he's nursing so great!
it's all awesome la la la!
oh boy, should have known
If you take a tennis ball, coat it in pain, drop it in a tube sock, attach that tube sock to your body, and hit the pain-coated ball in a sock many many times with a baseball bat, then you will sort of know how I feel this morning.
I woke up with a deformed, diseased teat. Well, maybe not diseased, but I wanted you to have the full Ren & Stimpy image of this thing. Flies buzzing around; visible throbbing; sad, glazed, bloodshot eyes helplessly taking it all in…
Holy crap, yo, this boob HURTS. HU-URTS. HUUU-UUURTS. At 12:30 AM, it was fine. At 5 AM, deformity and pain had set in. What? It's like those horrible commercials for Cialis where the announcer cheerfully talks about seeking medical help if your erection lasts for four or more hours. My letdown is lasting for four or more hours. Only nothing is coming out. Just letting down and letting down and hurting and hurting and pretty soon I will have a boob the size and shape of the world's largest bunch of grapes stuffed inside a tube sock. Grapes coated in pain. Forget the tennis ball.
It hurts so bad I am shaking. Not feverish. No chills. But shaky from pain. And when I try to nurse on that side? Well, I'm sure you've heard the screaming. It's a good thing I took those birthing classes seven years ago, so that I could learn how to visualize Hawaii while nursing on my deformed pain-coated grape bunch/tennis ball in sock boob.
It's making me cry and I have a very high tolerance for pain. Innumerable broken toes, a torn ulna collateral ligament, three babies… and this is fucking making me weep with pain.
Ren & Stimpy can have their boob. I want mine back.