50 actual ways to make your baby smarter

1. Stop covering his face with Target bags

2. Open the garage door BEFORE turning on the minivan

3. Just say no to fumeless oven cleaner

4. Turn the TV on louder so he can actually hear it

5. Get him an iPhone

6. Wash his hands after he plays with the mercury from the thermometer

7. Wait until he's at least 1 to sign him up for contact sports

8. One word: Potty tutor. Shit. That's two words.

9. Ignore him in Spanish

10. Fortify sandbox, boogers, rocks and driveway worms with vitamins

11. Quiz him with flashcards of quotes from The Simpsons

12. Listen to everything Barney says

13. Stop keeping his pacifiers in electrical outlets

14. When you drop him, drop him on the side of his head

15. Avoid giving him a mustache with a Sharpie

16. Understand that a Superfund site is different than a super fun site

17. Remove the minibar from the nursery

18. Only one hour of Springer a day

19. Only natural sodas for his bottle

20. Stop confusing Baby Einstein with Young Einstein

21. Realize Twitter is no substitute for a nanny

22. Note that special brownies do not come in child-sized portions

23. Name him something like Breville or Trout

Shit. That's only 23. Anyone want to help? I know we can make it to 50!

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11 thoughts on “50 actual ways to make your baby smarter

  1. 28. Don’t let the toddler teach him how to count. “eleventy” comes after “five-teen” but before six in our house…

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  2. 29. When he starts walking, give him chewing gum to help enhance the new motor skills.
    30. Let baby help out with simple chores – unloading the dishwasher, putting away toys, cleaning out the catbox.
    31. As soon as baby has mastered the “pincer” grasp, teach her how to use the remote.

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