It’s that time

to go or not go
not fun decision to make
where’s teleporter?

It’s the time of night where I have to decide – am I going up to the NICU? If I am, I have to leave now so that I’m there for the 8pm feeding. That way Ike-a-saurus can have a go at breastfeeding before the gavage. I was up there this morning and he nursed for ten minutes straight and then for another five. He did great. In between those two bouts, though, he had two consecutive heartrate drops, turned pale and blue and FREAKED MY FREAKING SHIT. He was fine, but damn if that didn’t shave about five years off my life.

Now I have to not let that scare me from feeding him. Obviously, he has to learn how to eat. And obviously, he is not ready to just chow down. He is getting stronger everyday and sometimes I forget that things are still perilous. But today reminded me. "This is why he’s still here and not at home," the nurse said and I nodded my head vehemently. Yes yes. I totally understand.

In the evening, when I am so tired and the drive to the hospital looms and the mile-long walk to the elevators taunts me, and I am afraid of nearly killing him with my boobs, I know it’s a good night to stay home, regroup, catch up on TV and relax. But I feel tremendously guilty.

I want to be there with him tonight. I want to try to nurse him. I want to scrub the germs from my arms and fingernails. I want to hold him and smell his head and pepper him with staccato kisses. I want to whisper in his ear how strong and amazing he is and how he’s going to make it through the night with no Brady’s or apneas or de-sats. I want to tell him that he’s perfectly capable of breastfeeding and surviving, that this is just the training period now. He is like a triathalon athlete, training for the big race, and he will improve his stamina the more he practices. This is what I say to him in the mornings when I visit and in the evenings, and all the time. I’m sure he’s probably tired of hearing it.

I hate to not be there tonight to have our chat. And my husband is too tired to go, too. I know the two of us need quiet time together, too, but still. I miss the little dude, and even on good days I only spend about two hours out of my whole day with him. I hate to not be there. I hate to be tired.

The nurses will take care of him, though. They will give the bottle a whirl if he’s alert and awake. Maybe they’ll even give his stinky butt a bath. It’s nice to know they’re there for him, but it hurts my heart to not be the one doing it.

The TiVo better hold some magic for me tonight, because damn if I’m staying home to just watch crap TV and feel inadequate.


Nippling Protocol

Nippling Protocol
Not a dirty spy movie
a big step ahead

Ike-a-saurus begins his nippling protocol today! And though it sounds like a backroom James Bond-esque porno, it is not. It means the nurses are going to try to feed him a bottle. It also means we can really work on the breastfeeding in earnest. Yay! He is officially 33 weeks today, gestationally (which is weird to say, since he is gestating in a little temp controlled condo and not my belly), and 33 weeks is when they can really start practicing the whole suck, swallow breathe thing.

Wish us luck – this one’s a biggie towards coming home!


The advanced reader copies of my book are out! Some are in the mail to me right this very second. I can’t wait to see them. Can’t wait! Can’t wait!

With everything going on I almost forgot that I’m a writer. Ha.

Watch out librarians – watch out reviewers… Mike Stellar: Nerves of Steel by K.A. Holt is heading to your mailbox. Pick it up. Read it. Love it. Review it. Tie people up, make them buy it. Whatever it takes. I’m so excited!

ARC ARC ARC! I sound like a seal!


a debate debate
whether to liveblog or not
sleeping seems more fun

I toyed with liveblogging the debate that’s going on right now, but ugh. It is giving me a headache. Do these things really change anybody’s mind? I mean, I see why debates are necessary, but I am just too tired to put up with paying attention to it tonight.

McCain wants to give me a $5000 tax credit to purchase health insurance for my family? The same health insurance that costs $12,000 a year in premiums alone – not counting deductibles and co-pays and getting-fuckeds? Can I use that $5000 tax credit towards the $100,000 bill from the hospital that my insurance is trying to refuse to pay? Gee, thanks.

No energy to even get started on this.