We all need boobs

O comforting boobs
yer squishiness delights us
and sustains us, too

Everyone in this whole damn family needs more boob time. For me, the wee one and the wee-er one, we need a cushy place to crash and cry and rest and lean up against. For my husband, well, I won't go into details. For Ike-a-saurus, he needs that milk.

Unfortunately, my pumping and his demand are not matching. Fortunately, we have a prescription for donor breast milk from our local milk bank. It's an incredible service and I am proud to have donated more than 200 ounces in just the few months Ike was home from the NICU. Now, though, we are on the other end of the milk continuum. Things change so fast, don't they?

We are still sorting things out with the insurance – will they pay for the donor milk? If they won't, it's $4.50 an ounce and that is a wee bit steep for us. But our doctor has written a letter stating that the milk is a medical necessity, so we'll see how it goes.

It's interesting, this breast milk vs. formula thing. I can't say that I am glad for the formula we have. I hate it. It smells bad. It feels like a comment on my boobs every time I have to mix it. But I love that it has the extra calories he needs. I love that I can put a teaspoon of it into 3 ounces of my breastmilk and he can get the best of both worlds.

Knowing that we may be able to get milk form the milk bank relaxes me so much. It takes some pressure off. Self-imposed pressure, sure, but still. I didn't even really know I was feeling it.

I am not sure why I have this breast milk hang-up. I know breast is best, but I am not against formula. I am not against anything that nourishes a baby. It doesn't matter, as long as the little one gets food, you know? I do not judge people who don't breastfeed or won't breastfeed or hate breastfeeding. SOmetimes it's just not your thing. I totally get that and I support it. Now if you're into starving babies for fun, then I have a problem.

It's weird that I feel guilty for wanting breastmilk for him so badly. Why can't I just relax, give him the milk I pump and then give him The Formula for the rest? Why do I even torture myself with pumping anyway? Why not just go 100% formula and forget the whole tedious, painful pumping thing? I don't know. But I can't do it. I can't.

I still make sure he latches on a couple of times a day, even if he's not getting much milk (we don't want him to because of the aspirating). I still cling to the idea that the trach will be gone sooner rather than later, he will remember how to suck and swallow correctly and we can get back to nursing all the time. Maybe I will be able to let this go one day. Maybe I won't need to. It's clearly an issue for me.

We had a trip to the pediatrician today and he had only gained an ounce this week, just like last week. We only have another week of that before we're going to have start giving him a feeding tube at night. Maybe a full week of thickened, fortified, breastmilk bottles will finally pack on some pounds for the little guy and we can continue to stave off the tube.

Or maybe I should say screw both those options and just start feeding him actual milkshakes.

4 thoughts on “We all need boobs

  1. Programming. Damn programming. I had it too, though not in the same way. Breast is healthiest, you hear it, you know it. Ike needs to be healthy, right? There you go. But. Calories are beautiful. Ounces are beautiful. TRULY. Go with the but and go w/ the bank and go w/ the weight. I sure hope everyone gets that soft spot to fall out on soon.


  2. I so get the breastmilk hangup thing that you have. I remember, as if it were yesterday, when I was told my a nurse at the hospital that “breastfeeding isn’t everything, you know” — this after my baby girl had been diagnosed, shockingly with a severe seizure disorder after three normal months. I remember feeling that it was the last vestige of control that I had, I remember knowing this but I still couldn’t let go. My baby was on steroids and I just couldn’t keep up. It still rings in my ears and makes my heart ache — but mainly, now, for myself, then. I understand, in other words — and sorry for the long-windedness.


  3. If the insurance is too unfriendly about milkbank milk, there’s the yahoo group Milkshare. I know there’s a number of Austin women on there.


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