And I used to like going to the eye doctor

small gelato spoon
looks so dainty until it
scoops out baby's eye

Ike-a-saurus has to go to the eye doctor every two weeks until he is term. This is to monitor the vascularization (is that a word?) of his eyes. We're watching out (so to speak) for ROP, which I think stands for Retinopathy of Prematurity. So far his eyes are fine, maybe a little farsighted, but nothing major.

Since his eyes are fine, it is hard for me to understand why we have to keep taking him to the opthamologist – or Crazy Ass Eye-Ball Scooping Grouch, MD.

Every time we go get Ike's eyes checked, the doctor gets a nurse to pin him down and then puts in these fucked up looking Minority Report eye speculums. They are actually called Eye Speculums. Then he sticks this thing that I like to call The Gelato Spoon – INTO Ike-a-saurus' eyes. As you can imagine, much screaming ensues. From Ike, from me, from the wee-er one who cries whenever Ike cries… it is a disaster.

They dilate his eyes before this traumatic process, and they put an anesthetic in his eyes before the gelato spoon, but it doesn't seem like they give that anesthetic enough time to kick in. It is just horrifying. And lord does he cry. This is not a baby that cries for anything. Even vaccines just make him squeal for a second and then he's fine.

We have one more visit left (hopefully), but I don't know how I am going to be able to take him back there. It's hard for me to understand how these trips are not doing more harm than good. I hate them. I hate them so much.

And just to add insult to injury, there is this list I have in my head; a list of things I don't want to talk about with strangers. It is like the Seven Words You Can't Say on TV, only it's composed of the Specific Topics You Don't Mention To Me In Public (or mostly anywhere). Things like premature babies dying, how it's OK to be racist if you're old and Texan, future physical and developmental problems former preemies suffer, etc. My list is violated every time I go to that stupid eye doctor.

Next time someone at that place violates my list I am just going to shout forbidden words at them to shock them into shutting up.

"I know a baby that caught a dread disease and—"

"COCKSUCKER!"

"Can you believe how black the new presi—"

"TAINT!"

"Have you had your son tested for—"

"TWAT!"

I think maybe if I do that, we will never have to go back no matter what.

Fucking eye doctor, ruining gelato for us forever AND making me write twat on my blog. Asshole.

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12 thoughts on “And I used to like going to the eye doctor

  1. I think you may get a lot of strange hits from Google searches after that.
    Sorry it was so sucky today. 😦 Hopefully only one more time to go.

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  2. I have added this nameless eye doctor to my list of people to hate on a daily basis.
    It’s a long list, but I’m very devoted to it. 😉
    Sorry you’re having to deal with this crap, and I’m totally onboard the cursing as revenge strategy.

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  3. Ohhhhhhh, I remember those eye speculums, and the heart rate monitor beeping frantically because my baby was REALLY PISSED OFF. I huddled in the corner sobbing. Poor Ike-a-saurus, I hope he’s done soon!
    Can I yell TWAT at everyone today? Please?

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  4. Um, at the risk of sounding uncaring towards the Ikesters–you could just not take him to that last appointment. Can you find out the symptoms of whatever it is they’re checking for and just be on the lookout for them at home? Or can you just find another doctor to take him to? If nothing else, insist they wait longer until they do whatever it is they’re doing. YOU are the client AND the mom. When it comes to the care of your baby, what you say goes. If you want them to wait while you nurse him after the anesthetic or something, they have to wait. It pisses me off to no end when doctors get pushy and uppity and act like they’re God’s gift to the universe. Gag me.

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  5. Okay, that SUCKS. Ike doesn’t deserve that. That is stinkn’ cute that wee-er one cries when he cries, though. Maybe not to you…
    And now I have a new derogatory term to use and plan on implementing it as soon as possible. “Twat” has always been classic, but “Taint?” TAINT? I am excited for my first victim.

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  6. What a horrible experience! I found out yesterday that my optometrist made my new glasses WRONG. The cylinder was more than double what it was supposed to be. After a week of wearing them and thinking I was crazy, I finally took them in. I was simultaneously relived and annoyed.
    On a totally unrelated note, except it’s something to cheer you up, check out this blog about Michelle Obama and fashion. If, like me, you’re a fan of our future first lady, it’s a fun read:
    http://www.mrs-o.org/

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  7. It’s a really freaking long drive, but I do recommend Dr. Hillary Onan for ped. ophthamology. She’s in Round Rock and M went to her for three years before we moved. The downside to her office is that she can sometimes get backed up. But my frustration with that was always alleviated when I saw how gentle she was with my little man. Good luck. This sucks on so many levels. I know all too well how awful it is to watch your child be pinned down by doctors and you having to watch helplessly 😦

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