’s more like a frustrated "crap!" Though we were told today that a 28-week baby isn’t ready to digest anything so it’s not a surprise or a major concern that the milk is staying put. It’s just a test to give him some digesting practice. Hopefully the practice will pay off.

I am beyond exhausted. I’m sure he is, too.

When I told the wee one his brother’s name, we were talking on the phone and I was drugged to the gills with a variety of pain meds and flat exhausted. The wee one was having a hard time understanding me. Our conversation went something like:

HIM: What’s his name?
ME: Isaac Sawyer
HIM: What?!
ME: Isaac Sawyer!
HIM: Ike-a-saurus?
ME: (cringing in pain from laughing) Yes! You got it! Ike-a-saurus!

We were up to see Ike-a-saurus late last night. All of the incubators get covered like bird cages so the babies can sleep. We lifted his giraffe-patterned cover and peeked in at him. He was wiggling like crazy, I think having heard our voices.

He was grabbing at the CPAP and not thrilled with the feeding tube down his throat. I was thrilled to see the tube, though. Thrilled to know that the itty bitty cc’s of colostrum I’ve been pumping every two hours all day and all night, are going into his itty bitty tummy. Apparently this is a big step because these tiny guys have immature intestines that are prone to blockages and infections. So fingers crossed that his tummy is just as strong as the rest of him.

Ike-a-saurus Roy.
The most perfect name ever!
The wee one is wise.

Isaac Sawyer Roy was born at 11:50am this morning, 8/25/08. He weighs 2lbs 5 oz and was born at 28 weeks 2 days gestation.

We are thrilled and scared and ask for all your prayers and good thoughts.

They will need the next few days to really assess his lungs, and he is on a ventilator. But we heard him cry just after he was born, so that was wonderful.

It’s been a surreal day and I am alternating highs from hormones and loopiness from pain meds, but it is not the drugs talking when I say thank-you to each and every one if you… Friends, strangers, lurkers, everyone. Your support and love and kindness and worry has propelled me through these past eight weeks and it continues to help as I grapple with what’s to come in the NICU. The scary part is just now starting, but knowing you all are out there pulling for us is a tremendous thing.

What a day!

Too many contractions tonight. Trying to enjoy some hydrocodone while wearing my “it’s up to me to be drug free” shirt. Mostly, though, I just feel weird. And in pain.

28 weeks 2 days.

The Strokes have a song called, Is This It.

It is on repeat in my head.