10:03: And we're done. Suck it, bitches. Lemon out!
9:59: Slumdog Millionaire take the GG for Best Motion Picture of a non-funny or non-musical persuasion. I love how everyone that has to do with this movie looks like a normal ol' regular person. Weird teeth, funky hair, underbites, saying "fuck" at inopertune times…. excellent.
9:54: How many times can Mickey Rourke say "balls"? Oops. They play the music on you when you thank your dogs.
9:53: What does the FCC do about flipping people off on live TV?
9:51: Called it! Mickey Rourke. Well, everyone called it, didn't they? Marisa Tomei is all, "Yargh, nice work, matey."
9:47: I love the Target commercial where they show you why you don't need to jump off a bridge because Wall Street caused your IRA to lose 42% last quarter.
9:44: Mad Men! It's pretty much the only show on TV I don't watch. I tried. I didn't like it. I couldn't handle the gender stuff. Isn't that strange? Maybe I will try it again.
9:40: Kate Winslet is fantastic. Even when she's thinking everyone in the world. She could come to my house and have some mexican coke (the drinkable kind) and talk about babies and food.
9:38: Mark Wahlberg. So short. I want to put him in my pocket. Carry him around. Pat his head. Feed him toilet paper rolls.
9:29: What? Everyone at the Globes is friends with Guy Ritchie? Sascha Baron Cohen can't make fun of him? Weird? That's like people at the Emmy's not laughing at a Ryan Phillipe joke or something.
9:27: Salma Hayek. Boobs. Everything else melts away.
9:21: A flurbutygibbet luv and werk and I'm not on CokeanymorenotevenMexicanCokebutIcan'tstoptalkin'Iam
thenextTomCruiseWooooooo Colin Farrell wins for a movie I don't know about because I never leave my house.
9:17: Chaffee Bicknell!
9:15: Oh, Danny Boyle. Never say "mad, pulsating affection" ever again. He is sweaty, too. I'm finding sweaty so endearing tonight.
9:13: Dushtin Hofffffman. Talk about drunk, yo.
9:08: He's a class act, that Spielberg. Even though I grew a beard during his speech.
9:02: In an alternate universe, there is a Steven Spielberg and he does not have John Williams as his composer. And that Steven Spielberg is a dude who makes movies and people like them OK and he has an IMDB page but he doesn't get the front tables at award shows.
8:56: Hey, Steven Spielberg! I have consummate skill, too. Snort.
8:53: Friday Night Lights! Back! Oh, Tim Riggins, this cougar is whipping out her gold lamé pants just for you.
8:50: You know what, though? It freaks me out to see that much of Tina Fey's boobs. Other people's boobs? Great! Tina Fey's boobs? Make me blotchy.
8:49: How sweaty is Tina Fey? That is so awesome. You know her armpits are dripping and tickling her sides. Oh my God. It's a Suck it speech. I hope you're watching, A.
8:47: Jane is glittery. Hi. 1999 wants its boobs back.
8:45: The Slumdog music just killed me. Brilliant. I'm so glad it won.
8:42: I just went into the kitchen, stood there, opened the trash can, looked inside for a while, forgot what I was doing, and then finally remembered I wanted a drink. Why the trash can? Who knows? Kitchenheimers strikes again.
8:40: Did they just warn about "junk damage" on this Orencia commercial?
8:36: Of course 30 Rock. Of course! Yay Tracy! He should accept awards for everyone from every show. Suck it, white people!
8:32: Paul Giamatti is like a dude you run into at the airport. And he talks to you about the news and why do they not sell the right kind of gum in the gift shop and is it called a gift shop when it's in an airport and sells newspapers, too, and where are you flying? Hey! He has family there, too. Wanna split this bottle of water? No. OK.
8:29: Drew Barrymore's Head and Sharon Stone From Five Years Ago had a baby – Renee Zellwegger!
8:24: Tina Fey pshaw'd Alec's demurring. I want to go to that table.
8:23: Did you see his demure smirk? He just did a little tee hee.
8:22: Alec Baldwin has to win. He has to. Has to.
8:21: Slumdog Millionaire is the only one of these movies I've seen. It made me sad. That's weird, isn't it?
8:20: Seth Rogan has slimmed down! He is obviously not on my waif-free diet.
8:11: Laura Linney makes me a little crazy. What is it about her? She seems very polite and courteous and yet… do you think she has goat horns under that dirty hair? Is she a self-impressed lady satyr?
8:07: Ifyewerewunderinwhutimuptoupereeyempresentinanaward. Ar. Mph. Dup. Shun. That's what my ears hear when Colin Farrell speaks.
7:58: My blogging buddy
7:54: Before the show Drew was all, "I think taking a convertible helicopter to the globes is a great idea! I have my aqua net, what could go wrong?"
7:47: Alec Baldwin is at his table talking with both hands. "And THEN I said, that's a DONKEY not a… sure I'll take some more champagne."
7:44: This Hawkins lady…. Girl needs a ham sandwich. And a candy bar. And some ice cream. And some little debbie cosmic brownies. That's my waif-free diet. It works great.
7:42: Johnny Depp and I have a similar haircut.
7:39: Oh, Ricky Gervais. You so funny. Now gimme that pint and come over to play Wii.
7:33: Anna Paquin is a lady now! She's got a weird Portia de Rossi thing going on tonight. At some point in my life I would like to be able to thank my dresser. Not the thing with drawers, the person who would help me not look like a spit-up on shlubby shlub.
7:31: Still no BSG nominations for Best Actress. Sigh.
7:28: Why does Hayden Pannteeirrieeree insist on wearing maternity dresses?
7:25: "Ladies and Gentlemen the star of the upcoming film "Hotel for Dogs" – Don Cheadle!" That sounds like something you'd hear in the background on 30Rock.
7:17: The wee one just described an invention to me – like a breast pump, but a pump for the snot in your nose. Then you can lob the snot bottles at your mortal enemies.
7:07: When did Sting become the Fisher King?
7:05: I am eating ham
7:02: The thing up on stage, the round thing behind everyone – the ice-sculpture-esque golden globe? It's like a glowing mandala behind J. Lo. Think she brought it herself?
6:59: This year I'm trying the newest post on top style of liveblogging. Better? We'll see. It's confusing me.
6:41: Brad and Angelina just totally snubbed Seacrest. Like, "Oh, beautiful darling, do you smell some aqua velva on the wind?" "I don't know, my stunning goddess, what's that annoying buzzing noise?" "Oh, nothing." "Let's go make out!" "OK!" It's like me trying to talk to other moms at the playground. Except for the making out part and the aqua velva part. Just the ignoring part, really.
6:30: NASCAR technology meets E! meets award shows. That tiny dot with the gigantic arrow shooting out of her head? Amy Adams! What would I have done if I'd missed her? And more importantly, which lap is this?
6:20pm: I'm trying to work and watch the pre-show on E. But I'm distracted by Jessica Lange and Drew Barrymore talking to Seacrest. Drew's hair looks like a Miss Havisham bob. And Jessica Lange sounds like Miss Havisham with her squirrely giggle. If I squint, they become one person. Jessica Barrysham? Miss Havishlangemore?