This is what I get

he's nursing so great!
it's all awesome la la la!
oh boy, should have known

If you take a tennis ball, coat it in pain, drop it in a tube sock, attach that tube sock to your body, and hit the pain-coated ball in a sock many many times with a baseball bat, then you will sort of know how I feel this morning.

I woke up with a deformed, diseased teat. Well, maybe not diseased, but I wanted you to have the full Ren & Stimpy image of this thing. Flies buzzing around; visible throbbing; sad, glazed, bloodshot eyes helplessly taking it all in…

Holy crap, yo, this boob HURTS. HU-URTS. HUUU-UUURTS. At 12:30 AM, it was fine. At 5 AM, deformity and pain had set in. What? It's like those horrible commercials for Cialis where the announcer cheerfully talks about seeking medical help if your erection lasts for four or more hours. My letdown is lasting for four or more hours. Only nothing is coming out. Just letting down and letting down and hurting and hurting and pretty soon I will have a boob the size and shape of the world's largest bunch of grapes stuffed inside a tube sock. Grapes coated in pain. Forget the tennis ball.

It hurts so bad I am shaking. Not feverish. No chills. But shaky from pain. And when I try to nurse on that side? Well, I'm sure you've heard the screaming. It's a good thing I took those birthing classes seven years ago, so that I could learn how to visualize Hawaii while nursing on my deformed pain-coated grape bunch/tennis ball in sock boob.

It's making me cry and I have a very high tolerance for pain. Innumerable broken toes, a torn ulna collateral ligament, three babies… and this is fucking making me weep with pain.

Ren & Stimpy can have their boob. I want mine back.

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6 thoughts on “This is what I get

  1. It sounds like you might have mastitis. Call your doc right now. Odds are that you’re going to need an antibiotic. Trust me when I say (from personal experience) that it’s not going to get better on its own, but once you get some meds on board you’ll feel better. Holistically speaking, cabbage leaves (no, seriously) help with the swelling, although you wind up smelling like my grandmother’s house on St. Patrick’s Day.

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  2. I went through this. Don’t normally discuss it with strangers, but I would be up for sharing pointers. Least I could do to thank you for the wonderful blog. Feel free to email me if you want to talk mastitis. The tips cured me — the antibiotics didn’t.

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  3. Sounds like mastitis or a blocked duct to me.
    When I had mastitis, though, I was running a massive fever as well (about 102). My boob felt like someone had punched it super hard on the inside.
    I would call your doc. And, send someone out to get you some cabbage leaves. Heat them up, either in the microwave or boil them, and keep them over your breast. They will help to draw out the infection — make sure that Ike is nursing on the soar one, even though it hurts, to help draw the infection out.
    I hope you feel better!

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