1. Driving might not be a good idea
2. Emotions are fun when they lie just barely under the surface. Happy! Angry! Sad! Happ—snoooore.
3. Narcolepsy while feeding a baby is messy
4. If I am not careful, I will be able to justify shaving my head because I HATE MY HAIR. IT IS TOO LONG AND AWFUL.
5. Farts make me laugh even more than normal
6. Trying to hook the tubing from the breast pump directly to one's nipple does not work
7. Don't mull over how you got poop on your elbow. Just wash it off and move on.
8. If you have to tie a string around your finger to remember you have other kids, do it!
9. Wait until you are coherent before shooting off an email to Typepad telling them how much you FUCKING HATE the new composition interface (hello, my computer already is almost on fire all the time, your complicated slow ass template is going to make it explode). If this advice is not heeded, your email will look like this: Hate sucky suck assholes! Fix it old way now, before I fall sleep! Blog sjfgheuibkj.
10. Even if your neighbors are getting new wood floors put in and the flooring looks so pretty, do not try to bribe the installers to put the flooring in your house instead. Your neighbors will get mad and also the installers don't speak english so you just look even crazier than normal.
11. Babies smell really good even when they don't
12. Grown-ups do not tend to smell really good even when they don't
13. I want red patent leather peekaboo slingback heels. I can wear them to buy nipples.
14. It is not still July
15. Popcorn and grapes make an OK lunch
16. The Law of Poop says it won't come when you wait for it, much like the boiling water scenario. But when you are trying to sleep, watch out.
17. Reaching into a pot of boiling water to grab a pump flange is going to hurt
18. Shouting about insurance to your spouse helps nothing, even if he started it
19. You can never have too many blue sucky nose syringe things
20. What was I talking about again?