Impact! Live blog

7:57pm: The anticipation for crappy TV is so palpable it has caused the wee-er one to poop in the potty! Very exciting! However, this is going to delay the liveblogging because it has delayed getting everyone to bed. But Fear Not! Thanks to lovely TiVo I will have caught up to you all in short order. I'll start blogging as soon as things settle down. Just got off the phone with Santa (or Ho Ho as the wee-er one calls him) and he is making an impromptu visit late tonight with a new baby doll for her. As you can imagine, this has gotten everyone even MORE excited. Really, though, the liveblogging will commence soon.

8:33pm: Still not quite ready to start the show. there was a brief freak out that maybe Ho Ho is a monster and that his presence would not be welcome in the wee-er one's room tonight. Luckily, just at that moment Santa called and reported that his motorcycle had run out of gas somewhere near Dallas and he's not going to be able to make it tonight. (He goes magic-free during the summer to keep a low profile.) So I am going to be the one to find a baby doll for the wee-er one, and she is hopefully going to go to sleep.

8:35pm: Maybe I should just liveblog the evenning around here. It is turning out to be even crazier than a made-for-TV movie.

8:39: It's starting! I'm only 39 minutes late.

8:40: The greatest meteor shower in 10,000 years! More or less impressive than getting your 2 11/12 year-old to finally poop in the potty? Discuss.

8:47: brief time-out to reassure the wee-er one yet again that ho Ho is not a monster. Note to self: never bring up Santa when it's not Christmas.

8:49: blond-haired scientist! Girls are totally smart! Also, they wear ginormous cable knit sweaters. Also, there's an asian scientist, just to keep her in line.

8:50: Oh SHIT you guys. THE MOON HAS BEEN HIT.

8:53: Thank goodness for cable TV, otherwise no one would see the flaming volkswagons falling from the sky.

8:54: Hey, remember when the President was married to Bree?

8:55: Oh SHIT you guys. TSUNAMI!

8:58: Innocent child: "do you think the man in the moon is OK?" Me: "Nope, kid. His fucking ear just landed on Australia."

9:00: So, the lady scientist who didn't see the enormous meteor that was going to hit the moon just tells you that it's totally cool the Moon is now 21,000 miles closer to Earth. Do you believe her? Discuss. She's wearing a pantsuit. You might want to factor that in.

9:02: Oh SHIT, you guys. BOY SCOUTS!

9:03: Hmmm. The tidal patterns are fucked up. What could it be? Satan?

9:04: Hey wait, if the Moon is jacking with the tidal patterns, do you know what's next? Oh SHIT. THINK OF THE MENSTRUAL CYCLES!

9:06: Social phobia is totally a real disease. I'm with grandpa.

9:08: tides, Canadian geese, car batteries, cell phones… I'm telling you, the periods are next.

9:10: The dude in Germany is using a dentist tool to pick at the moon chunk. The moon chunk is all, "DAMMIT. I forgot to take my prophylactic antibiotics first. i hope I don't get endocarditis because of you, douchebag."

9:13: Boring German love story part. Girlfriend announces she's pregnant. In church. Shhhh. God is totally smiting people in this movie. Isn't she paying attention?

9:16: a huge static charge is blowing up gas stations? What's causing it? The moon? No no no. It's that girl scientist's huge cable knit sweater. Duh.

9:19: this is outside any known scientific parameters!

9:21: oh SHIT. It's the remnants of a BROWN DWARF! (Just like in the downstairs bathroom. Sorry, sorry, I had to say it.)

9:22: the brown dwarf is twelve sixtillion tons! HOLY CRAP. Or maybe it's not. I can't hear anything over this nebulizer.

9:26: Dr. Science Lady, the President says, I don't understand your "science" and your "moon." Please speak to me as if I have been educated by the public school system.

9:30: Consultation with president, check. Doomed discussion of wedding in three weeks. Check. Man of the house speech, check. Which one is going to die? Discuss.

9:33: My husband has resorted to watching loud videos on his iPhone.

9:34: BSG shout out!

9:36: There's a brown dwarf lodged in the moon. Maybe if the moon drank some coffee things would get loosened up a little.

9:38: Uh-oh, ambitious laid off newspaperman ex-husband with a d-bag soul patch. I smell trouble!

9:41: Grandpa forgets to feed the kids. Don't feel bad grandpa. I do that all the time.

9:44: "Just make sure the kids are on the helicopter – and if they ask, make sure they don't think it's anything out of the ordinary." Got it.

9:46: Scientist lady has GIANT boobs. You know you've been thinking it.

9:47: Why the moms always gotta get killed off? Is this a Disney cartoon? Can a dad not be seen paying attention to his kids and have a living wife AT THE SAME TIME?

9:49: We know it's Eurpoe because there are vespas.

9:50: Oh SHIT you guys. VESPAS ARE FLOATING!

9:51: The Homeland Security lady is constantly referring to her own stupidity. Shouldn't she be the FEMA lady, then?

9:53: I don't think that FEMA joke makes any sense anymore.

9:55: "You can't hide from gravity!" Apparently, he's never seen me trying to walk down a flight of stairs.

9:57: If gravity is fluctuating, would you put your kids on a helicopter? Discuss.

9:59: Oh SHIT you guys. THE DOG IS LOST.

10:00: And now gravity is suspended! Watch out for flying trains! And flying dogs. And flying kids looking for their flying dogs.

10:02: The broken moon looks awesome, by the way. All sparkly and big. Like David James Elliot's forehead.

10:04: Is it coincidental that this movie has come out just before NASA is planning to crash a probe into the moon? IS IT? Ladies, you better hold on to your periods.

10:05: the smart asian scientist is concerned. This can't be good. Also, there is fake saxophone music playing in the background. it's not good either.

10:06: Seriously, this music? I'm expecting Riggs and Murtaugh to show up at any minute.

10:09: Uh-oh. The pregnant girl is squished on a formerly anti-gravitied train. She totally should have kept quiet about the pregnancy in church.

10:11: Oh SHIT you guys, TOTAL ANNIHILATION IS IMMINENT!

10:12: Hey, you know the turducken? A chicken stuffed in a duck stuffed in a turkey? Well next week they're going to TURDUCKEN the moon! A rocket shoved up the ass of a brown dwarf shoved up the ass of the moon! A moowarfket!

10:15: Oh SHIT you guys! I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE MOOWARFKET!

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5 thoughts on “Impact! Live blog

  1. I never would have watched this or even known it was on, but the idea of reading your liveblogging along with bad tv is just too entertaining to pass up. 🙂

    Like

  2. This was hilarious. If I hadn’t been at a baseball game, reading the first few minutes of your liveblog would have convinced me to turn on the TV.

    Like

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