Learning how to eat
challenging for mom and babe
our gullets need help
I am finding myself trapped on the sofa a lot. I get Ike-a-saurus into the perfect position where he stops grunting like a tiny goat and I realize, Shit. I'm starving. But I can't move for fear of awakening the World's Smallest GoatPig, and his bitchy aquaintance: Joe the Gas Bubble.
What I need is a Rube Goldberg-ian contraption that would allow me to pull a lever or push a shiny button whenever I need a snack-sized Snickers, or a ham sandwich. The lever could whack a piece of flint, setting off a spark that lights a match. The match could gently warm the tail feathers of a chicken until it squawked into a megaphone. The vibrations from the megaphone would start a tiny little earthquake on the desk globe we have. This would make the globe shake across the table, knocking over some dominoes. The last domino would fall into a bucket, which would fall to the floor and flip on the pantry light switch, via a pulley system. The light switch would activate some solar powered robotic fingers on the pantry wall, that would grab a box of Cheez-its (or some candy bars, or maybe even a banana). The fingers would drop the box into a small toy dump truck waiting on the pantry floor. The weight of the box would push down the dump truck's on switch and the truck would zoom out of the pantry and into the living room, where it would crash into a pile of assorted legos. This would send the Cheez-it box flying into my lap.
Or I could hire a butler.
Or I could remember to get food before I sit down.