Free pass to freak out

a trach baby plus
freaking out needs no excuse
and it's expected!

Even before the trach, I spent all of a lot of my time freaking out over the kids. Does he seem warm? Does she look spotty? Is that a runny nose? Who's stomach hurts? This is sort of my MO as a mom.

So you'd think that after being faced with my Ultimate Fear, I'd have learned to be a little more easy going about the minor things. And yet… I think, if anything, I'm worse about it.

At least in the hospital I didn't have to worry about how fast Ike-a-saurus was breathing because there were monitors and nurses to either prove I was crazy or to fix the problem. But now, I am free to just go nuts staring at him. Not that I want to be back in the hospital, but I would like the ability to not constantly worry.

I'm sure this is something every mom would like – a worry vacation – and maybe that is what anti-anxiety drugs are for. Ha. Maybe I need to look into that.

Last night and this morning have been the first real tests since we've home. Ike-a-saurus is coughing a lot and not clearing anything out when he does it. So we suction the trach, but it doesn't help much. This morning we even did an "emergency" trach change. That didn't help much, either. I'm afraid that at only 5 days home from the hospital I'm going to have to take him to the after hours clinic tonight. That kind of track record doesn't fill me with confidence.

But maybe a good dose of albuterol is all he needs. We are also fiddling with the settings on the equipment to see if that helps. It's scary and exhausting. The kids are worried that he's sick again. So am I.

I am starting to understand why the hospital wanted us to have 12-hour nursing care for the first few weeks. It seemed ridiculous at the time. It still kind of does. But I can see the benefits now. Not exactly a worry vacation, but maybe a worry mini-break. We could all use one of those.

7 thoughts on “Free pass to freak out

  1. It will all pass. And you will get to know your new bionic upgraded v 2.0 kid just as well as you knew pre-trach Ike. Good rule of thumb is: hospital is filled with more and yuckier germs than you’ve got going on. Unless the kiddo needs I.V. antibiotics or major oxygen, he’s better off at home. After hours clinic is a good split-the-difference.


  2. that’s a lot to learn- like you said, at least at the hospital there were no big questions and people around. wishing you strength and patience and more nurse hours!


  3. This is so hard, but totally to be expected under the circumstances. Is your insurance flexible at all? I’ll go post on your red tent about this.


  4. I can only imagine. I always wonder if my pediatrician thinks I’m crazy because I always bring my boys in thinking that they have ear infections. Hope you get a little anxiety vacation soon.


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