Maddie

Maddie is a little one I never knew. I didn't even read her mom's blog until tonight. I saw something on Twitter that made chills run down my spine and I clicked to find out more…

Our stories are so similar and yet so not.

Maddie's mom, Heather, had her water break at 19 weeks – mine broke at 20. Maddie was born at 28 weeks 6 days, Ike was born at 28/2. She was born 9 months before Ike.

She's been in and out of the hospital since coming home from the NICU, with breathing issues. But always happy, always smiling.

Yesterday, she was having a bad time. I saw on Twitter that she was in the PICU. Tonight, they had to intubate. Then, a few hours after the intubation tweet, the last message of the night… it said that they lost her. Just a few hours ago.

I am so devastated for them, I can barely type. It doesn't matter that we don't know this family. None of that matters.

Everything just came rushing in on me, reading those tweets, scouring her blog. I pulled a sleeping Ike-a-saurus out of his seat, and I have been holding him so tightly we are both sweating through our shirts. I haven't pumped in three hours because I can't put him down. I may never put him down.

We were so precariously close to where they are. We are still so close. This is why I have nightmares nearly every night. This is why seeing an ambulance scream down the street makes me have to pull over to have a panic attack. It's all too close. Too, too close.

Hug your babies. And read about sweet Maddie. Oh, her mama and daddy…. my heart is just broken.

I might have to throw up now.

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