Swine Flu Zombies or the Dentist?

will be a showdown
the dueling monstrosities
eating at my face

I was sitting here the other day, creating my Swine Flu Emergency Preparedness Kit (hand sanitizer, duct tape, whiskey, a wooden stake, 30 Rock DVDs), and I thought, "What the what? Did lightning just strike my face? 'Cause ouch." My hair was not on fire, though, so I decided this couldn't be right.

Then, for a second time, "What the WHAT?"

My effing tooth felt like it was filled with little tooth effers shooting effing ninja stars up the side of my effing skull. (My internal monologue and I are working on my language.)

It was soon determined that upon drinking hot liquid, or eating hot food, or thinking about hot things (say, Logan from Veronica Mars), my tooth – the tooth that has already HAD a root canal and crown – fills with excruciating pain.

When you consult Dr. Google about this problem (hint, do not consult Dr. Google about this problem), you see things like "OH MY SWEET TINY BABY JESUS WITH TEH (sic) BALLED UP FISTS YOUR TOOTH IS GOING TO ROT THROUGH YOUR FACE IT TOTALLY IS IT HAPPENED TO MY COUSIN."

And so I have two choices. Call the dentist, or wait for the inevitable hordes of Swine Flu zombies to shamble down my street, climb in through my windows, and extract the tooth for me.

Option A has some appealing sanitary certainties about it, option B is way cheaper.

My husband thinks I should go with A. But then I explained to him that we don't have any money and besides, the last time I went with A, I had a raging panic attack thanks to some epinephrine-laced anesthetic (note to dentists: TELL people about that shit before you do it. DAMN.). Also, something obviously got fucked up because of the aforementioned ninja stars whenever I try to eat a warmed up frito pie.

(Editor's note: I haven't actually eaten a frito pie in a long time, but I was talking about them the other day with my friend, and I totally want one, and it would totally kill my stupid fucking tooth.)

So if I'm going to have a panic attack anyway, and the dental work isn't going to be up to par, why not go with the Swine Flu zombies? I'm sure it will be fast. I know it will be free (well, they may want to keep the tooth, but that's cool), thus I'm having a hard time seeing the downside.

However, just in case a night of googling Swine Flu zombies returns information even scarier than last night's googling of dental strategies to fix heat sensitive teeth THAT SUPPOSEDLY HAVE NO NERVES ANYMORE, I have made an appointment at 3:20 tomorrow to see the dentist.

Maybe I will get lucky and the zombies will get me before then.

I will let you know.

If the tiny baby Jesus with his balled up fists doesn't make my face rot off tonight.   

16 thoughts on “Swine Flu Zombies or the Dentist?

  1. It is NOT funny. you have a terrible tooth ache. It is not funny. but damn! You made it really really funny. I completely hooted out loud several times reading this. I wish you no panic attacks, no pain, and a frito pie.


  2. I just went through the same thing. A root canal that 6 months later turned into a shooting ninja-star pain the mouth, in my supposedly nerve free tooth. But, I got a REFUND from my dentist, because it was decided that the root canal was unnecessary. So ask the dentist abou it, can’t hurt to try to get some money back! Unnecessary root canal, yeah that’s bad, but a free unnecessary root canal feels a little bit better.


  3. Yikes! Option C (if the zombies fail) – a “Castaway tooth removal” (a la the Tom Hanks movie). You just need a figure skate and… well, nevermind.
    Sorry this is happening.. on top of everything else. I kind of get the feeling you’re just getting all the crappy stuff out of the way, and you’re gonna win the lottery, or get a free Cheese-of-the-Month subscription, or something?
    As always, I’m totally impressed with your sense of humor…..and am sending you lots of good wishes and prayers.


  4. I asked a question about the mexican flu virus in California and I was told that thousands were already infected and one of the patients attacked a nurse like a zombie. Is this true, are the dead or some kind of zombification thing happening?


  5. So if I’m going to have a panic attack anyway, and the dental work isn’t going to be up to par, why not go with the Swine Flu zombies? I’m sure it will be fast. I know it will be free (well, they may want to keep the tooth, but that’s cool), thus I’m having a hard time seeing the downside.


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