1. Stop covering his face with Target bags
2. Open the garage door BEFORE turning on the minivan
3. Just say no to fumeless oven cleaner
4. Turn the TV on louder so he can actually hear it
5. Get him an iPhone
6. Wash his hands after he plays with the mercury from the thermometer
7. Wait until he's at least 1 to sign him up for contact sports
8. One word: Potty tutor. Shit. That's two words.
9. Ignore him in Spanish
10. Fortify sandbox, boogers, rocks and driveway worms with vitamins
11. Quiz him with flashcards of quotes from The Simpsons
12. Listen to everything Barney says
13. Stop keeping his pacifiers in electrical outlets
14. When you drop him, drop him on the side of his head
15. Avoid giving him a mustache with a Sharpie
16. Understand that a Superfund site is different than a super fun site
17. Remove the minibar from the nursery
18. Only one hour of Springer a day
19. Only natural sodas for his bottle
20. Stop confusing Baby Einstein with Young Einstein
21. Realize Twitter is no substitute for a nanny
22. Note that special brownies do not come in child-sized portions
23. Name him something like Breville or Trout
Shit. That's only 23. Anyone want to help? I know we can make it to 50!
Haiku of the Day 
24. Sign him up for a lifetime membership in the NRA and Young Republicans Club.
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Only let Britney babysit if she wears clothes and do NOT allow her to be a wet nurse.
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26. Remember to teach him to count and not skip numbers like the missing 25. (Stoopid poster – me).
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27. Wait until he’s tall enough to see over the push bar before you make him mow the lawn.
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28. Don’t let the toddler teach him how to count. “eleventy” comes after “five-teen” but before six in our house…
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29. When he starts walking, give him chewing gum to help enhance the new motor skills.
30. Let baby help out with simple chores – unloading the dishwasher, putting away toys, cleaning out the catbox.
31. As soon as baby has mastered the “pincer” grasp, teach her how to use the remote.
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32. Coke, meats on sticks and candy for breakfast. It’s an educational trifectca.
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33. Strobe light for a night light. ‘Nuff said.
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34. Make sure he eats a rainbow of colors every day — use all 4 food color droppers!
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Bacon. Bacon makes everything smarter.
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36. Fraggle Rock. Or Electric Company.
Sending you hugs from down here in San Marvelous.
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