clinical trial?

modern medicine
sometimes you just shake your head
and then go with it

The cool thing about living in a college town is that there are a lot of ways to make a little extra cash. Donate blood, plasma, eggs, sperm, hair, pretty much anything. There are also about one million little labs around town that will pay you a fairly decent amount of money to loan out your body to them for a few days or weeks to test out new drugs. Like $3000. See? Not too shabby.

Of course, I can't do any of these tests because a) I'm done with hospital-y things  b) I'm breastfeeding and c) I'm not THAT crazy.

Or am I?

I saw an ad from one of these places the other day, looking for lactating moms. Mostly out of exhausted curiosity I called. It turns out, they're doing a test to try to thicken breastmilk from the inside out. This sounds appealing, right? No, really.

If my milk can shoot out in a nectar-like consistency, then breastfeeding Ike-a-saurus becomes a real possibility again. Plus, if you sign up for the study they pay you AND your baby.

It sounds very win win, if you don't think of the side effects: plugged ducts, obviously, but they also warn of some pretty weird stuff. Gel-like sweat for one thing. "Thick" urine. A sudden desire to watch Growing Pains (kidding), sudden indiscriminate desire all the time (not kidding), stroke, loose fingernails, soft teeth, etc.

Even with all of that, I'm totally willing to give it a 6 week try, soft teeth and wanting to make out with everyone notwithstanding.

I'm not sure if I'll get approved for the trial, though, seeing as how this is completely made up and is actually a big fat April Fool's joke.

11 thoughts on “clinical trial?

  1. I got up a bit groggy so I read it a couple of times. So convincing. The best so far.
    (I can only imagine what the fourth graders have planned for today.)


  2. Thank god! You got me for a second.
    But this does remind me of how I took a two hour shyness survey when I was a youngin’ living in Philadelphia. Got paid 40 dollars. Well, I was shy! Now I’m just pushing 40 and will say anything that comes to my head. Age was the cure for shyness.
    Anyways, thanks for the good April Fools! You are the first and only one to get me today:)


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